Sophisticated Woman and Mama

NEW BLOG LOCATION

2009-08-28T09:22:00.001-07:00

YOU CAN NOW FIND THIS BLOG AT WWW.SOPHISTICATEDWOMANANDMAMA.COM

How to Weather Life's Storms--Like Marriage & Relationships

2009-08-03T11:20:00.000-07:00

One day, out of the blue your husband says, "I don't love you anymore. I'm not sure that I ever did." In your opinion your twenty year marriage is happy and solid as a rock. What do you do? Do you cry and hurl obscenities at him? Do you calmly discuss going to a marriage counselor? Do you get on you knees (perhaps literally) and beg him to stay?

When this scenario happened to writer Laura A. Munson she took an entirely different route. She chose to ignore her husband's outburst. Rather than accept the notion that something was wrong with her or what she had become, she realized that it was he who needed to face his demons and get his life straight. In her essay, "Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear" she says, "I'd committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I'd committed to "The End of Suffering." I'd finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were outside my control. I'd seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.

Essentially Munson's unique tactic---giving him emotional "space" forced her husband to examine is own life and the issues surrounding his recent professional failures. She and their children went about their lives, he was welcome to join them, but if he didn't the activities went on. There was no arguing or screaming---nothing that he could use to distract himself from addressing his midlife crisis. Munson had given her husband an internal deadline of 6 months to get it together. Slowly, but surely he resolved his issues and took steps to rejoin his marriage and his family.

How would some of your relationships be different if you accepted the idea that YOU alone are responsible for your happiness. What would it feel like to you if you realized that you can't "fix" your partner's problems (or character flaws). When you hit rough patches in your relationship, rather than pushing or cajoling your partner to "see it your way" (so that you don't lose them) could you imagine letting them "just be" for a period of time? Even if that meant eventually letting them go, permanently. The same goes for your job or even your home. Could you be happy if those things no longer existed, no longer defined you. You hold on tightly to something when you're fearful that it will escape your grasp. When you're certain that you could indeed be happy without the thing or the person, you relax your grip.

To read the entire essay, Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

Life Lessons from Jon and Kate Plus 8 (and a Date?)

2009-07-31T13:42:00.001-07:00

What lessons can the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8 teach you about your own life? Your initial reaction is probably... nothing. But remember that by allowing themselves to be on television within a few years this small town Pennsylvania family became national celebrities. Jon and Kate were also paid millions by TLC (TLC reportedly pays them $75K per episode) and product sponsors to be their flawed, argumentative selves. Kate has written a book and allegedly rakes in about $20K per speaking engagement. So even if you loathe reality shows or just Jon & Kate Plus 8 here is some food for thought.

When Opportunity Knocks--Open the door, but beware

Was being asked to be on a reality show a golden opportunity for the Gosselins, a couple with modest means and 8 children? OR Was it an exploitative situation that thrived on marital conflict? The answer is yes to both questions. There is always a downside to greater opportunity...it's that a larger bank account, bigger fame, or greater power allows you to manifest more of who you already are. So if you are a jerk who wins the lottery...your money will allow you to be an even bigger a-hole. However, if you are a grounded person who wins the lottery, it's doubtful that you'd suddenly dump your "poor" friends. Before the fame, Jon and Kate's marriage probably had serious fissures that were not being addressed; their reality show only highlighted their growing marital problems. Jon & Kate Plus 8 teach us that before you are REALLY ready to take on greater opportunity, you should develop the grace, self-knowledge, and common sense needed to handle the life that you already have.

Life is Always Changing...Roll with it

The Gosselin family's television career began with a 1 hour Discovery Health program called Surviving Sextuplets and Twins. The appeal of the clean cut family with 8 small children got them their own show. Jon & Kate Plus 8 became a ratings winner for TLC...that is until 32 year old Jon was seen in photos with a 23 year school teacher(and a few other women). It was also alleged that Kate had something going on with the head of security. The bottom line is that after 10 years of marriage Kate filed for divorce on June 22, 2009. Jon and Kate however decided that the reality show will go on. Starting August 3 the divorcing couple will be presented as co-parents. Each parent will take turns living in their PA mansion and caring for their eight children.(When they're not in PA, Jon's got a new pad in Manhattan and Kate's got new digs in Rockville,MD) There is also talk that Jon and Kate will be shown dating new people. Life is not static: we change and so do our circumstances. The course of Jon and Kate's professional and personal lives teaches us that we must be adaptable to new realities. . In the words of Bruce Lee, "Don't get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water."

Let the Critics Be Damned

Some critics have accused Kate of being domineering. Others have said that she berated Jon and emasculated him. The tabloids have portrayed Jon as a balding wannabee Lothario. Various family members and former employees have accused Jon and Kate (but particularly Kate) of exploiting their children. Even famed attorney Gloria Allard has publicly weighed in on these charges. The majority of critics felt qualified to make judgments about Jon and Kate's lives and parenting based on watching a television program that has been edited. Despite the critics, Jon and Kate decided to continue the show because they have eight children who need to be housed, clothed, fed and educated. It's inevitable that someone is not going to like your lifestyle, your spouse/partner, your attitude or how you parenting. The opinions of naysayers however are irrelevant---you shouldn't run your life by committee. The lesson of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is to ignore the haters and to make the decisions that you deem best for your life and your family.

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

How To Ask for Flex Time at Work

2009-07-31T06:17:00.000-07:00

Flex time, telecommuting, part-time work and job sharing are vehicles that allow working women to spend more time with their families while remaining professionally viable. The reality is that some jobs simply don't lend themselves to these employment arrangements, such as teachers, doctors and chefs. However for the vast majority of working women there's no GOOD reason given telephone, email, tele/video conferencing(other than tradition), why they need to be in the office 40-60 hours per week.

Asking for a flex time job arrangement has nothing to do with relegating yourself to the infamous "mommy track," There are companies that allow employees (male and female) to select from a menu of work options. There are part-time law partners who still handle major cases. There are also executives who work full time, but are only in the office about 30 hours a week. There are also companies, especially in the technology sector, that allow employees to work from wherever. So whether or not your company currently has a flex time policy is not necessarily important. However what is important is whether or not you can make a strong case to your immediate boss that you should be allowed to have a flexible schedule.

The book Womenomics by Claire Shipman (Good Morning America) and Katty Kay, (BBC) promotes the idea that because women are nearly one half of our national workforce, they have the power to demand more employment options. They insist that these changes would help working mothers to have more "work-life control" resulting in less stress and guilt in their struggle to balance family and work obligations. Moreover they believe that workplace changes will benefit all workers, not just parents.

According to Womenomics the number one reason working mothers don't get flex time arrangements is that they don't ask for it. Here are some of the tips that Shipman and Katy suggest for negotiating a more flexible work schedule.

1. Perform Well and Know It: Womenomics states that managers repeatedly said that they would do nearly anything to accommodate women who added value to the company. Whether you are considered an asset to the company---someone who they don't want to lose is determined by a number of factors: your annual appraisals; whether you are meeting sales targets; whether you are considered a thought-leader in your company; how much access to you have to higher ups and how easy it would be to replace you. If you are unsure of your value to your company, immediately schedule a candid talk with you boss about where you stand...and maybe to toot your own horn. If the news is positive you can then move forward with your plan to request a schedule change. However you may come away with ideas about how you can improve your actual performance and/or his or her perception of you and your contribution. At a later a date, after you have strengthened your position, you can then revisit this topic.

2. Know What You Are Asking For: Get clear about how you want your work schedule and life to change. Would you like to work a 4 day week instead of 5? Would you like to work a 4 hour day, instead of an 8+ hour day? Do want to come in or leave a hour or two earlier or later? Would you prefer to telecommute, working full time but coming to the office only one or two times per week? The distinctions are important because they impact your desired lifestyle change. For instance, taking a part-time position, means working less, the trade off is a cut in salary and benefits. Additionally, unless you take a demotion, you'll probably have the same workload. Similarly, while telecommuting allows you skip coming into the office you are still on-call during business hours. This means that you'll probably still need child care and it's doubtful that you'll be able to sneak off to a yoga class without your cell phone going off.

3. Be prepared to Reassure Your Boss on Every Level
Womenomics says that you should be ready to talk to your boss about why you want a schedule change. Shipman and Katy say that manager's main concern about flexible work schedules is productivity...or rather its decline once an employee is off-site. Regardless of the schedule that you are proposing, it's critical that you, in a detailed plan, clearly tell your boss how you plan to cover your work responsibilities, including project deadlines, client meetings, staff inquiries, telephone/email access, etc. On that note, it's necessary to assure your boss that you are equipped to work from home; this means describing your home office (computer, software, fax, copier, separate phone line, etc.) Tell your boss that your office is in a separate room, so that his or she doesn't imagine you doing major deals on the kitchen table while the plumber fixes the faucet. It also means being clear that your children will not be under foot during business hours. State that your children are in school, indicating the hours, and/or that you are have a relative, nanny or other child care provider to mind them while you are working.

4. Once You've Got Your Deal, Don't Take it For Granted: The point of this tip is to keep the communication open with your boss. It's a given that you need to continue to perform well on your job, however you also need to regularly take the pulse of your supervisors to make sure they are still on board. Be proactive in keeping in touch with your colleagues and higher-ups, letting them know that while you may not be in the office as much, you're still in the loop and therefore expect to be contacted whenever necessary. It is particularly important to initiate a dialogue with your boss if now you're being passed over for plum assignments, key decisions are being made without your or someone less qualified is promoted over you.

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

Standing At the Crossroads of Your Life

2009-07-30T07:14:00.000-07:00

At some point, everyone comes to the fork in the road. It's the time in your life when you can either stay on the known but unfulfilling path or veer off and follow your passions on an unfamiliar road. Unfortunately far too often, when people are faced with this decision they stick to the "devil that they know," rather than believe that they deserve more and better.

The moment of truth for most of us isn't usually earth shattering ---we don't learn that our husband has been having a torrid affair or that our six figure job is about to be eliminated. Most of us simply creep slowly and mindlessly to our personal crossroads. It starts as a nagging dissatisfaction, the thought that your life isn't where you would like it to be. You wonder why you are not happier with your relationship, your job or all of the accomplishments and things that you have on your tally sheet. It's easy to place these inconvenient thoughts on the back burner as you muddle through your daily routine, that is until something hits you. That something is a message from your inner consciousness, God, The Divine, The Universe, whatever you wish to call it. Spoken through a book, a movie, a newspaper/magazine article or a sermon,it speaks directly to your individual situation. That message either awakens you to what is REALLY possible for your life or it provides you with a tangible option. The problem is that most of us choose to ignore the message.

It's easier to pretend you didn't get the message because it calls for you to do something different without a guarantee of instant success. That is the rub, you know that your current path will net you more comfortable mediocrity, but doing something different, in the name of following our bliss, could be a bust (in the short term). In order to seek out better, you have to be willing to let go of what you have now. When you stand at the crossroads of your life, your choice of a path is determined by your faith. Not necessarily faith in the religious sense, but faith in yourself. You have to believe that if you follow your heart, you will be rewarded emotionally, spiritually and materially. Following your heart doesn't mean going off half-cocked, but it does mean recognizing that you must take a different road and then preparing yourself for the journey.

This morning I read about Michelle Nihei, a Ph.D who left her prestigious faculty position at Johns Hopkins to become a horse trainer and Keith Miller, a former professional football player who now sings with the Metropolitan Opera. There are no similarities between these two people except that they both came to a place where their passions led them to radically different life courses. They left the security of their former lives for the opportunity to pursue their passions. Even if these people are not successful by conventional standards, their lives are probably exponentially richer and happier.

So are you looking at a fork in the road right now? Will you stay put? OR Will you at least implement a plan so that you can step onto the new path? BELIEVE.

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

Removing Emotional Crutches

2009-07-28T09:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I finally got a Maryland license. This tidbit of information isn't important unless you also know these facts: 1) I drive every day; 2) I've lived in the Washington, DC area for about six years and 3) Relinquishing my NYS license cut to the psychological core of who I am/was/wanted to be.

I clung to the notion that in trading in my New York driver's license, I was in some way abandoning my roots---the people, experiences and places that made me who I am. I was extremely reluctant to let go of my New York identity. In my mind Maryland spelled "suburban mom," not hip, urbane chick. Frankly, I wasn't interested in replacing my stilettos with crocs. It took me a minute to realize that I could live in Silver Spring, Maryland and still be a sophisticated woman and mama.

It may sound silly but my New York license was my last tangible connection to my birthplace. My parents are both deceased and my sister now lives in Pennsylvania. Many of my childhood and college friends have also left New York City. We all remain die hard New Yorkers, however each of us left the city to pursue our educations or our careers. I initially came to Washington, DC to attend college and have bounced between the District and NYC a few times. Ironically I am in NYC at least once a month so many acquaintances still think that I live there. My five year old son however was born in Maryland and he's establishing his roots, so it's unlikely that I will be moving back to NYC anytime soon.

Unfortunately, dwelling on the life that "I once had," kept me stuck and unable to create a full life in my present. In the past year, after some soul searching, I've released work that I no longer enjoyed and some relationships that were no longer satisfying. I concluded that I also had to give up my NYS license. The epiphany was that if I didn't I probably miss out on new opportunities or new relationships in the Washington, DC area because I was pining away for my former NY life. By obtaining my Maryland license I took the scary but freeing step of accepting that I didn't stop being who I am because I changed my address. I realized that my job was to integrate my NY flava--my NY influences into my current life. I suppose I was rebelling against the mistaken idea that I'd have to conform....that I would have to give up a big chunk of who I am/have been to fit my "mom in the burbs" life.

