When It Comes to Mothering It's Quality over Quantity

I found a wonderful blog post from Sarah (Rashidsmom.com) that should relieve some working mothers of their angst over how their children will turn out. It appears that the key determinant to child development isn't whether or not a mother works but the quality of the time that she spends with her children.

Sarah cites a 2005 The University of Texas study that did not find any developmental problems in children whose mothers worked outside the home. Dr. Aletha Huston, the study’s director states, “The mother is an important source of care then, but she doesn’t have to be there 24 hours a day to build a strong relationship with her child.”

Some of the points of the study include:

•infant development is not delayed when a mother works outside the home.
•a mother’s personality, including their beliefs and the quality of their parenting was more important than the amount of time spent with their child.
•working mothers spent more time with their children on days off.
•working mothers spent less time on household chores and leisure activities.
•there were no differences in social behavior, cognitive ability and language development whether mothers stayed at home or worked.

Sarah concludes,"children will thrive based not on how much time they spend together,with their mothers but on the quality of time spent together. mothers that are comfortable with their decision, are confident in their abilities and provide loving and nurturing homes have the best chance of raising well-adjusted children, whether they work outside the home or stay at home."

Amen to that!

Working Moms and Stress

Many working mothers will not admit that they are burned out. To do so would be an admission that they are not Superwomen---able to balance family obligations and work demands while wearing high heels. However three sure signs that you are burned out are:

-loss of interest in regular activities;
-loss of sleep;
-or feelings of panic.

In an article, "Working Mothers,Where is All of this Stress Coming From?" psychologist, Dr. Sherrie Bourg Carter is quoted as saying that once a working mother determines that she is burned-out, she should take steps to detemine why. Among the reasons that Dr. Carter cites for stress are:

•Limited time
•Not enough money (at least not enough to do the things you feel you should be doing for your children - ie: enrolling them in all activities)
•Pressures from the spouse, who may feel neglected because of the time you spend on other things
•Physical and hormonal changes from childbirth and aging
•Worrying about the children in a general sense - their safety, their well being

As a coach who works with working mothers, I see these stress factors all of the time. I frequently coach my clients to take steps to address, one by one, the things, people or activities that are causing them to burn-out. It's important that working mothers clients realize that they can't keep running on fumes. They are not only jeopardizing the quality of their own life and health, but also the quality of their most treasured relationships.

How Working Mothers Can Deal w/ Guilt

It's no surprise that a large number of working moms wish that they could be better mothers. There's a great deal of pressure for mothers to do it all---- and do it all perfectly. Working mother's guilt arises when women don't meet their own very high, (frequently unrealistic) expecations about motherhood.

In the blog post, Dealing With Working Moms Guilt, Whether You Love or Hate Your Job writer Katherine Lewis discusses how to tackle working mother's guilt. She indicates that feeling the guilt doesn't make women bad mothers. However those feelings could be raising issues related to child care, their personal relationships, and the frequency and quality of time that they are spending with their children that we should be addressing.

Children At Work

Blogger Kelly Coyle DiNorca's post at Your (Wo)Man in Washington gave me something to think about as working mother. Kelly works from home for a youth sports organization. She's trying to juggle earning an income with childcare-- she has a sitter come only once a week. There are times when her business calls are interrupted by the demands of motherhood. While most of her business contacts tend to understand her balancing act---professional/mother, she recognizes that many people see bringing a child into the workplace as unprofessional. While WAHMs are imperfectly integrating their various roles, she wonders what are the options for working mothers in traditional employment settings.

DiNorca says, "The most recent issue of Mothering Magazine contains an article by Laura Ulrich called “Home is where the job is: A savvy mother’s advice on loving, money-making, and leaving the laundry behind”. This article ends with the statement, 'The more we as mothers take ownership of the right to integrate our lives, the more society at large will evolve to support such work arrangements.' However, all but one of the mothers interviewed for the article were self-employed, and found ways to carve out a self-designed (and defined) niche where they could meld caregiving with wage-earning. Absent were mothers who were able to achieve this sort of synthesis while working in professional or traditional jobs."

Click Here to read the entire post, "Should I Go or Should I Stay?"

New Working Mothers--How High Achievers Can Deal w/Performance Anxiety

I was shocked to learn that high-achieving women were more likely than other women to abandon their jobs after becoming new mothers.

A recent article posted on the blog,TheGlassHammer.com, geared toward women in the financial, legal and business professions stated, "We find that these women who have achieved a lot in a short time, rising rapidly through the ranks, are the ones most likely not to return after maternity leave or they return and then quit after a few months.”

