Friday, August 28, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
How to Weather Life's Storms--Like Marriage & Relationships
One day, out of the blue your husband says, "I don't love you anymore. I'm not sure that I ever did." In your opinion your twenty year marriage is happy and solid as a rock. What do you do? Do you cry and hurl obscenities at him? Do you calmly discuss going to a marriage counselor? Do you get on you knees (perhaps literally) and beg him to stay?
When this scenario happened to writer Laura A. Munson she took an entirely different route. She chose to ignore her husband's outburst. Rather than accept the notion that something was wrong with her or what she had become, she realized that it was he who needed to face his demons and get his life straight. In her essay, "Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear" she says, "I'd committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I'd committed to "The End of Suffering." I'd finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were outside my control. I'd seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.
Essentially Munson's unique tactic---giving him emotional "space" forced her husband to examine is own life and the issues surrounding his recent professional failures. She and their children went about their lives, he was welcome to join them, but if he didn't the activities went on. There was no arguing or screaming---nothing that he could use to distract himself from addressing his midlife crisis. Munson had given her husband an internal deadline of 6 months to get it together. Slowly, but surely he resolved his issues and took steps to rejoin his marriage and his family.
How would some of your relationships be different if you accepted the idea that YOU alone are responsible for your happiness. What would it feel like to you if you realized that you can't "fix" your partner's problems (or character flaws). When you hit rough patches in your relationship, rather than pushing or cajoling your partner to "see it your way" (so that you don't lose them) could you imagine letting them "just be" for a period of time? Even if that meant eventually letting them go, permanently. The same goes for your job or even your home. Could you be happy if those things no longer existed, no longer defined you. You hold on tightly to something when you're fearful that it will escape your grasp. When you're certain that you could indeed be happy without the thing or the person, you relax your grip.
To read the entire essay, Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear
Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com
When this scenario happened to writer Laura A. Munson she took an entirely different route. She chose to ignore her husband's outburst. Rather than accept the notion that something was wrong with her or what she had become, she realized that it was he who needed to face his demons and get his life straight. In her essay, "Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear" she says, "I'd committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I'd committed to "The End of Suffering." I'd finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were outside my control. I'd seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.
Essentially Munson's unique tactic---giving him emotional "space" forced her husband to examine is own life and the issues surrounding his recent professional failures. She and their children went about their lives, he was welcome to join them, but if he didn't the activities went on. There was no arguing or screaming---nothing that he could use to distract himself from addressing his midlife crisis. Munson had given her husband an internal deadline of 6 months to get it together. Slowly, but surely he resolved his issues and took steps to rejoin his marriage and his family.
How would some of your relationships be different if you accepted the idea that YOU alone are responsible for your happiness. What would it feel like to you if you realized that you can't "fix" your partner's problems (or character flaws). When you hit rough patches in your relationship, rather than pushing or cajoling your partner to "see it your way" (so that you don't lose them) could you imagine letting them "just be" for a period of time? Even if that meant eventually letting them go, permanently. The same goes for your job or even your home. Could you be happy if those things no longer existed, no longer defined you. You hold on tightly to something when you're fearful that it will escape your grasp. When you're certain that you could indeed be happy without the thing or the person, you relax your grip.
To read the entire essay, Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear
Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com
Friday, July 31, 2009
Life Lessons from Jon and Kate Plus 8 (and a Date?)
What lessons can the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8 teach you about your own life? Your initial reaction is probably... nothing. But remember that by allowing themselves to be on television within a few years this small town Pennsylvania family became national celebrities. Jon and Kate were also paid millions by TLC (TLC reportedly pays them $75K per episode) and product sponsors to be their flawed, argumentative selves. Kate has written a book and allegedly rakes in about $20K per speaking engagement. So even if you loathe reality shows or just Jon & Kate Plus 8 here is some food for thought.
When Opportunity Knocks--Open the door, but beware
Was being asked to be on a reality show a golden opportunity for the Gosselins, a couple with modest means and 8 children? OR Was it an exploitative situation that thrived on marital conflict? The answer is yes to both questions. There is always a downside to greater opportunity...it's that a larger bank account, bigger fame, or greater power allows you to manifest more of who you already are. So if you are a jerk who wins the lottery...your money will allow you to be an even bigger a-hole. However, if you are a grounded person who wins the lottery, it's doubtful that you'd suddenly dump your "poor" friends. Before the fame, Jon and Kate's marriage probably had serious fissures that were not being addressed; their reality show only highlighted their growing marital problems. Jon & Kate Plus 8 teach us that before you are REALLY ready to take on greater opportunity, you should develop the grace, self-knowledge, and common sense needed to handle the life that you already have.