The point of this yarn is not to have you throw out the mementos that are testaments to your life, but to recognize when symbols of your past are blocking your journey forward. Here's the way to if an item has become an emotional crutch: Does an object evoke a fond memory? OR Does the object make you yearn desperately for bygone days? If it's the latter, it's time to let it go. You can never replicate the past. Mooning over the fabulous times that you "used to have", or the chic, single woman that "you used to be" stops you from having new adventures today and being/creating the chic mom that you are/can be today. Remember, every moment spent living in the past is a minute that you are not enjoying your present.

Man Stealing and Other Self-Delusions

2009-07-26T08:44:00.001-07:00

I've never understood the concept of a woman "stealing" a man from another woman. Certainly a woman can intentionally entice or seduce a man, but ultimately it's the man who decides to accept the offer or not. I was watching a music video the other day (I never caught the name of the artist---so much for BETJ) and I was really perplexed. The singer was chastising her boyfriend for dating another woman. In the video the guy is clearly enjoying himself with the "other woman," yet the singer is calling the other woman names and accusing her of trying to "steal" her man. The singer even physically confronts the woman in the nightclub. However most pathetic is the singer gyrating in the man's face, an attempt to convince the man that her stuff is more powerful than the next chick's....like that really matters. Throughout the video I just kept thinking, "If the man wants to go, let him go."

The concept of "stealing" a man places the onus of the betrayal or the breakdown of the relationship primarily on the "other women." It's largely a female idea---rarely do you hear a man saying that another man "stole" his woman. The notion that a man can be "stolen" or "taken," connotes ownership which is the basis of slavery, not a love relationship. A love relationship is based on both parties wanting to remain in the relationship; not one being shamed or manipulated into staying. Unfortunately when a person is intent on leaving their relationship (mentally, physically or both), there's little that you alone can do to stop them. Humans are essentially free agents, we come and go on our own volition.

What's most problematic is that the idea that a man can be stolen essentially absolves men of their responsibility to maintain honesty and integrity within their relationships. It is the man who decides that his desire to sleep with another woman is worth jeopardizing his present relationship. It is the man, not the "other woman," who repeatedly lies to maintain the affair, devaluing the bond that he has established with his current partner. Even if in the "other woman" is actually a worthless, lying tramp, the man decided to be with her. Infidelity isn't a matter to be taken lightly, but it's indicative of other problems either with the man's character or the relationship itself. Why then are women so ready to let men off the hook? Is it because many women, even unconsciously, still believe that "having a man" even a selfish, deceitful one is vital to their identity as women?

Unfortunately most women place a great deal of energy in getting a man, but seemingly little in determining whether the man is worth keeping. In the process of holding on to a man and a title (girlfriend, fiancee or wife) we frequently allow ourselves to be treated badly in the name of preserving the relationship. We forgive and forgive with stock statements like, "We've been together X many years," "He's a good man at heart," "He's going through a stressful time," "My children need a father," "All men are the same," or "My kids and I can't survive financially without him." The most empowering relationships however are between two equals who WANT to be together, but don't NEED to be together.

It seems to me that as long as women place the blame of betrayal or the breakdown on their relationships largely on the "other woman," they don't have to deal with important questions about the quality of their relationships, or the character of the men whom they are involved with, or whether or not they are desperate to maintain demeaning relationships because they want their men to fill voids (financial or emotional) that they should be taking care of themselves. There is rarely forever in love relationships, if nothing else, partners are separated by death. There is not secret to lasting love, but it definitely isn't achieved by holding pn to someone for dear life....especially someone who'se giving you their ass to kiss.

Loving someone requires give and take; it also involves regular, honest communications and the understanding that even the best relationships have their rough patches. However, if you are consistently begging someone to love you, to honor their vows to you, to pay attention to you, to give a damn about your feelings it's time to ask yourself, "Why do I love myself so little? Why am I willing to put up with such behavior? People do change, if they WANT to... but if months or years are passing and you're saying the same thing, it's doubtful that it's going to happen. Maybe it's time to release him and the relationship.

One of my favorite music videos about a failed relationship is Chrisette Michelle, She's hurt and disappointed but she respects and loves herself enough to move on.
I'm Leaving

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

Doing Your Best

2009-07-23T06:51:00.000-07:00

This morning at breakfast my five year old son said, "You are the best of mommies." As I tried to hold back my tears, I replied, "I try, I try very hard." I do my best for my son everyday, not because I am seeking his praise, but because I have the intention of being the very best mother that I can be to him. In life that's all you can do---try your best.

Some days you'll triumph and on other days you'll flounder or straight-up fail. The key to remember is that the people closest to you, the ones who matter most, are not seeking perfection from you. They merely want to feel that you care enough about them, their feelings and their wishes to do your best by them on a regular basis.

Some of us take on a bunch a projects or try to cater to a zillion friends and acquaintances, knowing full well that we aren't interested in or really capable of doing our best by them. It's no wonder that neither you nor the people you are claiming to serve feel satisfied with your efforts. Half-stepping really isn't worth it. Do something because you love it and want to give it your all....or just don't bother.

It's forseeable that later on this afternoon, my son will "quit me" because I'll decline his request for another snack or because I'll tell him that TV time is over. Again, I'm making my decisions, not to be a scold, but because I love him.
I usually explain the reasons for my actions to him and I do my best to give him more yes'es than no's. So even when he's perturbed that he didn't get his way, he knows that mommy is doing her best for him...and that's what matters.

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

You Have a Right to Change and Grow

2009-07-22T06:46:00.000-07:00

There are some people in your life who want you to stand still. They are uncomfortable with the idea of you changing or doing new things. These people understand that as you evolve they will either have to step up their own games or be left behind. We all have the right to grow and to experience new realities for ourselves. Beware of the person who wants you to be exactly the same person that you were when they met you. While your core values and beliefs needn't change, it's no badge of honor not to grow as a person...living the exact same life as you have for years on end.

Back in the day I rocked to the rap group Heavy D and the Boyz. Heavy D,the "Overweight Love" was known for a string of successful songs including, "Now That We Found Love," "Nuthin' But Love" and "Overweight Lover's in the House". Today the Jamaican born, Dwight Meyers is tearing up the reggae music scene with his album Vibes (Stride Entertainment, 2008). Today on The Tom Joyner Radio Show, Meyers said that when his child was born he wanted to be an engaged father and consequently he put his career on hold. When Meyers went back into the studio he said that he couldn't produce another Heavy D album, instead he went with his passions and created Vibes. As an established rap artist, he took a gigantic risk to produce an album that was entirely reggae. (His "Livin' Single" partner, rap artist Queen Latifah made a similar move with her R&B album, The Dana Owen Album [Interscope, 2004]) But Heavy D's life had changed, his priorities had changed and for him his music also needed to change.

Many of us get locked into a job title or an identity in our 20s and ten or even twenty years later we are petrified to release it so that we can transition to the next phase of our lives. We'll hold on to the familiar version of ourselves even when it no longer serves us. Your life should be guided by your interests and by your needs, as they stand today. Every time we do something new there is are inherent risks that it may fail and that people may not like it. However when you fail to take risks you are relegating yourself to stagnation. You are consigning yourself to a life that is not filled with joy or excitement, just predictable routines.

Heavy D took a leap of faith and in 2009 he was rewarded with a Grammy nomination for "Best Reggae Album." Maybe no one is going to give you an award for following your passions and evolving your life, but living a vibrant, fulfilling life is reward in itself.

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

"7 Days of Power Earning with Sophisticated Woman and Mama": Day Five

2009-07-16T08:37:00.000-07:00

"Get in the Game"

There are two games in life: Playing to Win and Playing NOT to lose. Most people are playing the latter. Playing NOT to lose is about avoidance. We're so afraid of taking risks, failing and looking foolish that we never position ourselves to win. You simply can't succeed if your chief intention is to play it safe.

Here are some suggestions for getting in the game:

1) Jump In. Set an intention and become ruthless about reaching your goal. If you want to make $50K next year, don't accept an offer for a job paying $35K. Be willing to stick to your guns and keep looking---OR if you're considering the $35K job be willing to make up the difference with a part-time job, or make sure the position pays a commission.

2) Be Persistent. Whatever it takes, on a daily basis move your money agenda forward. This includes making sales calls, networking, speaking, blogging, getting involved with company or community groups. All of your efforts should be tied to a profit mentality---gaining skills or contacts that can make you more money. Most important, don't make excuses why you can't regularly take steps toward your money goal.

3) Create Opportunities for Yourself. Follow through on chance occurrences. How often have you met a potential contact, had a fruitful conversation, asked for his/her business card and then failed to call the person? Similarly how many times have you sat in a business meeting and realized that there was a need or an untapped market that wasn't being addressed by the group....but you remained silent? In each instance, through follow-up there was a chance to advance your own money interests. A new higher paying job opportunity may have been created by cultivating a new acquaintance or by crafting a new project or job for yourself in your current company.

4) Ignore the naysayers. There is always someone in your life, a friend, a spouse, a co-worker or a boss who will tell you that you can't accomplish what it is you want to do. They'll lay out your lack of qualifications, your temperment, your family situation or the fact that it's never been done the way you intend as reasons why you should stop trying. Most naysayers mean well, but they only know what they know...they don't have the definitive truth about you, your goals or the various pathways to your goal. The only thing that can prevent you from achieving your goals is you. Every day people beat the odds and defy conventional wisdom. Be willing to thank the naysayers for their counsel and concern, but keep moving in the direction of dreams.

YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:

How are you keeping yourself out of the game?
Review the four points and determine how your current actions are keeping you stuck in a low paying position.

--are you making excuses, such as the economy is bad for why you are not pursuing a higher paying position?

--are you only taking sporadic actions toward your money goal?

--are you failing to recognize opportunities for career advancement?

--are you letting naysayers dissuade you about your goals?

What can you do instead in these areas to get closer to your money goals?

If you're Feeling Stuck And Need Help--Why Not Schedule a Working Moms Starter Session. Click Here for Details

"7 Days of Power Earning with Sophisticated Woman and Mama": Day Four

2009-07-02T07:47:00.000-07:00

In Day Three of the series I talked to you about intention. While intention is a magnet that attracts what you want, "letting go" provides the space for your desire to manifest.

There's a saying that two things can't occupy the same space. Essentially this means that to get where you want to go, you have to let of where you are. The letting go could be literal or figurative in the form of: limiting beliefs, a bad relationship, bad habits, a low paying job, possessions, inappropriate goals, etc.

Clinging to the security of the familiar stops you for discovering what opportunities are in your future. Holding on the the "safety" of a job, a relationship or detrimental thinking gets you more of the same: debt, burnout, boredom and personal frustration. True growth comes when you can take a leap of faith---off of the ledge of illusory safety. Once you let go you can take concrete steps toward having a financial richer and more personally fulfilling life.

YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:
What are you doing in your life that you already KNOW is bad for you. Are you holding on to a job that makes you miserable? Are you holding on to a relationship that depletes your energy? Are you holding on to negative beliefs about yourself that you hindering your progress?

First ask yourself why are you holding on.

Then ask yourself what would you do if the situation disappeared tomorrow. For example you were laid off or your partner/friend ended your relationship.

Finally ask yourself, what the steps can you can take today to end the situation and move into a more fulfilling and rewarding situation.

Change doesn't always happen swiftly, but it's a certainty that you can't go from broke and miserable to financially secure and happy without letting go of some of your detrimental thinking and actions.

If you're Feeling Stuck And Need Help--Why Not Schedule a Working Moms Starter Session. Click Here for Details

"7 Days of Power Earning with Sophisticated Woman and Mama": Day Three

2009-06-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

Practically every high income woman comes to point in her life when she makes the "money decision." It's when she says to herself, "it's time to make for me to make some money." While some women come to this decision early in their careers, for others the change comes later in life. The late bloomers are often prompted by a divorce, a lay-off or an illness that results in mounting debt or a diminished lifestyle.

Initially it's not necessary that you have a full blown plan of action. However the intention to make more money, becomes the basis for making new and different choices about your income and finances. Cultivating a "profit mentality" (see Day Two) calls for you to value the worth of your services appropriately. Having a profit mentality also means that you eliminate both the time wasting activities and the excuses that are keeping you from achieving your goal.

If you want to know your strongest intention regarding money---simply look at your current life. If you say that you want to make more money but you're in debt, in a low-paying job, you can't find the time to do what it takes to make more money or money simply eludes you---either you have not set an intention to make money or you have actually decided not be be financially successful. Remember no decision is still a decision.

YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:
Sit down with a piece of paper and write down that today you are intending to generate make more money.

1. Include a set dollar amount that you intend to make in the next 12 months.

2. Connect the money you intend to make to a concrete goal. For instance, I will use this extra $10,000 to pay down credit card bills, make a downpayment on a house; invest in my retirement fund or take a vacation.

3. Brainstorm about what steps you can take immediately to generate more income. (Be aware of internal resistence that you will feel---push past it)

If you're Feeling Stuck And Need Help--Why Not Schedule a Working Moms Starter Session. Click Here for Details

"7 Days of Power Earning with Sophisticated Woman and Mama": Day Two

2009-06-16T06:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I gave you some tips about finding out what would motivate you to make more money. Money as we discussed is merely a result--the endpoint. There has to be come strong emotional pull or goal that is going to make you undertake the work needed to change your mind-set and actions toward money.