The post goes on to say that these high achieving Gen-X moms, women defined as being in their late 20s-early 40s are "Uncomfortable with the idea of not being able to give 150% at work and still be a super mom at home, she starts to wonder if she should exit the workforce… at least until her child is old enough for school after 3-5 years of developmentally-appropriate interactions with her."

Simi Sanni Nwogugu of HOD Consulting provides great tips to help new working mothers to overcome their fears and successfully stay in the workforce. Click Here to read the entire article.

Slow Parenting: Taking it Old School

How many articles have we read of parents micro-managing their children---even doing their school projects? Most of us have seen how competition to get ahead, which was formerly only a workplace phenomenon, has seeped into the lives of our school-age children. Middle class parents especially are in a frenzy to make sure that their sons and daughters get into elite institutions. In their twelve year preparation kids are scheduled for umpteenth enrichment activities each year. Parents in their roles as "success coaches" for their kids are coordinating all of logicistics, often for multiple children . Many parents in their quest to do "everything right" are stressing themselves and their kids out unnecessarily.

In the blog article, "Slow Parenting: The New, Old Way of Doing Things," writer Bethany Sanders interviews author Carl Honoré who has written two books on "slow parenting." She says that, "a perfect storm of workplace competition, a consumer culture that demands perfection, smaller families and parental anxiety have created an atmosphere where parents feel compelled to push their kids (and themselves) harder than ever.

"The bottom line is that parents in this generation have lost their confidence," Honoré tells Lisa Belkin, Motherlode blogger, "That makes us easy prey for companies hawking unnecessary tools for childrearing (helmets to protect two-year-olds from toddling injuries, anyone?). And very vulnerable to pressure from other parents ("What, you mean your child doesn't have a tutor?!?")."

Read the entire article.

Tax Tips if You Have a Nanny or Regular Babysitter

If you have a babysitter or other household employees who is on a consistent weekly schedule, you may need to pay the "Nanny Tax."

According to Katherine Lewis, About.com's working mom's expert,"If you have a nanny or frequent babysitter for your child, you need to understand the nanny tax. The IRS requires anyone with household help, such as a babysitter or housekeeper, to pay Social Security and Medicare taxes if annual pay crosses a set threshold, which was $1,600 for 2008 and $1,700 for 2009."

Read Katherine's entire article, How To Pay the Nanny Tax-Easy Instructions for Forms W-2 and W-3."

The Value of Domestic Outsourcing

Too many working mothers think that they have to be superwoman. In their quest to be perfect mothers and wives they are running themselves ragged with activities that don't bring them joy, just public validation. When I coach women I tell them to delegate the activities that don't bring them fulfillment---this leaves them more time to pursue that activities and relationships that really matter to them.

I stumbled upon a blog post, Domestic Outsourcing that is a must read on the topic.

Following Your Own Path

Following Your Own Path

You enter the forest
at the darkest point,
where there is no path.

Where there is a way or path,
it is someone else’s path.

You are not on your own path.

If you follow someone else’s way,
you are not going to realize your potential.

~ Joseph Campbell

Your Personal Bucket List

Last night I settled down with my first movie from Netflix, The Bucket List. I must admit that this movie is not one that I would have chosen on my own. The film starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman about two dying buddies just didn't appeal to me. However, a glowing recommendation from my sister convinced me to put the film in my Netflix queue.

It sounds cliche but I laughed and I cried. More important, the movie made me think. The Bucket List focuses on things that the two dying men want to accomplish before they died. Each man had allowed life and circumstances to get in the way of living fuller lives. Without revealing too much of the plot, Morgan Freeman's character has sacrificed his intellectual talents and ambitions for his family and Jack Nicholson's character has perhaps sacrificed his personal life to build his vast empire. In the remaining time that they had, the bucket list provided the two men with the last opportunity to fulfill their life dreams.

While I watched the movie, I began to think about the things that I had yet to do and began wondering what I was waiting for?--the right time, more money, what? It occurred to me that life moves rapidly and that if I don't make my goals and ambitions part of my everyday existence, they may indeed slip off the radar. I am happy to say that thus far I have few regrets and that I have some achievements under by belt...but there is more that I have to conquer and experience.

In the next few days I will be working on my own bucket list. I just think that it shouldn't take a terminal illness to wake us up to the possibilities of our lives. I truly believe that if we are truly grateful for our lives, we should be doing our best to live to our fullest potential daily.