Life is Always Changing...Roll with it
The Gosselin family's television career began with a 1 hour Discovery Health program called Surviving Sextuplets and Twins. The appeal of the clean cut family with 8 small children got them their own show. Jon & Kate Plus 8 became a ratings winner for TLC...that is until 32 year old Jon was seen in photos with a 23 year school teacher(and a few other women). It was also alleged that Kate had something going on with the head of security. The bottom line is that after 10 years of marriage Kate filed for divorce on June 22, 2009. Jon and Kate however decided that the reality show will go on. Starting August 3 the divorcing couple will be presented as co-parents. Each parent will take turns living in their PA mansion and caring for their eight children.(When they're not in PA, Jon's got a new pad in Manhattan and Kate's got new digs in Rockville,MD) There is also talk that Jon and Kate will be shown dating new people. Life is not static: we change and so do our circumstances. The course of Jon and Kate's professional and personal lives teaches us that we must be adaptable to new realities. . In the words of Bruce Lee, "Don't get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water."
Let the Critics Be Damned
Some critics have accused Kate of being domineering. Others have said that she berated Jon and emasculated him. The tabloids have portrayed Jon as a balding wannabee Lothario. Various family members and former employees have accused Jon and Kate (but particularly Kate) of exploiting their children. Even famed attorney Gloria Allard has publicly weighed in on these charges. The majority of critics felt qualified to make judgments about Jon and Kate's lives and parenting based on watching a television program that has been edited. Despite the critics, Jon and Kate decided to continue the show because they have eight children who need to be housed, clothed, fed and educated. It's inevitable that someone is not going to like your lifestyle, your spouse/partner, your attitude or how you parenting. The opinions of naysayers however are irrelevant---you shouldn't run your life by committee. The lesson of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is to ignore the haters and to make the decisions that you deem best for your life and your family.
Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com
When Opportunity Knocks--Open the door, but beware
Was being asked to be on a reality show a golden opportunity for the Gosselins, a couple with modest means and 8 children? OR Was it an exploitative situation that thrived on marital conflict? The answer is yes to both questions. There is always a downside to greater opportunity...it's that a larger bank account, bigger fame, or greater power allows you to manifest more of who you already are. So if you are a jerk who wins the lottery...your money will allow you to be an even bigger a-hole. However, if you are a grounded person who wins the lottery, it's doubtful that you'd suddenly dump your "poor" friends. Before the fame, Jon and Kate's marriage probably had serious fissures that were not being addressed; their reality show only highlighted their growing marital problems. Jon & Kate Plus 8 teach us that before you are REALLY ready to take on greater opportunity, you should develop the grace, self-knowledge, and common sense needed to handle the life that you already have.
Life is Always Changing...Roll with it
The Gosselin family's television career began with a 1 hour Discovery Health program called Surviving Sextuplets and Twins. The appeal of the clean cut family with 8 small children got them their own show. Jon & Kate Plus 8 became a ratings winner for TLC...that is until 32 year old Jon was seen in photos with a 23 year school teacher(and a few other women). It was also alleged that Kate had something going on with the head of security. The bottom line is that after 10 years of marriage Kate filed for divorce on June 22, 2009. Jon and Kate however decided that the reality show will go on. Starting August 3 the divorcing couple will be presented as co-parents. Each parent will take turns living in their PA mansion and caring for their eight children.(When they're not in PA, Jon's got a new pad in Manhattan and Kate's got new digs in Rockville,MD) There is also talk that Jon and Kate will be shown dating new people. Life is not static: we change and so do our circumstances. The course of Jon and Kate's professional and personal lives teaches us that we must be adaptable to new realities. . In the words of Bruce Lee, "Don't get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water."
Let the Critics Be Damned
Some critics have accused Kate of being domineering. Others have said that she berated Jon and emasculated him. The tabloids have portrayed Jon as a balding wannabee Lothario. Various family members and former employees have accused Jon and Kate (but particularly Kate) of exploiting their children. Even famed attorney Gloria Allard has publicly weighed in on these charges. The majority of critics felt qualified to make judgments about Jon and Kate's lives and parenting based on watching a television program that has been edited. Despite the critics, Jon and Kate decided to continue the show because they have eight children who need to be housed, clothed, fed and educated. It's inevitable that someone is not going to like your lifestyle, your spouse/partner, your attitude or how you parenting. The opinions of naysayers however are irrelevant---you shouldn't run your life by committee. The lesson of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is to ignore the haters and to make the decisions that you deem best for your life and your family.
Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com
How To Ask for Flex Time at Work
Flex time, telecommuting, part-time work and job sharing are vehicles that allow working women to spend more time with their families while remaining professionally viable. The reality is that some jobs simply don't lend themselves to these employment arrangements, such as teachers, doctors and chefs. However for the vast majority of working women there's no GOOD reason given telephone, email, tele/video conferencing(other than tradition), why they need to be in the office 40-60 hours per week.
Asking for a flex time job arrangement has nothing to do with relegating yourself to the infamous "mommy track," There are companies that allow employees (male and female) to select from a menu of work options. There are part-time law partners who still handle major cases. There are also executives who work full time, but are only in the office about 30 hours a week. There are also companies, especially in the technology sector, that allow employees to work from wherever. So whether or not your company currently has a flex time policy is not necessarily important. However what is important is whether or not you can make a strong case to your immediate boss that you should be allowed to have a flexible schedule.
The book Womenomics by Claire Shipman (Good Morning America) and Katty Kay, (BBC) promotes the idea that because women are nearly one half of our national workforce, they have the power to demand more employment options. They insist that these changes would help working mothers to have more "work-life control" resulting in less stress and guilt in their struggle to balance family and work obligations. Moreover they believe that workplace changes will benefit all workers, not just parents.
According to Womenomics the number one reason working mothers don't get flex time arrangements is that they don't ask for it. Here are some of the tips that Shipman and Katy suggest for negotiating a more flexible work schedule.
1. Perform Well and Know It: Womenomics states that managers repeatedly said that they would do nearly anything to accommodate women who added value to the company. Whether you are considered an asset to the company---someone who they don't want to lose is determined by a number of factors: your annual appraisals; whether you are meeting sales targets; whether you are considered a thought-leader in your company; how much access to you have to higher ups and how easy it would be to replace you. If you are unsure of your value to your company, immediately schedule a candid talk with you boss about where you stand...and maybe to toot your own horn. If the news is positive you can then move forward with your plan to request a schedule change. However you may come away with ideas about how you can improve your actual performance and/or his or her perception of you and your contribution. At a later a date, after you have strengthened your position, you can then revisit this topic.
2. Know What You Are Asking For: Get clear about how you want your work schedule and life to change. Would you like to work a 4 day week instead of 5? Would you like to work a 4 hour day, instead of an 8+ hour day? Do want to come in or leave a hour or two earlier or later? Would you prefer to telecommute, working full time but coming to the office only one or two times per week? The distinctions are important because they impact your desired lifestyle change. For instance, taking a part-time position, means working less, the trade off is a cut in salary and benefits. Additionally, unless you take a demotion, you'll probably have the same workload. Similarly, while telecommuting allows you skip coming into the office you are still on-call during business hours. This means that you'll probably still need child care and it's doubtful that you'll be able to sneak off to a yoga class without your cell phone going off.
3. Be prepared to Reassure Your Boss on Every Level
Womenomics says that you should be ready to talk to your boss about why you want a schedule change. Shipman and Katy say that manager's main concern about flexible work schedules is productivity...or rather its decline once an employee is off-site. Regardless of the schedule that you are proposing, it's critical that you, in a detailed plan, clearly tell your boss how you plan to cover your work responsibilities, including project deadlines, client meetings, staff inquiries, telephone/email access, etc. On that note, it's necessary to assure your boss that you are equipped to work from home; this means describing your home office (computer, software, fax, copier, separate phone line, etc.) Tell your boss that your office is in a separate room, so that his or she doesn't imagine you doing major deals on the kitchen table while the plumber fixes the faucet. It also means being clear that your children will not be under foot during business hours. State that your children are in school, indicating the hours, and/or that you are have a relative, nanny or other child care provider to mind them while you are working.
4. Once You've Got Your Deal, Don't Take it For Granted: The point of this tip is to keep the communication open with your boss. It's a given that you need to continue to perform well on your job, however you also need to regularly take the pulse of your supervisors to make sure they are still on board. Be proactive in keeping in touch with your colleagues and higher-ups, letting them know that while you may not be in the office as much, you're still in the loop and therefore expect to be contacted whenever necessary. It is particularly important to initiate a dialogue with your boss if now you're being passed over for plum assignments, key decisions are being made without your or someone less qualified is promoted over you.
Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com
Asking for a flex time job arrangement has nothing to do with relegating yourself to the infamous "mommy track," There are companies that allow employees (male and female) to select from a menu of work options. There are part-time law partners who still handle major cases. There are also executives who work full time, but are only in the office about 30 hours a week. There are also companies, especially in the technology sector, that allow employees to work from wherever. So whether or not your company currently has a flex time policy is not necessarily important. However what is important is whether or not you can make a strong case to your immediate boss that you should be allowed to have a flexible schedule.
The book Womenomics by Claire Shipman (Good Morning America) and Katty Kay, (BBC) promotes the idea that because women are nearly one half of our national workforce, they have the power to demand more employment options. They insist that these changes would help working mothers to have more "work-life control" resulting in less stress and guilt in their struggle to balance family and work obligations. Moreover they believe that workplace changes will benefit all workers, not just parents.
According to Womenomics the number one reason working mothers don't get flex time arrangements is that they don't ask for it. Here are some of the tips that Shipman and Katy suggest for negotiating a more flexible work schedule.
1. Perform Well and Know It: Womenomics states that managers repeatedly said that they would do nearly anything to accommodate women who added value to the company. Whether you are considered an asset to the company---someone who they don't want to lose is determined by a number of factors: your annual appraisals; whether you are meeting sales targets; whether you are considered a thought-leader in your company; how much access to you have to higher ups and how easy it would be to replace you. If you are unsure of your value to your company, immediately schedule a candid talk with you boss about where you stand...and maybe to toot your own horn. If the news is positive you can then move forward with your plan to request a schedule change. However you may come away with ideas about how you can improve your actual performance and/or his or her perception of you and your contribution. At a later a date, after you have strengthened your position, you can then revisit this topic.
2. Know What You Are Asking For: Get clear about how you want your work schedule and life to change. Would you like to work a 4 day week instead of 5? Would you like to work a 4 hour day, instead of an 8+ hour day? Do want to come in or leave a hour or two earlier or later? Would you prefer to telecommute, working full time but coming to the office only one or two times per week? The distinctions are important because they impact your desired lifestyle change. For instance, taking a part-time position, means working less, the trade off is a cut in salary and benefits. Additionally, unless you take a demotion, you'll probably have the same workload. Similarly, while telecommuting allows you skip coming into the office you are still on-call during business hours. This means that you'll probably still need child care and it's doubtful that you'll be able to sneak off to a yoga class without your cell phone going off.
3. Be prepared to Reassure Your Boss on Every Level
Womenomics says that you should be ready to talk to your boss about why you want a schedule change. Shipman and Katy say that manager's main concern about flexible work schedules is productivity...or rather its decline once an employee is off-site. Regardless of the schedule that you are proposing, it's critical that you, in a detailed plan, clearly tell your boss how you plan to cover your work responsibilities, including project deadlines, client meetings, staff inquiries, telephone/email access, etc. On that note, it's necessary to assure your boss that you are equipped to work from home; this means describing your home office (computer, software, fax, copier, separate phone line, etc.) Tell your boss that your office is in a separate room, so that his or she doesn't imagine you doing major deals on the kitchen table while the plumber fixes the faucet. It also means being clear that your children will not be under foot during business hours. State that your children are in school, indicating the hours, and/or that you are have a relative, nanny or other child care provider to mind them while you are working.
4. Once You've Got Your Deal, Don't Take it For Granted: The point of this tip is to keep the communication open with your boss. It's a given that you need to continue to perform well on your job, however you also need to regularly take the pulse of your supervisors to make sure they are still on board. Be proactive in keeping in touch with your colleagues and higher-ups, letting them know that while you may not be in the office as much, you're still in the loop and therefore expect to be contacted whenever necessary. It is particularly important to initiate a dialogue with your boss if now you're being passed over for plum assignments, key decisions are being made without your or someone less qualified is promoted over you.
Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Standing At the Crossroads of Your Life
At some point, everyone comes to the fork in the road. It's the time in your life when you can either stay on the known but unfulfilling path or veer off and follow your passions on an unfamiliar road. Unfortunately far too often, when people are faced with this decision they stick to the "devil that they know," rather than believe that they deserve more and better.