The next step is to look at the shared characteristics of a power earners. It's important to look at the similarities between successful people as a way to change your own attitudes and behaviors.

Here are the four key traits of high-income women:

1. Profit-Mentality: They expect to be well compensated for their time, talent and/or expertise. They want to make money because they enjoy what money gives them.

2. Daring: They have a willingness to stretch beyond their comfort zones and try something that she's not altogether sure she can accomplish.

3. Resilience: They have ability to get up and brush herself off when she's faced with an obstacle or a flat-out failure.

4. Supportive network: They have nurturing friendships and personal relationships. There are people in their lives who cheer them on and encourage them to keep moving toward their goals.

YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:
Compare the 4 traits of high-income women to yourself. This exercise is not designed to make you feel bad. The purpose is to have you clearly assess how your beliefs,a ctions and relationships are impacting your ability to take that steps that would earn you more money. Afterwards look at each quality of power-earners and in each area decide on one step that you could take immediately to make a change. For instance you may decide to raise your rates or cut-back on "volunteering" your services unless you are REALLY passionate about the project.

If you're Feeling Stuck And Need Help--Why Not Schedule a Working Moms Starter Session. Click Here for Details

"7 Days of Power Earning with Sophisticated Woman and Mama": Day One

2009-06-15T10:53:00.000-07:00

One of the chief complaints I hear from women, particularly working mothers is that "I need to make more money." That "money" maybe for essentials like rent or food, or to leave a bad marriage or to provide their families with some well deserved extras. Women are notorious underearners. I describe an underearner as someone who consistently makes less income than she needs or that would be beneficial for her life and family, usually for no clear reason and despite her stated desire to do otherwise.

So today, on our first day of "7 Days of Power Earning with Sophisticated Woman and Mama" I am going to ask to you focus on your values rather than on making money.

Most high-income women say that money does not motivate them. They state their success and the money that followed are related to what money meant to them. Some of the values that high earning women associated with money are:

financial independence/freedom: the ability to take care of themselves and their children.

autonomy: the means to create the work environment and lifestyle that they desire.

service to others: the capacity to support and promote causes, ideas and people that are important to them.

fame being recognized locally, nationally or internationally as one of the best in a given field.

choices: being able to explore what the world has to offer.

To begin your journey to becoming a power earner, remember:
Money in nothing more than a tool for exchange---in and of itself it has no meaning.

YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:
For the moment, let's not talk about money. Instead list 5 of your key values---things have actually motivated to you action in the past-- things that speak to who you are as a person. From that list decide which one is the strongest motivator---meaning that the idea of achieving or experiencing it could spur you to make different choices about your work and life.

If you're Feeling Stuck And Need Help--Why Not Schedule a Working Moms Starter Session. Click Here for Details

Becoming Free by Learning To Let it Go

2009-06-10T12:23:00.000-07:00

Writer Sally Klimpton in a wonderful article in Yoga Journal discusses practicing detachment. The language is simple and encourages each of us,not to live in isolation, but to learn that worrying about or clinging to a person or situation will not bring us happiness. Ultimately we have to release the person or circumstance and let it take its natural course---toward us or away from us.

Klimpton says:

It took me a few years of throwing out the baby instead of the bathwater to figure out that detachment is not about external things. In fact, as is so often the case with the big issues of spiritual life, detachment involves a deep paradox. It's true that those without a lot of clutter in their lives have more time for inner practice. But in the long run, disengaging ourselves from family, possessions, political activism, friendships, and career pursuits can actually impoverish our inner lives. Engagement with people and places, skills and ideas, money and possessions is what grounds inner practice in reality. Without these external relationships, and the pressure they create, it's hard to learn compassion; to whittle away at anger, pride, and hardness of heart; to put spiritual insights into action.

So we can't use detachment as an excuse not to deal with fundamental issues such as livelihood, power, self-esteem, and relationships with other people. (Well, we can, but eventually those issues will rise up and smack us in the face, like an insulted ingenue in a 1950s movie.) Nor can we make detachment a synonym for indifference, or carelessness, or passivity. Instead, we can practice detachment as a skill—perhaps the essential skill for infusing our lives with integrity and grace.

To read the entire article: Just Let Go

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Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

Stoke Your Creativity by Trying Something New

2009-06-10T07:11:00.000-07:00

When were in your twenties you woke up everyday to possibility. You believed that opportunities were coming your way and you were fertile with new ideas. In your gut, you believed that you were going to do big things and live large. At that time in your life you believed that any day your life would take off---you'd be transformed into the brilliant, urbane and dynamic---artist, entrepreneur, corporate executive, lawyer...fill in the blank, that you always dreamed of being. Additionally, you'd have a fabulous home, great friends, take luxury trips and have a loving and adoring partner.

As you crept into your thirties or forties you began to become "more realistic" and your creativity began to wane. It seems that you lost interest in big dreams, and you were using your precious little energy just to get through each day. You are probably engaged in a demanding career and have a variety of family obligations. You see yourself more in the past tense, than in the future. Your personal dreams and ambitions have taken a back seat to the practical matters of your life.

How do you reinvigorate yourself? One secret to sustaining creativity and a zest for life is being open to new experiences. Do something different, take a risk, stretch yourself. Professionally, you don't have to quit your job, but you may want to change direction in your current field. Personally, you could take a class, try a new restaurant or better yet take a trip to a new destination---anything that takes you out of your comfort zone.

Enjoying your life and continuing to see new opportunities is do-able. This can be achieved by seeing your life as a book with new chapters that you can still discover---rather than as a sitcom rerun you've seen a million times before.

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:
Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

Don't Plan a Career, Instead Prepare & Build Skills

2009-06-09T09:13:00.000-07:00

Sophisticated Woman and Mama Business Tip:

Clarence Otis, Jr. CEO of Darden Restaurants (Red Lobster, Olive Garden and Capital Grille) says the he received some particularly good career advice. It was, "As you think about career, it's not about planning it. Things are too dynamic; there's too much going on; there are too many things that'll pop up, good and bad. It's not about planning and career planning; it's about preparation and building skills. And if you do that, then you'll recover from the mishaps, and you'll be able to take advantage of the opportunities."

What preparation do you need to jumpstart?
What skills do you need to develop or build?

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:
Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

Writing a Daily Script for Success

2009-06-02T07:37:00.000-07:00

A person's thoughts--or rather what they focus on in a large part determines how his/her life unfolds. If that's the case, people can decide what kind of day that they'd like to have, what people they should meet or encounter and what they'd like to accomplish. Unfortuately, many of us are not able to successful create the lives that we wish.

According to business coach and intuitive, Mariana M Cooper:

The secret to getting these circumstances to occur is to ASK!! Believe it or not we seem to be much better about visualizing the BIG PICTURE. The big house, the new car, the great guy or gal who is our ULTIMATE soul mate, the windfall of money is what we envision. That is great! And it is important to have that big vision.

BUT here is the secret: You MUST visualize how you want the small in between steps to unfold as well! You must ASK for the resources, the next steps to take toward your ultimate goals that are for your highest good, the helpful people that can really move you forward etc.

Here is what I do each morning and it WORKS really well:

As you awake say "Thank you"

Then ask "How May I Serve?"

Then Script Your Day by declaring: "Today I see myself meeting a person who will...... or Today I will have an amazing money miracle that really propels me forward... or Today I am in the right place, at the right time meeting all the right people...

You can also take some time to actually visualize yourself solving a particular issue, having an easy time with a customer service agent, feeling surprised at the end of the day about how fabulous it all went...

Let yourself get emotional about it and feel the essence of your script coming to fruition!

And then LET IT GO!!!! Refrain from analyzing whether it is going to happen or if this works or why it works for someone else and not you etc etc.

The Power of Choice

2009-05-30T06:57:00.000-07:00

People either love the film The Matrix or hate it. There's a variety of theories about the film and what it's real message is. In actually The Matrix's futuristic setting is nothing more than a backdrop to explore age old concepts such as truth and choice. The main idea is that we have the choice to pursue truth and realign our thinking or we can opt to do nothing and accept a false reality.

In the film Neo (Kenau Reeves) decides to pursue the truth and immediately awakens to another world; it's a reality quite different from what he had previously been led to believe in. Ultimately seeking the truth may lead you to have to examine who you are and what you believe in. It may also irrevocably alter the course of your life and relationships. Each person has to decide for his or her self which is better: to seek the truth or to exist in an illusion.

Achieving Goals with the Law of Least Effort

2009-05-29T06:35:00.000-07:00

Many of us are trying to "make things happen." That's great unless that the thing that you're fixating on isn't really part of your life path, isn't really a true desire of your heart. In the instances when you are pursuing goals that aren't really for you, it's inevitable that you will fail and that before you experience the final gut wrenching failure, you will have taken a journey that was difficult and frustrating.

The key principle of the law of least resistance is that you expend less energy when your energies are motivated by love. This doesn't mean that you can just sit down and meditate and poof something occurs. However it means that when you are guided by love, rather than fear, you will be in the flow. You'll thoroughly enjoy the path that you are on, the people and resources that you need will appear and problems will be resolved quickly. It means that you are following the signs and opportunities that present themselves in your life. It also means that you out in the world engaging new people, new ideas and new realities.

Deepak Chopera says in The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success: When you seek power and control over people you waste energy. When you seek money or power for the sake of the ego, you spend energy chasing the illusion of happiness instead of enjoying happiness in the moment. When you seek money for personal gain only, you cut off the flow of energy to yourself, and interfere with the expression of nature's intelligence.

Think about about your life as if you are swimming in the ocean. You can choose to swim with the current and joyfully glide to your destination....experiencing a few bumps and some minor detours. You could however choose to swim against the current, fighting with every stroke to subdue the water and stay on your course. So which is it? Are you going with the flow of yor life and enjoying the ride or are you resisting, in a constant struggle to keep your head above water?
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Yvonne Bynoe, The Working Moms Mentor, is the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.workingmomsmentor.com

Why We Sabotage Our Own Dreams

2009-05-27T07:54:00.001-07:00

Oscar Wilde said: "Each man kills the thing he loves." And that's true. The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we don't deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all of the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far. I have known a lot of people who, when their personal calling was within their grasp; went on to commit a series of stupid mistakes and never reached their goal---when it was only a step away.

Excerpt from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:
Yvonne Bynoe, The Working Moms Mentor, is the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.workingmomsmentor.com

The Importance of Conflict in Love Relationships

2009-05-21T05:54:00.000-07:00

When we hide from conflict, we're avoiding a chance to deepen our relationships. I remember a beautiful sermon I heard years ago on "becoming married." It was given by the then dean of the Houston Cathedral, Pittman McGehee. He urged us to see marriage as a process and, especially, to be open to the negative side of intimacy---the hurt, the criticism, the losses that bring depth to the relationship and bring us closer to each other. He cautioned us to be wary of a relationship that has no room for anger or pain, that is lived on the surface of niceness behind smiling masks that block us from experiencing our own vulnerability and each other's reality. He pleaded with us to realize that the self-protective devices behind which we barricade ourselves are actually self-destructive.

Excerpt from the book, On Becoming Fearless by Arianna Huffington

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:
Yvonne Bynoe, The Working Moms Mentor, is the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.workingmomsmentor.com

Becoming Fearless in Love

2009-05-20T05:12:00.000-07:00

One of the things women find hard to do in relationships is make clear what we want. In fact, we fear that doing so might be a turn off to the man. But part of fearlessness is expressing what's important to us and knowing that we are strong enough---and willing---to walk away if the other person can't handle the mere expression of our needs.

Of course, we should also be aware of how we ask for what we want. Are we asking or demanding? Is what we're asking for what we really want or a stand-in for something else that we're actually too afraid to bring up? And if we don't always get what we want (which is inevitable), are we going to be bitter and resentful about it?

Excerpt from On Becoming Fearless by Arianna Huffington

Working Moms Mentor Quotable:

2009-05-19T06:36:00.000-07:00

I have come to
believe...that what is
most important
to me must be spoken,
made verbal and
shared, even at the risk
of having it bruised or
misunderstood.

--Audre Lorde

Getting Rid of Limiting Beliefs

2009-05-18T06:30:00.000-07:00

What are your beliefs about yourself, your life or your capabilities that is helping you to stay stuck? What is on the tape recording that is your mind that keeps telling yout that you can't do better or have more? Here's a wonderful process inspired by author and filmmaker Sophia Quintero to get unblocked by de-constructing your limited thinking. The original exercise requires a 30 day commitment, but I'm starting with a seven day process....you can do as many days as you feel necessary.

Make a list of 7 limiting beliefs that you have. Everyday for the next 7 days take one belief and write your answers to the following questions about it:

1. Is it true?
2. How do I know it's true?
3. How does believing this impact me?
4. Who would I be if I let go of this belief?

Take the first steps toward releasing your greatness!
=========================================
Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:
Yvonne Bynoe, The Working Moms Mentor, is the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.workingmomsmentor.com

What Are Your Four Agreements?

2009-05-15T06:36:00.000-07:00

Don Miguel Ruiz reveals the four agreements, based on ancient Toltec wisdom, that can put people on the road to personal freedom.

1. Be impeccable with your word. Don't say it unless you mean it, and if it's gossip keep a lid on it.

2. Don't take anything personally. What other people say or do isn't because if you, it's because of their own life experiences.

