One day, out of the blue your husband says, "I don't love you anymore. I'm not sure that I ever did." In your opinion your twenty year marriage is happy and solid as a rock. What do you do? Do you cry and hurl obscenities at him? Do you calmly discuss going to a marriage counselor? Do you get on you knees (perhaps literally) and beg him to stay?
When this scenario happened to writer Laura A. Munson she took an entirely different route. She chose to ignore her husband's outburst. Rather than accept the notion that something was wrong with her or what she had become, she realized that it was he who needed to face his demons and get his life straight. In her essay, "Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear" she says, "I'd committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I'd committed to "The End of Suffering." I'd finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were outside my control. I'd seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.
Essentially Munson's unique tactic---giving him emotional "space" forced her husband to examine is own life and the issues surrounding his recent professional failures. She and their children went about their lives, he was welcome to join them, but if he didn't the activities went on. There was no arguing or screaming---nothing that he could use to distract himself from addressing his midlife crisis. Munson had given her husband an internal deadline of 6 months to get it together. Slowly, but surely he resolved his issues and took steps to rejoin his marriage and his family.
How would some of your relationships be different if you accepted the idea that YOU alone are responsible for your happiness. What would it feel like to you if you realized that you can't "fix" your partner's problems (or character flaws). When you hit rough patches in your relationship, rather than pushing or cajoling your partner to "see it your way" (so that you don't lose them) could you imagine letting them "just be" for a period of time? Even if that meant eventually letting them go, permanently. The same goes for your job or even your home. Could you be happy if those things no longer existed, no longer defined you. You hold on tightly to something when you're fearful that it will escape your grasp. When you're certain that you could indeed be happy without the thing or the person, you relax your grip.
To read the entire essay, Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear
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No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com
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