The moment of truth for most of us isn't usually earth shattering ---we don't learn that our husband has been having a torrid affair or that our six figure job is about to be eliminated. Most of us simply creep slowly and mindlessly to our personal crossroads. It starts as a nagging dissatisfaction, the thought that your life isn't where you would like it to be. You wonder why you are not happier with your relationship, your job or all of the accomplishments and things that you have on your tally sheet. It's easy to place these inconvenient thoughts on the back burner as you muddle through your daily routine, that is until something hits you. That something is a message from your inner consciousness, God, The Divine, The Universe, whatever you wish to call it. Spoken through a book, a movie, a newspaper/magazine article or a sermon,it speaks directly to your individual situation. That message either awakens you to what is REALLY possible for your life or it provides you with a tangible option. The problem is that most of us choose to ignore the message.
It's easier to pretend you didn't get the message because it calls for you to do something different without a guarantee of instant success. That is the rub, you know that your current path will net you more comfortable mediocrity, but doing something different, in the name of following our bliss, could be a bust (in the short term). In order to seek out better, you have to be willing to let go of what you have now. When you stand at the crossroads of your life, your choice of a path is determined by your faith. Not necessarily faith in the religious sense, but faith in yourself. You have to believe that if you follow your heart, you will be rewarded emotionally, spiritually and materially. Following your heart doesn't mean going off half-cocked, but it does mean recognizing that you must take a different road and then preparing yourself for the journey.
This morning I read about Michelle Nihei, a Ph.D who left her prestigious faculty position at Johns Hopkins to become a horse trainer and Keith Miller, a former professional football player who now sings with the Metropolitan Opera. There are no similarities between these two people except that they both came to a place where their passions led them to radically different life courses. They left the security of their former lives for the opportunity to pursue their passions. Even if these people are not successful by conventional standards, their lives are probably exponentially richer and happier.
So are you looking at a fork in the road right now? Will you stay put? OR Will you at least implement a plan so that you can step onto the new path? BELIEVE.
Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com
The moment of truth for most of us isn't usually earth shattering ---we don't learn that our husband has been having a torrid affair or that our six figure job is about to be eliminated. Most of us simply creep slowly and mindlessly to our personal crossroads. It starts as a nagging dissatisfaction, the thought that your life isn't where you would like it to be. You wonder why you are not happier with your relationship, your job or all of the accomplishments and things that you have on your tally sheet. It's easy to place these inconvenient thoughts on the back burner as you muddle through your daily routine, that is until something hits you. That something is a message from your inner consciousness, God, The Divine, The Universe, whatever you wish to call it. Spoken through a book, a movie, a newspaper/magazine article or a sermon,it speaks directly to your individual situation. That message either awakens you to what is REALLY possible for your life or it provides you with a tangible option. The problem is that most of us choose to ignore the message.
It's easier to pretend you didn't get the message because it calls for you to do something different without a guarantee of instant success. That is the rub, you know that your current path will net you more comfortable mediocrity, but doing something different, in the name of following our bliss, could be a bust (in the short term). In order to seek out better, you have to be willing to let go of what you have now. When you stand at the crossroads of your life, your choice of a path is determined by your faith. Not necessarily faith in the religious sense, but faith in yourself. You have to believe that if you follow your heart, you will be rewarded emotionally, spiritually and materially. Following your heart doesn't mean going off half-cocked, but it does mean recognizing that you must take a different road and then preparing yourself for the journey.
This morning I read about Michelle Nihei, a Ph.D who left her prestigious faculty position at Johns Hopkins to become a horse trainer and Keith Miller, a former professional football player who now sings with the Metropolitan Opera. There are no similarities between these two people except that they both came to a place where their passions led them to radically different life courses. They left the security of their former lives for the opportunity to pursue their passions. Even if these people are not successful by conventional standards, their lives are probably exponentially richer and happier.
So are you looking at a fork in the road right now? Will you stay put? OR Will you at least implement a plan so that you can step onto the new path? BELIEVE.
Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Removing Emotional Crutches
Yesterday I finally got a Maryland license. This tidbit of information isn't important unless you also know these facts: 1) I drive every day; 2) I've lived in the Washington, DC area for about six years and 3) Relinquishing my NYS license cut to the psychological core of who I am/was/wanted to be.
I clung to the notion that in trading in my New York driver's license, I was in some way abandoning my roots---the people, experiences and places that made me who I am. I was extremely reluctant to let go of my New York identity. In my mind Maryland spelled "suburban mom," not hip, urbane chick. Frankly, I wasn't interested in replacing my stilettos with crocs. It took me a minute to realize that I could live in Silver Spring, Maryland and still be a sophisticated woman and mama.