3. Don't make assumptions. Preconceived ideas about what other people think can get you into trouble, and rigid notions of how things "should be" lead to disappointment.

4. Always do your best, but no more. Post facto browbeating is pointless.

=================================================
Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:
Yvonne Bynoe, The Working Moms Mentor, is the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.workingmomsmentor.com

When It Comes to Mothering It's Quality over Quantity

2009-04-24T07:23:00.000-07:00

I found a wonderful blog post from Sarah (Rashidsmom.com) that should relieve some working mothers of their angst over how their children will turn out. It appears that the key determinant to child development isn't whether or not a mother works but the quality of the time that she spends with her children.

Sarah cites a 2005 The University of Texas study that did not find any developmental problems in children whose mothers worked outside the home. Dr. Aletha Huston, the study’s director states, “The mother is an important source of care then, but she doesn’t have to be there 24 hours a day to build a strong relationship with her child.”

Some of the points of the study include:

•infant development is not delayed when a mother works outside the home.
•a mother’s personality, including their beliefs and the quality of their parenting was more important than the amount of time spent with their child.
•working mothers spent more time with their children on days off.
•working mothers spent less time on household chores and leisure activities.
•there were no differences in social behavior, cognitive ability and language development whether mothers stayed at home or worked.

Sarah concludes,"children will thrive based not on how much time they spend together,with their mothers but on the quality of time spent together. mothers that are comfortable with their decision, are confident in their abilities and provide loving and nurturing homes have the best chance of raising well-adjusted children, whether they work outside the home or stay at home."

Amen to that!

Working Moms and Stress

2009-04-23T07:56:00.000-07:00

Many working mothers will not admit that they are burned out. To do so would be an admission that they are not Superwomen---able to balance family obligations and work demands while wearing high heels. However three sure signs that you are burned out are:

-loss of interest in regular activities;
-loss of sleep;
-or feelings of panic.

In an article, "Working Mothers,Where is All of this Stress Coming From?" psychologist, Dr. Sherrie Bourg Carter is quoted as saying that once a working mother determines that she is burned-out, she should take steps to detemine why. Among the reasons that Dr. Carter cites for stress are:

•Limited time
•Not enough money (at least not enough to do the things you feel you should be doing for your children - ie: enrolling them in all activities)
•Pressures from the spouse, who may feel neglected because of the time you spend on other things
•Physical and hormonal changes from childbirth and aging
•Worrying about the children in a general sense - their safety, their well being

As a coach who works with working mothers, I see these stress factors all of the time. I frequently coach my clients to take steps to address, one by one, the things, people or activities that are causing them to burn-out. It's important that working mothers clients realize that they can't keep running on fumes. They are not only jeopardizing the quality of their own life and health, but also the quality of their most treasured relationships.

How Working Mothers Can Deal w/ Guilt

2009-04-20T05:49:00.000-07:00

It's no surprise that a large number of working moms wish that they could be better mothers. There's a great deal of pressure for mothers to do it all---- and do it all perfectly. Working mother's guilt arises when women don't meet their own very high, (frequently unrealistic) expecations about motherhood.

In the blog post, Dealing With Working Moms Guilt, Whether You Love or Hate Your Job writer Katherine Lewis discusses how to tackle working mother's guilt. She indicates that feeling the guilt doesn't make women bad mothers. However those feelings could be raising issues related to child care, their personal relationships, and the frequency and quality of time that they are spending with their children that we should be addressing.

Children At Work

2009-04-16T11:30:00.000-07:00

Blogger Kelly Coyle DiNorca's post at Your (Wo)Man in Washington gave me something to think about as working mother. Kelly works from home for a youth sports organization. She's trying to juggle earning an income with childcare-- she has a sitter come only once a week. There are times when her business calls are interrupted by the demands of motherhood. While most of her business contacts tend to understand her balancing act---professional/mother, she recognizes that many people see bringing a child into the workplace as unprofessional. While WAHMs are imperfectly integrating their various roles, she wonders what are the options for working mothers in traditional employment settings.

DiNorca says, "The most recent issue of Mothering Magazine contains an article by Laura Ulrich called “Home is where the job is: A savvy mother’s advice on loving, money-making, and leaving the laundry behind”. This article ends with the statement, 'The more we as mothers take ownership of the right to integrate our lives, the more society at large will evolve to support such work arrangements.' However, all but one of the mothers interviewed for the article were self-employed, and found ways to carve out a self-designed (and defined) niche where they could meld caregiving with wage-earning. Absent were mothers who were able to achieve this sort of synthesis while working in professional or traditional jobs."

Click Here to read the entire post, "Should I Go or Should I Stay?"

New Working Mothers--How High Achievers Can Deal w/Performance Anxiety

2009-04-15T10:02:00.000-07:00

I was shocked to learn that high-achieving women were more likely than other women to abandon their jobs after becoming new mothers.

A recent article posted on the blog,TheGlassHammer.com, geared toward women in the financial, legal and business professions stated, "We find that these women who have achieved a lot in a short time, rising rapidly through the ranks, are the ones most likely not to return after maternity leave or they return and then quit after a few months.”

The post goes on to say that these high achieving Gen-X moms, women defined as being in their late 20s-early 40s are "Uncomfortable with the idea of not being able to give 150% at work and still be a super mom at home, she starts to wonder if she should exit the workforce… at least until her child is old enough for school after 3-5 years of developmentally-appropriate interactions with her."

Simi Sanni Nwogugu of HOD Consulting provides great tips to help new working mothers to overcome their fears and successfully stay in the workforce. Click Here to read the entire article.

Slow Parenting: Taking it Old School

2009-04-11T15:21:00.000-07:00

How many articles have we read of parents micro-managing their children---even doing their school projects? Most of us have seen how competition to get ahead, which was formerly only a workplace phenomenon, has seeped into the lives of our school-age children. Middle class parents especially are in a frenzy to make sure that their sons and daughters get into elite institutions. In their twelve year preparation kids are scheduled for umpteenth enrichment activities each year. Parents in their roles as "success coaches" for their kids are coordinating all of logicistics, often for multiple children . Many parents in their quest to do "everything right" are stressing themselves and their kids out unnecessarily.

In the blog article, "Slow Parenting: The New, Old Way of Doing Things," writer Bethany Sanders interviews author Carl Honoré who has written two books on "slow parenting." She says that, "a perfect storm of workplace competition, a consumer culture that demands perfection, smaller families and parental anxiety have created an atmosphere where parents feel compelled to push their kids (and themselves) harder than ever.

"The bottom line is that parents in this generation have lost their confidence," Honoré tells Lisa Belkin, Motherlode blogger, "That makes us easy prey for companies hawking unnecessary tools for childrearing (helmets to protect two-year-olds from toddling injuries, anyone?). And very vulnerable to pressure from other parents ("What, you mean your child doesn't have a tutor?!?")."

Read the entire article.

Tax Tips if You Have a Nanny or Regular Babysitter

2009-04-11T07:12:00.000-07:00

If you have a babysitter or other household employees who is on a consistent weekly schedule, you may need to pay the "Nanny Tax."

According to Katherine Lewis, About.com's working mom's expert,"If you have a nanny or frequent babysitter for your child, you need to understand the nanny tax. The IRS requires anyone with household help, such as a babysitter or housekeeper, to pay Social Security and Medicare taxes if annual pay crosses a set threshold, which was $1,600 for 2008 and $1,700 for 2009."

Read Katherine's entire article, How To Pay the Nanny Tax-Easy Instructions for Forms W-2 and W-3."

The Value of Domestic Outsourcing

2009-04-10T06:20:00.000-07:00

Too many working mothers think that they have to be superwoman. In their quest to be perfect mothers and wives they are running themselves ragged with activities that don't bring them joy, just public validation. When I coach women I tell them to delegate the activities that don't bring them fulfillment---this leaves them more time to pursue that activities and relationships that really matter to them.

I stumbled upon a blog post, Domestic Outsourcing that is a must read on the topic.

Following Your Own Path

2009-04-05T14:42:00.001-07:00

Following Your Own Path

You enter the forest
at the darkest point,
where there is no path.

Where there is a way or path,
it is someone else’s path.

You are not on your own path.

If you follow someone else’s way,
you are not going to realize your potential.

~ Joseph Campbell

Your Personal Bucket List

2009-04-05T08:47:00.000-07:00

Last night I settled down with my first movie from Netflix, The Bucket List. I must admit that this movie is not one that I would have chosen on my own. The film starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman about two dying buddies just didn't appeal to me. However, a glowing recommendation from my sister convinced me to put the film in my Netflix queue.

It sounds cliche but I laughed and I cried. More important, the movie made me think. The Bucket List focuses on things that the two dying men want to accomplish before they died. Each man had allowed life and circumstances to get in the way of living fuller lives. Without revealing too much of the plot, Morgan Freeman's character has sacrificed his intellectual talents and ambitions for his family and Jack Nicholson's character has perhaps sacrificed his personal life to build his vast empire. In the remaining time that they had, the bucket list provided the two men with the last opportunity to fulfill their life dreams.

While I watched the movie, I began to think about the things that I had yet to do and began wondering what I was waiting for?--the right time, more money, what? It occurred to me that life moves rapidly and that if I don't make my goals and ambitions part of my everyday existence, they may indeed slip off the radar. I am happy to say that thus far I have few regrets and that I have some achievements under by belt...but there is more that I have to conquer and experience.

In the next few days I will be working on my own bucket list. I just think that it shouldn't take a terminal illness to wake us up to the possibilities of our lives. I truly believe that if we are truly grateful for our lives, we should be doing our best to live to our fullest potential daily.

Money Books for Mothers Who Hate Finances

2009-03-27T08:23:00.000-07:00

Many working mothers fail to develop a strong financial vision for themselves and their families not because they are naive or irresponsible. They don't take an active role usually out of fear---fear that they don't know enough to manage their families' money.

This economy has showed us that even high-wage earning husbands can and do lose their jobs. This means that Working Moms and SAHMs have to seriously think about how they and their families would fair if either they or their husbands lose their jobs.

Here are three great financial books that will help women who have avoided dealing with their families finances.

Women and Money: Owning the Power to Control Your Destiny Suze Orman

Make Money, Not Excuses: Wake Up, Take Charge & Overcome Financial Fears Forever
Jean Chatzey

7 Money Mantra for a Richer Life: How to Live Well with the Money You HaveMichelle Singletary

Creating a Strong Financial Vision is one of the principles of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM) Learn more about it at Working Moms Mentor

The Economy is Forcing More Moms Back to Work

2009-03-26T12:11:00.000-07:00

According to a recent article in Time magazine men make up 82% of the recession’s job losses, which means a lot more mothers are looking for work as a way to replace the husband's lost paycheck. The Time magazine article discusses the shifting reality for many women married to White collar professionals. These mothers who had "opted out" of Corporate America to care for their children are now despite to find jobs, now that their husbands are unemployed.

Using my Working Moms Balancing System(TM) I coach mothers about how to develop a strong financial vision for the families in the event that their husbands gets sick, dies, loses his job, or wants a divorce. Regardless of your husband's income, advance planning means that you and their family will be able to continue to maintain your desired lifestyle, even in the face of an economic downturn.

The Importance of Self-Care

2009-03-26T08:12:00.000-07:00

Far too many working mothers put their jobs, household responsibilities and other people before themselves. Although they may not actually say it, their actions translate to, "I'm not as important and I don't deserve to put my needs first."

What many working moms fail to realize is that if you don't meet your own emotional and physical needs, you will have trouble meeting the needs of those who depend on you. Self-care is key to you being able to take care of others. In my Working Moms Balancing System (TM) I often tell women that "self-care" is akin to the fly attendant telling passengers to put on their oxygen mask first, even if they have children. If you are run down, tired or emotionally depleted, you simply will not be able to assist your family members or make valuable contributions to your work life.

So practice self-care on a regular basis. Take a bubble bath each evening to unwind; sign up for a weekly class; schedule a regular date-night with your partner or have a weekend lunch with your girlfriends. It's less important what you do, than that you consistently do things that replenish your mind, body and soul.

The Way to Get More is to Be Thankful for What You've Got"

2009-03-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

Every morning when I wake up, I say, "Thank You." I say thank you to the Creator that I have been given another day to love, to nurture my son and to take action into becoming the person that I want to be. Being thankful for what you already have is the easiest thing that you can do to let the Universe know that you are ready to receive even more love and opportunities. When I coach working mothers, I tell them, "You can't create a less stressful, more fulfilling, more financially abundant life until you begin to be truly grateful for your current life."

Oprah Winfrey says, "I started out giving thanks for small things and the more thankful I became, the more my bounty increased. That's because what you focus on expands, and when you focus on the good in your life, you create more of it. Opportunities, relationships, even money flowed my way when I learned to be grateful no matter what happened in my life."

Think of yourself as a giant magnet. Whatever you are feeling, whether it's love, fear, anger, happiness, anger, joy, gratitude, resistance etc., you are creating a magnetic force that draws you to people, events, conditions and circumstances which directly represent what your emotions. If you hate your old car, don't be surprised if it's constantly breaking down. If you fear poverty, you probably find it difficult to either make money or to hold onto it for long. However if you express gratitude for what any situation projects: a life lesson, an opportunity, love, friendship, honesty, your home, your family, the ability to pay your bills, your health, etc. a magnetic force draws to you more of what you are expressing gratitude for.

Master teacher and author Iyanla Vanzant says whatever is going on in your life say, "Thank you." Even if you are in the middle of a "crisis", saying "Thank you" does two things: First it alerts you to the fact that you are intended to learn something about YOURSELF through the situation that you are going through. For example, you may find that you owe $1,000 more on your income tax than you thought, or you may lose your job to downsizing. You might ask, "How do you wrap gratitude around that?" Here's your answer, the second point. Saying "Thank you" affirms that you have the faith to not just survive the situation that you're in, but also the wisdom to use the lesson to catapult your life forward.

Gratitude doesn't mean that you jump for joy at whatever occurs in your life. Instead, it means that you acknowledge, bear witness to, and see whatever is put before you. You are willing to let it be there, doing nothing to postpone whatever lesson or opportunity comes from fortune and misfortune. For example: The extra $1,000 you owe the IRS could be a lesson about taking better care of your financial affairs. The job loss may force you to stop making excuses about why you can't pursue the "dream" business that you've been talking about for years.

I heard about one couple who opened an expensive bottle of wine after learning that the husband had lost his high-paying job. They toasted each other and gave thanks for their lives. I wasn't surprised to learn that several weeks later a former business associate offered the husband a new job. When I am feeling less than joyful, I look around and find things that make me happy: pictures of my son, a hot cup of green tea, beautiful music, time to reflect, financial abundance, healthy family, wonderful friends, etc. After 10 minutes of doing this I usually feel better. Some people keep a Gratitude Journal to record the thing that they are thankful for on a daily basis. There is no right way to be grateful. Just find a way that works for you.

This week think about how you can show gratitude. Create a ritual or practice that you can do everyday that allows you to say "thank you" for all of the good in your life. Don't make it a rote exercise, but one that is heartfelt. Once you start focusing your attention on the beauty and abundance that your life already possesses, you'll be ready to open you mind and heart to even more love, joy and prosperity.

5 Legal Documents Every Working Moms Needs

2009-03-12T10:29:00.000-07:00

On of the steps of my Working Moms Balancing System (TM) is "Build A Strong Financial Vision." I coach working mothers on the importance of organizing their financial lives to support their families, in the unfortunate event that they get sick or die.

On the CNBC program, "In the Money" family attorney, Alexis Martin Neely
discussed the five legal documents everyone needs, ESPECIALLY if you have children.

Those 5 Documents Are:

1. Guardianship documents for your children. You may need to have a short-term guardian to take care of your children in case you are hospitalized. You may also need a long-term guardian in the event you are permanently incapacitated or die. Martin suggests keeping the names of your children's
guardian(s) in your wallet in case of an accident. Get her FREE Kids Protection Kit

2. A Will: This document will dictate to whom you want your personal property and money to go to.

3. A Living Trust:. This document will indicate how you want your house, rental property and other assets to be distributed. A living trust is a way to avoid probate court.

4. A Durable Power of Attorney: This document gives another adult the legal authority to conduct your personal business (e.g.banking, paying bills) and/or to make decisions on your behalf in the event that you are unable to do so.

5. An Advance Healthcare Directive: In the event that you are unable to voice your wishes, this documents gives doctors and medical personnel instructions about the type(s) of medical treatment, procedures and lifesaving measures you want performed.

See Alexis Martin Neely's entire CNBC interview:

Being a Perfectionist is Over-Rated

2009-03-12T06:40:00.001-07:00

I checked Facebook this morning and found a wonderful "note" from a friend, Nikki Duncan-Smith; she sent it out to her friendship circle. I had the pleasure of meeting Nikki years ago before there was Facebook. She's a wonderful writer, wife and mother. So I wanted to share these words of wisdom--- about releasing our need to be perfect that she passed on to her friends.

It is good to remember that one of our goals in life is to not be perfect. We often lose track of this aspiration. When we make mistakes, we think that we are failing or not measuring up. But if life is about experimenting, experiencing, and learning, then to be imperfect is a prerequisite. Life becomes much more interesting once we let go of our quest for perfection and aspire for imperfection instead.

This doesn’t mean that we don’t strive to be our best. We simply accept that there is no such thing as perfection—especially in life. All living things are in a ceaseless state of movement. Even as you read this, your hair is growing, your cells are dying and being reborn, and your blood is moving through your veins. Your life changes more than it stays the same. Perfection may happen in a moment, but it will not last because it is an impermanent state. Trying to hold on to perfection or forcing it to happen causes frustration and unhappiness.

In spite of this, many of us are in the habit of trying to be perfect. One way to nudge ourselves out of this tendency is to look at our lives and notice that no one is judging us to see whether or not we are perfect. Sometimes, perfectionism is a holdover from our childhood—an ideal we inherited from a demanding parent. We are adults now, and we can choose to let go of the need to perform for someone else’s approval. Similarly, we can choose to experience the universe as a loving place where we are free to be imperfect. Once we realize this, we can begin to take ourselves less seriously and have more fun. Imperfection is inherent t o being human. By embracing your imperfections, you embrace yourself.

How to Achieve Goals that REALLY Matter to You

2009-03-06T10:13:00.001-08:00

Recently I was asked, "What do you tell someone who’s doing all the things you’re supposed to--- affirmations, managing her time, taking actions but she’s still not reaching her goals? I responded that if a person is doing all of the "right" thing and she is not making any progress it’s time for her to re-examine her goals. To put it plainly it’s time for the woman to come clean with herself. She has to decide whether the goal that is eluding her is something that she actually wants or something that she thinks that she "should" want.

Unfortunately too many working mothers make decisions about their lives based on "shoulds" rather than on their wants. This list of "shoulds" is often quite lengthy and is usually a collection of the opinions and thoughts of the woman’s family and friends. It includes a variety of categories such as "how she should dress," "how she should parent her children," "who she should be friends with," what kind of car she should drive" and "what kind of wife/partner she should be." If a woman just follows the list of "shoulds," she pleases her friends and family but she isn’t asking herself whether or not the items on that list correspond to her true beliefs and desires. What this means is that if the woman’s stated goal isn’t in alignment with the her values and principles, it’s unlikely that she will attain it. You may ask why?

If a person is really committed to a goal that is aligned with her core values, she’ll do WHATEVER it takes to achieve it. WHATEVER could mean getting a new job, going back to school, moving to a new city, hiring a coach, ending a relationship or cutting back on commitments. However if the woman is lukewarm about the goal, she’s only make half-hearted measures to achieve----despite lip service to the contrary. I’ve said over and over to clients that people do the hard, difficult work when some really matters to them, when they really want change. If a person isn’t willing to put in the time, sweat or tears toward a goal, it’s probably because she doesn’t really want it. In that instance the Universe will grant her wish by keeping the goal from her.

If in your bones you REALLY want a goal but it remains out of your reach, it’s time for you to do some serious thinking. Where are you stuck? Are you a procrastinator who does a lot of planning but never get around to taking the action steps. Are you kind of "hit and miss" with you goals—rarely taking consistent actions. Are you guilty of self-sabotage—not truly believing that you’re capable of achieving your goal. Whatever’s holding you back from achieving your goals realize that YOU have the ability to re-train your mind.

•You can stop "paralysis of analysis" by mapping out your goal and taking "baby steps."

•You can stop haphazard implementation by creating a lifestyle that supports daily action toward your goals

•You can free yourself from limiting beliefs that rob you of your confidence by learning to silence your internal critic.

It may sound cliche but the old Napoleon Hill quote, "If you can conceive it, you can achieve it" is still on the money. Honestly, these are three issues that nearly every successful person has to overcome. Maybe you just need help eliminating your mental obstacles

This week think about a goal that you just can’t seem attain. Think about why you’re interested in achieving the goal. It is to make yourself happy and fulfilled OR are you concerned with pleasing someone else? If you are committed to the goal then you must identify the action that you’ve been unwilling to take to make it happen. If you’re ambivalent about the goal, scrap that "should" and imagine a goal that you actually want to achieve. Once you make a firm decision, you will open yourself up to new possibilities that will help you to create a new and exciting life full of love, joy and prosperity.

Getting My Priorities Straight

2009-03-04T08:30:00.000-08:00

Early this morning I heard birds outside my bedroom window. The sound made me conscious that I had been blessed with another day on this Earth. I began to think about how I was going to spend the day---rushing to finish my to-do list or in serious contemplation about the bigger picture as it pertains to my life?

Today I am asking myself the following questions:

1) How can I be of service?
2) What is my contribution?
3) What is my vision for my life?
4) What steps am I taking reach my short and long-term goals
5) What can I do today to live a bolder, more abundant and more fulfilling life?

Here's a quote by Margaret Young that resonates with my life assignment,
"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want."

Can Working Mothers Really Find Balance?

2009-03-02T07:23:00.000-08:00

Balance...the equilibrium between work life and family life. It's the condition that many working mothers crave to attain. These women are seeking a way to address the myriad of needs that their varied identities: mother, wager earner, woman, daughter, community member, partner require.....and remain sane, calm and fulfilled in the process.

Writer Thembsia Mshaka in an open letter to First Lady Michelle Obama challenges the notion of balance asserting, "[w]hat women need is work-life function. ‘Balance’ connotes equal distribution. No one woman can be at the meeting that runs long, at the spring recital, and lounging before the fire in lingerie at one time. Inevitably, something gets sacrificed."

She continues by saying,"You are most fortunate to have a husband who is a present, loving, and participating father; and equally blessed to have your mother with you to share in the labor of love known as parenting. What about married women of soldiers on duty? What about single moms, women with absentee spouses who opt out of parenting, or women whose parents or extended family are in different locations, differently abled, or deceased? What about the women who can’t afford to hire a nanny or even a babysitter on a consistent basis?"

Whether a woman uses the term "balance" or "work-life function," I think that Thembsia and I agree that at core a working mother has to create a life that responds to her priorities as a woman, mother and working person. Her priorities are an expression of the working mother's personal values and principles.

In a nutshell, working mothers can't be everything to everybody in any given day, week, month or even year. In my Working Moms Balancing System (TM), I help working mothers to design lives that are based on what REALLY matters to them at this particular point in their lives. I encourage them to tap into or to create a support network as a way of gaining the assistance they need to implement their life design. I also encourage them to eliminate "should do" relationships and activities that neither bring them joy nor advance their value-based life priorities.

I personally like the word balance, but I'm very clear that it's meaning is flexible its true expression is different for each working mother.

To read Themsbia Mshaka's entire letter Women and Work in the Age of Obama

Work-At Home Moms and Time Management

2009-02-25T08:41:00.001-08:00

One of the perils of being a mother who works at home is the realization that the day is over and that you've done nothing. I don't mean nothing in the literal sense---you may have done the laundry, ran to the dry cleaner or even made some goulash for your child's International Day at school, but you haven't produced any actual work or done any tasks that will generate income. Those unproductive days can turn into weeks and then into months. From the stand point of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM) this type of passive procrastination affects a working mom's ability to live her best life and it negatively impacts her financial vision.

In some ways being on a 9-5 is easier. On a conventional job there is a routine or at least you're accountable to a boss or co-workers to get things done. The exact opposite is true when you are a solopreneur, you're not beholden to a set agenda nor are you accountable to peers or a boss---you're it. Working unsupervised puts more responsibility for results in the hands of the work at home mother. This is great if you are high organized and disciplined, it's a disaster if you are not.

By nature I am not the most disciplined person. I'm very good at organization when I have a set project and deadline, but I haven't always used my "down" time well. In the past I kind of floundered between projects and made some inconsistent attempts to drum up business. I did okay, but looking back I could have done better if I had had a work plan.

I enjoy the flexibility of working at home (a few weeks ago I had to pick my sick son up from school) but I came to realize that as a mother who works at home it was extremely important that I have a weekly work schedule. My schedule now includes days that I'm getting actual work done and at least one day where I'm working on tasks to create new business opportunities. I also learned to delegate and outsource more tasks so that my days are filled with goal-getting activities, not mindless errands.

As a work at home mother you have to find a scheduling method that works for you--meaning that it resonates with your temperament and your duties (professional and personal). I love Danielle LaPorte's blog, White Hot Truth and wanted to share her post, Entrepreneurial Time Management. It provides a good template for mothers who need to bring more structure to their work at home lives.

How To Make Decisions That Lead to a Better Life

2009-02-20T07:34:00.000-08:00

Your decisions create your life. Empowerment happens when you become aware of the importance of your day-to-day choices. This is not to say that external factors don’t matter or that the actions of other people are irrelevant. However in the end, you have to decide what you are going to do in each circumstance you find yourself in—your job, your relationships, your community. Those decisions and their outcomes are the basis of your current life. If we don’t like where we are in our lives, or want more or better we have to DECIDE to take a different path. Some people are scared of the idea that they alone are responsible for how their life is unfolding. Other people however feel liberated to realize that they can really improve their lives by making new decisions.

A lot of times we are afraid to make REAL decisions. We hem and haw or try to hedge our bets. We’re not 100% sure what the "right" choice is. There may be an opportunity waiting for us but we don’t act because we can’t immediately see it. In the midst of all our waffling we stay stuck in a situation that we have either outgrown or that is emotionally, physically or financially unhealthy for us. Motivational speaker Les Brown says, "Either you run your life or life will run over you." He’s not saying that life is hard but that you must decide the path of your life or deal with the consequences of "not deciding." By not deciding how you want to create your life you’re leaving it to other people and to outside forces to determine your future.

Let’s look at two co-workers in the same department of a company that has been going through financial difficulties for nearly a year. Jill decides she needs to get a new job at a more financially stable company. In the coming months she updates her skills and her resume and eventually lands a new position. Her co-worker, Jack constants debates leaving but is really unsure of his marketability. He justifies his inaction by saying that he doesn’t want to appear disloyal to his employer. Three months after Jill left the company files for bankruptcy and closes its doors. Jack’s very angry that now he has no job, no health insurance and no savings. In the same circumstance, Jill made a decision about her life and reaped the benefits of her choice. Jack however failed to make a decision about his future and suffered the consequences of his choice.

The Latin origin of decide means "to cut off, to kill off." In short, making a decision is about cutting off other options...doing whatever it takes to achieve your goal. This means that REAL decisions are firm. If you have a plan a, b, c and a host of contingencies, you have not made a decision Real decisions are also made quickly...but NOT rashly. You carefully weigh the pros and cons and then you decide what you are going to do. You can make quick decisions when you crystal clear about what you want. In order to do that you have to align your values with your goals.

This key question to ask yourself is: What is in MY highest good? (not for my spouse, my children or friends) This may sound obvious, but when you’re struggling to make decisions, it may not BE obvious. To reconcile your values with your goals, you must define success for yourself. For you is success: making money?; having more free time to spend with your family?; having a more fulfilling life?; unleashing your passion, or something else? Once you identify what you TRULY care about you can more easily decide which activities/actions will get you closer to your goal and which will not.

This week think about a situation that is requiring you to make a decision NOW. Think about why you are avoiding making a decision. Consider what your life will look like in 6 months, a year or five year don’t decide to change course—if you continue to do nothing. Once you make a firm decision, you will open yourself up to new possibilities that will help you to create a new and exciting life move full of love, joy and prosperity.

First Lady Michelle Obama Tells Working Mothers That There Are No Right Answers

2009-02-15T11:58:00.000-08:00

First Lady Michelle Obama told a gathering at Howard University's School of Business today that working mothers must choose their own paths, balancing work with family. The event was billed as "Home, Work, Community: The Role of the African American Women As Change Agents."

"The one thing--the one message that I have is for all of you struggling with this issue is just remember there is no right answer. It took me a long time to figure that out. There is no one right way to do any of this. And the choices and the decisions will change, given your circumstances," she told an audience at a panel discussion at the school.

Mrs. Obama, who wore a red dress with a single strand or pearls, spoke briefly at the start of of the panel discussion, which included four business women and a student leader. Howard officials said Obama's staff had called Howard University, a historically Black university located in Washington, DC and asked whether the first lady could visit as part of her listening tour in her new community of Washington.

Students and faculty members, who were required to have tickets, lined up from early morning to get inside the auditorium. They listened closely as the first lady spoke calmly, saying, "In your struggle to figure these things out as women, as professionals, that you have to do what's right for you at any given time, and that's going to change--from week to week, from month to month, from year to year."

She said it was important for women "to be true to yourselves, not to worry too much about what other people are going to think or make of your choices, because everyone will question what you do and tell you you should've done it the other way."

She said that she had dealt with the issue her whole life, "trying to figure out how to juggle work-family balance in the process of getting an education. There isn't a day that goes by, particularly after having kids, that I don't wonder or worry about whether I'm doing the right thing for myself, for my family, for my girls."

Mrs. Obama said priorities will change, as life changes, as people grow older, as they change jobs and their families grow.

"The person I was when I was in college is very different than the person that I am today. That person is very different than the person who was single.....I was different when I was married. I was different when I was married with kids. I was different when I was married with kids in certain types of jobs. And every step of the way, I wondered whether I was doing the righ thing."

To Watch the video of her presentation:

Working Mothers Stop Being Superwomen

2009-02-12T07:38:00.000-08:00

Many working mothers are frazzled trying to be "perfect." They are trying to be the "perfect mother," the "perfect partner" and the "perfect" employee. In the midst of trying to obtain this perfection they are losing themselves. Many working mothers are silently seething about the demands that they feel are being placed on them by their family and employer. Other working mothers are physically tired as they run around keeping manic schedules. They are also emotionally tired. For too long they have neglected their own wants and needs as they attempt to other people's expectations of who they should be.

I tell the working mothers in my personal coaching practice to prioritize their lives. This means identifying the things that REALLY matter in your life---what you value and getting rid of the "should do's." The "should do's" are activities that are draining and/or simply not adding to achievement of their important goals or personal fulfillment. For most working mothers this means scaling back or totally eliminating activities that don't bring them joy. I firmly believe that a working mother cannot design a happy, harmonious or abundant life until she takes off her Superwoman cape and asks for help.

Working Mother and Blogger Meredith O'Brien takes on this topic in her post, Martyr in the House that discusses the fictional doctor, Lisa Cuddy from the Fox television program "House." The single, driven doctor is transitioning to life as an adoptive mother and by her own accounts she's failing. A colleague tells her that rather than create unreasonable standards for herself as a working mother, she she act like a man and get some help. Sound advice....

To Read Meredith's post click here

Mothers: Save Your Marriage by Spending More Time with Your Spouse and Your Friends

2009-02-07T14:19:00.000-08:00

For quite a while, studies have shown that marital bliss hits a nosedive with the arrival of children. It seems that the flaw in these studies has been that they did not distinguish accidental parents from intentional parents. Nor did the studies seem to take into account whether the parents were in agreement on their family roles and parenting styles or not.

As reported in a recent New York Times op-ed,"Till Children Do Us Part" new study out of the University of California at Berkeley shows that with the arrival of children marital happiness can actually increase, particularly if the parents continue to spend time together renewing their relationship. Marital happiness is also aided by parents who are regularly engaged with friends and family members.

It seems that kids benefit most from happy parents---not unhappy ones who are stressed out and cranky because they trying to make it to third activity that Saturday afternoon.

Are You Blocking Your Blessings?

2009-02-06T07:54:00.000-08:00

Why does it seem that some people are luckier than others? The "lucky" folks seem to glide through life racking up enviable opportunities and wonderful relationships. These folks also seem adept at avoiding disasters, but if they hit a pitfall, they're able to quickly turn the situation around. These folks consistently have great jobs, invitations to interesting events, satisfying long-term partnerships and good health. This is in mark contrast to the "unlucky" masses who are always schlepping along feeling that they are a day late and a dollar when it comes to snagging life's big rewards.

Successful people are not usually more talented or educated, but they have a better attitude. Let's look at my hairstylist. Some may call her lucky. She told me that she wanted to do the hair of a high-profile socialite who had just moved to Washington, DC. Unbeknownst to my hairdresser, late one Friday night--just before closing the woman's assistant called the salon asking for an appointment. Although the assistant had never been to the salon before my hairstylist told her to come in. The two women chatted, the assistant discussed that she was going to a photo shoot for a national magazine the next day. Then to the surprise of my hairstylist the assistant revealed the name of her boss, Ms. High Profile Socialite. The assistant left the shop loving her new hairdo and was appreciative to my hairstylist for being so helpful. Without much prompting she said that she would pass on my hairstylist's contact information to Ms. High-Profile Socialite. At minimum my hairstylist gained a new client who will sing her praises, resulting in more business. She however may also hit the jackpot by getting Ms. High-Profile Socialite to also become a client--resulting in her own professional reputation being raised considerably.

So was my hairdresser lucky?

Maybe....

Or perhaps she did not allow her attitude to "block her blessings."

Performance consultant, Dr. Alan Zimmerman says "I've noticed that attitude makes a huge difference in determining a person's level of success in life. In fact, attitude seems to make a bigger difference than age, sex, race, education, circumstances or any other factor. Two people can have the same background and face the same situations, but experience very different outcomes. It's all about attitude

My hairstylist's great attitude may indeed help her get Ms. High-Profile socialite as a client. She could have flat-out declined the assistant's last minute request for appointment. Or should could have reluctantly honored the request, but then been sullen to the assistant. Or should could have done a crappy job on her hair. However my hairstylist is a consummate professional who believes in serving the client. When she got the request for a last minute appointment she was accommodating. When the new client arrived she was pleasant and engaging. Most important she delivered a fabulous hairstyle.

Thomas Edison, the inventor, said, "Most people don't recognize opportunity when it comes, because it's usually dressed in overalls and looks a lot like work." How many times have you said that you said that you wanted something: A better paying job, a more nurturing relationship or even a new apartment. You miss out because the opportunity that is presented to you just doesn't seem that appealing. You find out your dream job requires you to take a temporary pay-cut while you're in a training program. The nice guy that you're introduced to isn't a snazzy dresser. You've found an apartment that you can actually afford with all the amenities that you want---but it's across town away from where all your friends live.

Many of us say that we believe in principles such as: "The Power of Intention," "manifesting" or even the Biblical, "Ask and ye shall receive," and declare that we want major change to occur in our lives YET we don't want to re-vamp our attitude to make a way for the change. We keep getting stuck because we fail to realize that without a new attitude and accompanying new actions, we can only get more of the same, dead-end job, dysfunctional relationship or mediocre apartment. Through our unwillingness to explore the possibilities sent our way, we've told the Universe--I'm not REALLY ready to do what's necessary to improve my life.

So if you are serious about having a better job (making more money) and having better relationships it's time to change your attitude. Having a bad attitude is a contributing factor in why highly qualified people get fired. Bad attitudes are also cited as key reasons why relationships fail. Although most people believe that they have a good attitude, research shows that 85% of the people studied were actually pretty negative. How can you tell whether you have a good or bad attitude? Think about what your first reaction is to any given situation--is it negative and pessimistic or is it optimistic and hopeful? If your boss says she wants to see you are you expecting to be fired or to receive a bonus? If you boyfriend doesn't call for few days do you think he's cheating or just busy?

What I mean by attitude is your preconceived notions or expectations about a person or situation. Without much, if any, information or first hand experience are you quick to decide that a person, event or thing is not your cup of tea? Attitude also involves how you interact with people--generally are you pleasant, curt or totally indifferent? Are you only nice and interested in people whom you think can do something for you? Do you forgo small talk with strangers because you don't see the point because you'll never see them again?

Attitude is a choice that you make everyday. The same way that you choice to have a bad attitude you can choose to have a good one. Now having a good attitude doesn't mean sticking your head in the sand and disregarding bad news or your internal warning bells. It does mean approaching life from the standpoint that the world is welcoming and endlessly abundant, NOT the world is hostile and everything is scarce. Whether you call it luck, good vibes or karma, pleasant people usually attract more opportunities than unpleasant people. It means truly believing that you can dramatically improve your income, quality of your relationships and your life NOW-----despite all the gloom and doom reports about the "bad" economy.

So how can you improve your attitude and your opportunities?

Survey Your Strengths: Many times our bad attitude stems from our own lack of self-love. We think that everyone around us is so much better than we are. However by taking time to identify your strengths, both large and small, you will get a better sense of how wonderful you actually are. This list will boost your morale on challenging days and it will give you confidence to take bold steps toward an improved life. Take 5 minutes or 5 days to think about all of the many things that you are good at and write them all down.

Affirm Yourself: We are our worst critics. The constant chatter in our heads that we are not enough--smart, educated, talented, young, pretty, thin, etc. places limits on what we believe that we should achieve in our lives. It's no mystery that people with low self-esteem often have less than satisfying lives. They don't believe that they deserve more and as a result they don't get life's rewards. Showing yourself self-love through affirmations may sound hokey, but if saying "I love and accept you" once a day to yourself can improve up your life why not try it. There are very few champions in any field who walk around saying, "I'm not so hot." On the contrary, many top athletes regular visualize themselves winning competitions. Boxer Muhammad Ali publicly declared himself, "The Greatest." It's not conceited to affirm to yourself that you are special and worthy--it's rejuvenating!

Broaden Your Perspective: Be open to learning new things and meeting new people. Improving your life requires that you expand your concept of who you are and who you can achieve. Surrounding yourself with new ideas and new perspectives helps you to explore and identify new opportunities for yourself. Get out of your comfort zone by trying something new. Even small changes like driving a different route to and from work or shopping at a different market may provide you with some new experiences or information. Also be open to the possibility that seemingly "bad" situations usually are opportunities for growth that lead to rewards.

Build Your Network: Stay connected to people you know and get to know new people. Be pleasant and genuinely interested in the people you encounter. Start small by just smiling at people on the street or saying hello to someone in your neighborhood or in your office. Also you never know you'll meet at the airport or even at the playground--idle chitchat can sometimes net you big contacts and big opportunities. Interacting with people in a kind manner or at least acknowledging their existence costs you very little each day. It's important to keep in mind that you never know where assistance may come from. People help people---by passing on information, tips or resumes whom they know, like and trust.

This week consider how your attitude may be blocking your blessings. Bad attitudes are frequently covering up fears and insecurities. Once you ditch your bad attitude, you will be ready to create a new and exciting life move full of love, joy and prosperity.

If a bad attitude is helping you maintain a mediocre status quo then subscribe to my FREE ezine Empowerment Zone to get you unstuck and on the road to experiencing a happier, more harmonious and abundant life. You will receive it when to request a copy of my FREE report, "How to Create a Happy, Harmonious and Abundant Life."

Working Moms Can Win a $10,000 Scholarship

2009-02-04T08:00:00.001-08:00

(ARA) - With a full-time job (or several part-time jobs) and children to raise, working mothers often have very little time to pursue an education. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, more than 80 percent of single working moms lack the education they need to get ahead.

The latest government figures confirm that only 16 percent of single working mothers have a bachelor's degree or higher and only 22 percent earn more than $30,000 a year. But going back to school is worth it according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. Earning an associate's degree can add an extra $6,500 per year of income into your pocket and a bachelor's degree can add up to $19,000 every year to your paycheck.

But working mothers wanting to pursue a degree often find a financial aid system designed for full-time students living on campus.

This fall, however, working moms can get back to school with a free $10,000 scholarship. Scholarships4Moms.net is helping working mothers across the country go back to school, advance their education and get ahead in their careers. All U.S. residents over the age of 18 are eligible to win a $10,000 scholarship, but the application deadline is February 20th, so act now!

Working mothers can use the scholarship award to cover childcare expenses while they attend school, pay for classes online or to save for their children's education.

Sharonne Hillman of Paducah, Ky., is a single parent with 4 children. She won a $10,000 scholarship this summer. "I will be able to buy a better laptop to do my homework, and I can pay off some of my school loans. Not to mention, once I graduate I will get a promotion at work," she says.

Working moms Click Here for your chance to win a $10,000 scholarship to continue your education. Get started with the next phase of your life today.

Copyright © 2008, ARAnet, Inc.

The Nation's Mom-in-Chief Crafts Policy Agenda

2009-02-03T08:49:00.000-08:00

As she prepares to step out beyond her role as the self-described “mom in chief,” Michelle Obama has been busy behind the scenes crafting a policy-driven agenda that will bring working-family issues into the White House — and she’s surrounded herself with a team of veteran political insiders and seasoned policy advocates to do it.

Aides are quick to say the first lady isn’t planning on having an independent policy power center in the East Wing. “Our job is to think through with the president and with the president’s team and assist in dialogue about policy. But the president is the policymaker,” said chief of staff Jackie Norris. In other words, it isn’t likely that Michelle Obama will be on the phone introducing herself to lawmakers on Capitol Hill, like Hillary Clinton did as first lady. At least not yet.

For the rest of the story Click Here

"Happiness and Prosperity Come from Overcoming Fear"

2009-01-24T11:56:00.000-08:00

Although I'm not totally unplugged from what's going on in the world, I now function with much less information. You see, I've made a conscious choice this past summer to stop watching cable talk shows and reading several weekly magazines. I have to admit that I was an information junkie and could sit for hours as pundits and commentators argued back and forth. I got to a point when I just didn’t like what all of this "information" was doing to my mindset. Rather than helping me to make decisions that could improve my life and that of my family, all the bad news made me nervous and fearful. When I focused so much on bad news it tended to affect everything else in my life. I’m still an informed person, but I now focus on news that not only informs but also inspires me.

Remember, that media companies are only interested in one thing---money in the form of advertising dollars. The more people who watch their news programs or read their publications, the more they charge their advertisers. Competition is fierce, so media companies will do almost anything to get your attention. It used to be "If it bleeds, it leads." Now it appears that fear—about the economy, the war, terrorists or contagious diseases has become the best way to keep people coming back for more since they are "fearful" of missing something important.

You see there's a lot of hype out there, and it's all plugging in to the "collective fear." When you're fearful, you cannot be happy, much less prosperous—regardless of your income. Why? Because abundance starts in your mind. When you are in fear-mode, you are acting from a place of scarcity—"I don’t have enough," or "I might lose the little that I have." You’re white knuckling everyday "just trying to make it," instead of using your considerable talents and energies to thrive. Fear based thinking will not allow you to see or create opportunities for yourself that will result in MORE of everything—TIME, LOVE or MONEY.

This has been a year of enormous growth for me. The motherhood anthology that I edited is being published in a few months and with any new book, you are always concerned about how the public will receive it. I've also spent a a chunk of change to upgrade my business so that I could better serve the women who come to me. I did have some reservations about spending the money, but then I remembered an an old saying, "Scared money, don't make money." After unpacking my fears I realized that the more help and value that I can provide the more that I will be rewarded financially and spiritually. The only way to start that process was to write some checks.

Listen, I get that fear is a major emotion. It's easy to get sucked in. I know a few people right now who are gripped with fear. They're holding their money so tight that they’ve even stopped buying a cup of coffee at Starbucks. They are absolutely miserable. And you know what? They are focusing on the cost of a latte instead of the important steps that they should be taking to improve their lives and finances in this new economy.

Webster's New World Dictionary defines fear as: anxiety, caused by real or possible danger. There are times when fear serves a real purpose like helping us to avoid physical harm or danger. We should be fearful of a hot stove or an out of control car. However the fear that stop us from living our best lives is detrimental. Maybe a better definition of fear is: False Expectations Appearing Real.

Here’s the problem: false expectations and perceived danger. We tend to experience fear in our lives when we take risks and step out of comfort zone into unfamiliar territory. Fear actually can help us to grow, if we see it as an opportunity to expand our lives by building more confidence, trust and faith in ourselves, decisions and abilities.

Playing it safe will net you more of the same mediocre results. To have a larger, more fulfilling and more abundant life, you have to realize the value of fear and make it your friend. Some of us afraid to do anything new. We hold on to relationships that no longer serve us, stay in low-paying, unfulfilling jobs and refuse to interact with people different than ourselves. When your fear isn’t signaling REAL danger it means you are experiencing a chance to grow.

When you get scared and fear shows up, here are some questions that you can ask yourself that will help you determine whether your fear is real or imagined.

- "Can this perceived danger cause me harm?"
- "What is worst thing that could happen to me?"
- "Is there something I can do to protect myself?"
- "Will I be able to handle whatever comes up?" The answer for me is always YES.

More often than not, once we unpack our fears we realize that our doom scenario is either manageable or a just big fat figment of our imaginations.

I’ve found that I can get out of fear by focusing on what's going well. Be in gratitude for what you DO have. Start making a list of even the smallest things—having a warm winter coat, a roof over your head, food on your table, your full mental capacities, your eyesight (even if you wear glasses). Add your family and/or good friends. If you have a working car or the money to get on a public transformation bus or train, be grateful for that. Fear frequently focuses on what we think we lack. Of course what we lack, whether it’s money, education, connections, good looks, etc. is exactly what we THINK we need to have a better life. Even if your current circumstances are modest, by focusing on what you "have" you'll come to understand that you already possess many of things you need to improve your life—emotionally, spiritually and financially.

This week consider where fear might be keeping you stuck in your life. Once you conquer your inner fear, you will be ready to create a new and exciting life move full of love, joy and prosperity.

If fear is keeping you stuck and unfulfilled then check out my VIP Coaching Day (see below) to get you unstuck and on the road to experiencing a happier, more harmonious and abundant life.

© 2009 Full Disclosure, LLC. All rights reserved.
Want to use this article on your website or your own ezine? No problem! But here's what you MUST include: Yvonne Bynoe, The Working Moms Mentor, is creator of the Working Moms Balancing System(™), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life---one that is happier, more harmonious and more prosperous. To receive your FREE weekly life strategies that can transform your life immediately, sign up for Empowerment Zone w/Yvonne Bynoe, visit http://www.workingmomsmentor.com.

Becoming Successful By Overcoming Fear- Part 1

2008-10-28T09:48:00.000-07:00

People are scared. Across the country folks are losing their homes—and even if you can keep your house it’s worth much less than it was several years ago. Jobs with liveable wages and benefits are rapidly disappearing. With the crashing and burning happening on Wall Street the value of many people’s retirement accounts has plummeted. Last, but certainly not least, affordable health insurance evades more and more Americans. It’s easy to be sucked into the collective fear that is spreading around the country. The collective fear leads many people to just want to survive the storm. They duck their heads down and pray fo the best. Other people however are deciding that it’s time to take control of their lives and their finances. They are ready to thrive. In Chinese the symbol for crisis is the same as opportunity. It’s therefore not surprising that even in the middle of this financial chaos there are people still making money and living large—and that’s been the case throughout history.

So What REALLY separates the successful from the rest of us? I have identified 5 traits that I will discuss in the coming days:

#1. They have a prosperity mind-set. Successful people refuse to focus on their fears. They are really determined that they are going to get theirs—no matter what. This means that they don’t spend a lot of time thinking that they can’t make it because they’re female, a member of a minority group, too old, female, not qualified, undereducated, too fat, don’t live in NY or LA or too unattractive. There’s a big difference between saying that you want to be wealthy and actually believing that you can be. The success stories are made of up people who truly believed that they deserved the best that life had to offer. These folks also got off their rears and took concrete steps toward their goals. Anyone whose ever seen a successful person up close knows that although they may play hard—they also work VERY hard. These people are constantly in meetings, discussing deals and investigating new opportunities. Successful people also surround themselves with knowledgeable advisers who can help them to improve their game and fulfil their vision.. Succcessful people know that they are exactly where they are supposed to be—it’s not a fluke or an accident.

Action Step: List you top 5 reasons why you can’t get ahead. Read your list and determine why each one is a really just an excuse. For instance, if you say that don’t have enough education; you can go back to school, even if its only one class at a time.

Working Moms Mentor Scholarship Program

2008-10-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

So what is Personal Coaching?

It’s a collaborative partnership that enables you to gain fresh perspective for achieving both short-term and long-term goals. Coaching is about change.

At core personal coaching is the relationship between coach and client, and the dialogue for change that they create. Through meaningful coaching communication you will be able to find answers and take the necessary actions that lead to reaching your goals for change.

Coaching focuses on what you want. People seek out life coaches because they want to reach an important goal, or want to create something new. As your coach, I am here to remind you of what it is you are committed to creating and help you to take the necessary actions to achieve it. I am also there to provide the trusting support that develops in a coaching relationship.

Are You Thinking That Personal Coaching Isn’t for Women Like You?

If so, you should be asking your self, “why not me?” Is self-improvement only for “other women?” Don’t YOU deserve to live your best life? Maybe thinking that you don’t have enough time, money or focus is exacting what’s holding you back. Ask yourself how much time have you spent on activities and people that haven’t improved your life. Also ask yourself, how much money have you spent on things that only made you feel better only until the bill arrived. You put your focus, in the form of money and time on things that you care about. If you care about improving your quality of life and in turn your children’s you’ll realize that you are probably the perfect candidate to make the investment in personal coaching. If you’re willing to invest in a life that is more happy, harmonious and abundant, contact me at info@workingmomsmentor.com to find out about the various coaching programs for working moms.

No More Excuses–Win 3 Months of Personal Coaching For FREE!—a value of $1,800.00. Three Deserving Working Mothers Will Be Selected

To say that money isn’t an issue, even for things that we know that we need to do is nuts. Throughout my career I have always been committed to providing information to anyone who truly wants it--- so I am providing three coaching scholarships. I will personally coach three working mothers for a period of 3 months absolutely FREE.

You just need to be committed to your dream and willing to work for it. APPLY TODAY.

===============================
WORKING MOMS MENTOR SCHOLARSHIP PROGRAM

Rules and Eligibility

This program will provide three (3) Working Mothers with three months of individual coaching for FREE. The value of these services is $1,800 per working mother. The recipients of the scholarship will be chosen by WorkingMomsMentor.com founder, Yvonne Bynoe. All applicants must reside in the United States and be at least 21 years old. Applicants must be mothers who are currently employed full or part time, in a job that is home-based or outside the home.

Recipients must agree fully commit to the full 3 month coaching program, which includes making all scheduled weekly calls and completing all assignments. Upon acceptance into the program, scholarship recipients also agree to provide a digital photo and a written statement about their coaching experience to WorkingMomsMentor.com to be used for promotional purposes.

Application deadline: December 15, 2008
Email Application to: info@workingmomsmentor.com
NO TELEPHONE CALLS PLEASE

Winners will be notified by: December 31, 2008
Scholarship Coaching Program will begin: January 6, 2009
==================================
APPLICATION
==================================
Part 1. BASIC INFORMATION
==================================
Where Did You Hear About The Scholarship?:

Name:

Age:

Number of Children:

Ages of Children:

Marital Status: Divorced, Married, Single, Widowed

Occupation and annual income:

Address:

City, State, Zipcode

Home telephone number and Cell Number

Email Address:

================================
Part 2: TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF:
(Complete each question in 150 words or less)

1. Why do you want to participate in the Working Moms Mentor coaching program?

2. What goals would you like to achieve in your life that have been eluding you?

3. What external obstacles are in your life that you believe are stopping you from living a better life?

4. What are some of your strengths and what are some of your weaknesses?

5. What are you willing to do you live a more fulfilling and abundant life?

Romance and Emotional Abundance

2008-10-12T13:47:00.000-07:00

Romantic relationships...they are part of the sweetness that makes our life wonderful. In many instances our lives have been enhanced by the people whom we've chosen to share our lives and selves with. For most of us, however there are also a few relationships that torn at our self-esteem and our sanity.

It seems trite, but the difference between a relationship that is life affirming and one that is life sapping is us. When we are focused on ourselves, loving ourselves and focused on improving the quality of our lives, we attract people who can assist us on that journey. These are the people who provide us needed support, information and insight. However, when are desperately looking for someone else to love us or rescue us for our financial responsibilities, we are going to attract partners who simply highlight our neediness and our perceived unworthiness.

Every relationship is a mirror into ourselves. This means that if we don't like our partner, we should be looking at ourselves and not them to find the REAL source of the problem.

Another person cannot "complete" us. For us to be able to enter into healthy, loving and productive relationships we have to bring an already complete person to the party. The alternative is that you---a 1/2 of a person is constantly expecting and looking for someone else to compensate for the shortfalls in your life. Essentially, you are giving the power of your life and its direction over to someone else.

Turning the table on yourself allows you to "fix" yourself and get clear about what you want from a partner that aligns with your values--- rather than continuing to choose partners whom you hope will make all of your problems disappear.

Exercise:
What do you dislike about your current (or former partner)....write them down. Now look at that list and decide if you share any of the disliked qualities. Maybe you aren't as truthful or reliable as you a would like to think. Perhaps you've signaled an ambivalence about commitment.

Accepting What Is

2008-09-25T12:41:00.000-07:00

How often do we lie to ourselves?

We say that we can afford that new outfit, despite being close to our credit card limit. We squeeze our feet into shoes that are too small, rather than admit to our actual size. We say that our relationship is great, despite the warning bells and red flags that keep popping up.

Unfortunately when we lie to ourselves we simply exascerbate the problem. Not being honest with ourselves can easily result in more debt, foot problems and being stuck in an bad relationship. The more crap that we pile up in our life is simply more stuff that we have to dug out from under later.

The first step to improving your life is "accepting what is". "Accepting what is" no more than being truthful about your current reality. It's an acknowledgement that you are going to stop lying to yourself. Most important, "accepting what is" becomes the foundation creating the life that you want. Accepting what is provides you with the tools to map out a path to a happier and more abundant future.

Exercise:
Think about places where you aren't being truthful:
-finances
-relationships
-career
-weight
and think about how you could take steps to improve that situation if you were willing to accept what is.

Lessons from Richard II

2008-09-17T06:49:00.000-07:00

I've been off the radar for a while. I had a fabulous vacation in Sag Harbor with my family as well as old and new friends. It gave me a much needed chance to unwind and reflect. I am truly grateful that I had the ability to kick back and just eat, drink and think for a week. However almost immediately upon my return home I participated in the annual back to school world wind. I am glad to say that my son is happy and adjusted at his preschool so I can now get my and routine back on track.

For the last few days I have been thinking about Shakespeare's play Richard III. Al Pacino did a documentary in 1996 about the play itself and his production of it--he played Richard III. In extreme brief, Richard III killed and betrayed family members in his quest to be King of England. Essentially Richard III lost his humanity as he advanced his ambitions. Furthermore, one he became king he grew ever more paranoid that he would be de-throned.

The play Richard III lend me to wonder about real people--- how we allow our desires for status, money, material goods, sex to diminish our own humanity. Ultimately, living a happy and abundant life is about seeking experiences and even things that add to our human-ness, not detracts from it. Moreover in the pursuit of these desires we should be guided by love of self and others, rather than by fear or envy.

So today's exercise:
Determine whether or not your the pursuit of a particular desire is actually making you less loving and more fearful?

Running for Your Life or Running Your Life?

2008-08-22T18:22:00.001-07:00

I am going vacation with my family to Sag Harbor, New York. My family rented a house with a dear friend and her family. There's no agenda for the week aside from decompressing and spending some quality time together. This is my son's first time at the beach...so aided by his father he can try out some of the things that he learned in swim class. As for me, I've got some books, some magazines and some lounging time calling my name.

I am a firm believer in vacations and the power of doing nothing. For me it's not about laziness, but I need time to re-charge my mind and my body. Moreover, like most people people I am more relaxed when I am on vacation. This altered state of mind, coupled with a different locale very often unblocks my creative juices. I got the idea for the motherhood anthology, Who's Your Mama: The Unsung Voices of Women and Mothers (Softskull Press/Counterpoint, 2009) while I was on vacation in San Miguel, Mexico.

Many of us are running ourselves ragged because we are scared. We are attempting to be prove our worth---to be indispensible because we are afraid simply being ourselves isn't going to cut it. We may be afraid that we'll loss our jobs if we take some time off, or we may be afraid that someone will not like us if we say no to a burdensome favor. But how do we change our actions if we choose not to sacrifice our mental and physical well-being to our fears?

What is the pay-off if you work 100 hours a week and still lose your job or you run every community event and you still are never invited to be part of the "in crowd?" How does your life change when you say that you are good enough and then move toward finding your bliss rather than running away from pain? You may still work 100 hours a week, but you'd love every minute of it-- Or you may decide that a job that requires that type of commitment is not aligned with your life's desires.

So this week, think about how you re-connect with your spirit. Are running at a breakneck pace because you are afraid to stop, or because you are having too much fun sampling all of the world's treasures?

Letting Go

2008-08-19T07:10:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite blogs is Carrie and Danielle. They are Canadian style mavens who each day provide a thought-provoking quote or question.

Today they asked, "What do you need to let go?" They started the dialogue with the following statement:

Letting go is an art form that can make the difference between ugliness or beauty, turmoil or grace. Whether it’s stuff in your home, thoughts in your head, or connections to people and places, with practice, you can live in a way in which letting go is second nature - and presence takes first place. The beauty with learning to let go is that releasing the little things (small grievances, bits of clutter) can make for big changes.

Essentially if you are moving forward in our lives, you are in some regular process of letting go. You may need to let go of a relationship that is not nurturing your true self. You may need to let go of a job that is not supporting your talents and interests. You may need to let go of ideas about yourself and who you should be to experience peace, happiness and abundance. You may need to let go of material items that no longer serve you and that are blocking your ability to receive new things.

Letting go is difficult because we rarely know when or if a replacement is coming. The choice is to hold onto the old, familiar out of fear and stagnant in your current existence or to trust that by releasing what no longer feeds your soul you are inviting that which will make your life more enjoyable.

Exercise:
Think about what you need to let go of in your life...and do it!

Mid-Day Energy Boost---Meditation

2008-08-15T16:20:00.000-07:00

It's around three o'clock and your to-do list for the day is still a foot long. Your first thought is to get another cup of coffee or maybe something sugary to keep you going. Your stamina and your waist line would however benefit from some mid-day meditation. This not about chanting, but merely taking a few moments to clear your mind. Meditiation is usually thought of as a relaxation activity, but it can also give you a well needed boost of energy and can help to reinvigorate your brain. A few minutes of meditation can keep you going the rest of the day.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Clear a Space. Try to get rid of all of the clutter that is on your desk or in your immediate proxity. This helps to bring order and calm to your environment.

2. Turn off the electronics: Log off of your computer and turn your PDA as well as the ringer off on your telephone. This action limits detractions.

3. Close your eyes and breathe. Sitting straight in a chair, take long, deep inhalations followed by even longer exhalations. Continue throughout the exercie.

4. Check your body. Are you tense anywhere? Concentrate on relaxing that area.

5. Do this for 5-10 minutes. How are you feeling? If you are still feeling sluggish or unfocused continue the meditation for a minute or two more.

Stop Being Your Worse Enemy

2008-08-08T14:44:00.000-07:00

I found a wonderful article about self-sabotage. Very often we say that we WANT to improve our lives, or live in a particular manner, but will act in a manner totally contrary to our stated intentions.

To get some more perspective is an excerpt from Debby Ford's articles, Why Good People Do Bad Things:

Our headlines are filled with stories of good people gone astray. They show up on the evening news, on the front page of newspapers, and splashed across the weekly tabloids: the TV evangelist who gets arrested for soliciting prostitutes; the schoolteacher who carries on an affair with one of her students; or the baseball star who gambles on his own games. These public downfalls have become our national obsession, but much more common acts of self-destruction and sabotage are taking place right now in our own backyards. The successful doctor who gambles his kids' college tuition away; the public official who takes a bribe; the PTA mom who is carrying on an affair with her best friend's husband; the husband whose neglect and procrastination ends up costing him his marriage…. These are people whom most of us would consider to be "good people," not common criminals, psychopaths, or sociopaths whose histories might predict their unscrupulous behavior. These are people like you and me, people who started out with high hopes and big dreams for their futures. But despite their good intentions, these so-called good people did some very bad things, most often without even understanding why.

Despite how they may appear, incidents like these are not a coincidence and they don't come from "out of the blue." Acts of self-sabotage are predictable. They arise from the repression of what I call our "dark side," the parts of ourselves and our lives that we find too inconvenient to admit; too embarrassing to accept. Regardless of how intently we try to hide, deny, or suppress them, every aspect of ourselves that we've deemed unacceptable or wrong will eventually make itself known - sometimes when we least expect it. When we are busy building a business, creating a family, or working hard to achieve some long-desired goal, these rejected or unwanted aspects of ourselves can pop up and destroy our lives, our reputations, and all of our hard work. This is what I call the Beach Ball Effect.
To Read more

Also be sure to download Debby's FREE Self-Assessment. The link is at the end of the article.

Are You Stuck?

2008-08-08T08:37:00.000-07:00

Frequently working mothers hit a point in their lives where they feel stuck. They are still clinging to the past, without a clear idea about how to move into the present. I'm having an "identity crisis" is a more sophisticated way of saying that I'm "stuck." However you decide to phrase it, being "stuck" is maintaining an idea of who you are, even though your present circumstances make that concept obsolete. Among the life changes that alter our lives are: marriage, motherhood, death, divorce and job loss. In order to become "un-stuck," and move on to the next phase of your life you first have to give yourself permission to explore new ideas about who you are.

Oprah. BFF, Maria Shiver has written a little book that may be help working moms to become un-stuck. The book, Just Who Will You Be? challenges reader to ask themselves "What do I believe" and "Who do I want to be" rather than "What do I want to be." The major distinction is that "Who do I want to be" speaks to your essence as a human being, whereas "What do I want to be," is nothing more than another title---like a job description.

One of the wisest passages is as follows:

"You can spend the rest of your life trying to measure up, trying to figure out and fulfill other people's expectations of you--or right now, you can make a decision to let it all go. And you can start by talking about what you know, what you feel and what you think. You can start by talking about who you want to be!"

The main idea of this book is that it's never too late to become the person that you want. Whether you are 20, 30, 40, 50+ years old, you can STILL decide to change the direction of your life.

Exercise:
Where in your life are you stuck? If this is the hour of your life, as Maria Shriver asked:
-How do you want to spend it?
-What do you want to do with it?
-What is the truth about yourself that you need to speak

What Are You Listening to Today?

2008-08-05T06:15:00.000-07:00

Music is the easiest and cheapest way to improve your mood. Music can inspire us, it can energize us and it can help us to remember a past event or feeling. Music can also help us to awaken our most authentic self.

In the privacy of our homes or cars, we can use music to connect to our spirit...some days that spirit may need some rock music with some fiery guitar licks, or some hardcore rap music. On other days you may need some lighter such as some cool jazz. There's also that sexy side of you that music can help to come to the surface. Then there are days where you need some spiritual songs...songs from the secular or religious world that speak to help you understand or overcome challenges. Regardless of what you need on a given day, the Universe can speak to you through music. You can also use it blow off some steam and just have fun.

In heavy rotation in my car stereo is Jill Scott's Golden from her album, Beautifully Human: Words and Sounds Vol.2

Exercise:
What's playing on car stero or in your IPOD? Find a CD that you can play that will make you enjoy yourself. If you can't find one, make your own CD using your computer.

Stepping Into Your Destiny

2008-08-04T15:36:00.000-07:00

Everyone has a destiny, a life path that she should follow. Unfortunately too often we get carried away with the obligations that satisfy the needs of others. When it comes to other people women are fixated on being "good," doing the "right" thing but readily mistreat themselves. How many tired, neglected working mothers have we seen on beauty make-over shows. These women are so busy tending to everyone else that they have not realized that it has been years since they thought about their own needs. In the interim they've gained weight, not taken care of their appearance, in some instances even failed to see a physician or a dentist. How can a woman who is has placed herself last---thus assigning her life no value be a good mother, a good partner or a good employee? Who will care about a woman who doesn't care about herself? Here's a link Beauty on a Budget to some budget-friendly suggestions to maintaining your looks

Learning to put yourself first may be the most important step to finding peace and balance in your life as a working mother. Our responsibilities may seem legitimate since they are often associated with our children, partners, bosses, church, community. But are these activities "supposed to" items that we do because they're expected to do them or because they are or what "good" women (or women in my network do) or are they activities that bring us true joy and self-fulfillment? Our goal should be to fill our lives with life affirming activities and people. In doing so we need to develop exit strategies from the obligations and people that don't bring us joy or an added sense of personal worth.

Our instincts always tell us what the next step on our path ought to be. However we frequently override our internal compass with a host of excuses based on external demands for us to act a certain way. Letting go of the obligations that weigh us down is not necessarily easy because fear guides many of our actions. By releasing life-draining activities, you are allowing yourself to be guided by Universe/Divine Spirit/God and thus you immediately set yourself on the path to living a happy, abundant and harmonious life.

Exercise:
Look at your personal and work schedules for the rest of the week or month.

1) On one list write out the activities that you love and in another list, the ones you find draining and stressful.

2) Brainstorm about ways to eliminate the joy-killing activities.
Maybe you can give notice that you plan to resign from a committee/activity in several months---this gives the group time to find your replacement. Perhaps another family member can be assigned to tackle an item. Can you afford to pay someone to do the task? In terms of work, if you are unhappy maybe it's time to have a conference with your boss to see how you can re-tool your job description or duties. If that's not possible, and your job is stressing you out, it's time to begin the process of looking for another job or investigating how you could create your dream job through entrepreneurship.