It may sound silly but my New York license was my last tangible connection to my birthplace. My parents are both deceased and my sister now lives in Pennsylvania. Many of my childhood and college friends have also left New York City. We all remain die hard New Yorkers, however each of us left the city to pursue our educations or our careers. I initially came to Washington, DC to attend college and have bounced between the District and NYC a few times. Ironically I am in NYC at least once a month so many acquaintances still think that I live there. My five year old son however was born in Maryland and he's establishing his roots, so it's unlikely that I will be moving back to NYC anytime soon.
Unfortunately, dwelling on the life that "I once had," kept me stuck and unable to create a full life in my present. In the past year, after some soul searching, I've released work that I no longer enjoyed and some relationships that were no longer satisfying. I concluded that I also had to give up my NYS license. The epiphany was that if I didn't I probably miss out on new opportunities or new relationships in the Washington, DC area because I was pining away for my former NY life. By obtaining my Maryland license I took the scary but freeing step of accepting that I didn't stop being who I am because I changed my address. I realized that my job was to integrate my NY flava--my NY influences into my current life. I suppose I was rebelling against the mistaken idea that I'd have to conform....that I would have to give up a big chunk of who I am/have been to fit my "mom in the burbs" life.
The point of this yarn is not to have you throw out the mementos that are testaments to your life, but to recognize when symbols of your past are blocking your journey forward. Here's the way to if an item has become an emotional crutch: Does an object evoke a fond memory? OR Does the object make you yearn desperately for bygone days? If it's the latter, it's time to let it go. You can never replicate the past. Mooning over the fabulous times that you "used to have", or the chic, single woman that "you used to be" stops you from having new adventures today and being/creating the chic mom that you are/can be today. Remember, every moment spent living in the past is a minute that you are not enjoying your present.
I clung to the notion that in trading in my New York driver's license, I was in some way abandoning my roots---the people, experiences and places that made me who I am. I was extremely reluctant to let go of my New York identity. In my mind Maryland spelled "suburban mom," not hip, urbane chick. Frankly, I wasn't interested in replacing my stilettos with crocs. It took me a minute to realize that I could live in Silver Spring, Maryland and still be a sophisticated woman and mama.
It may sound silly but my New York license was my last tangible connection to my birthplace. My parents are both deceased and my sister now lives in Pennsylvania. Many of my childhood and college friends have also left New York City. We all remain die hard New Yorkers, however each of us left the city to pursue our educations or our careers. I initially came to Washington, DC to attend college and have bounced between the District and NYC a few times. Ironically I am in NYC at least once a month so many acquaintances still think that I live there. My five year old son however was born in Maryland and he's establishing his roots, so it's unlikely that I will be moving back to NYC anytime soon.
Unfortunately, dwelling on the life that "I once had," kept me stuck and unable to create a full life in my present. In the past year, after some soul searching, I've released work that I no longer enjoyed and some relationships that were no longer satisfying. I concluded that I also had to give up my NYS license. The epiphany was that if I didn't I probably miss out on new opportunities or new relationships in the Washington, DC area because I was pining away for my former NY life. By obtaining my Maryland license I took the scary but freeing step of accepting that I didn't stop being who I am because I changed my address. I realized that my job was to integrate my NY flava--my NY influences into my current life. I suppose I was rebelling against the mistaken idea that I'd have to conform....that I would have to give up a big chunk of who I am/have been to fit my "mom in the burbs" life.
The point of this yarn is not to have you throw out the mementos that are testaments to your life, but to recognize when symbols of your past are blocking your journey forward. Here's the way to if an item has become an emotional crutch: Does an object evoke a fond memory? OR Does the object make you yearn desperately for bygone days? If it's the latter, it's time to let it go. You can never replicate the past. Mooning over the fabulous times that you "used to have", or the chic, single woman that "you used to be" stops you from having new adventures today and being/creating the chic mom that you are/can be today. Remember, every moment spent living in the past is a minute that you are not enjoying your present.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Man Stealing and Other Self-Delusions
I've never understood the concept of a woman "stealing" a man from another woman. Certainly a woman can intentionally entice or seduce a man, but ultimately it's the man who decides to accept the offer or not. I was watching a music video the other day (I never caught the name of the artist---so much for BETJ) and I was really perplexed. The singer was chastising her boyfriend for dating another woman. In the video the guy is clearly enjoying himself with the "other woman," yet the singer is calling the other woman names and accusing her of trying to "steal" her man. The singer even physically confronts the woman in the nightclub. However most pathetic is the singer gyrating in the man's face, an attempt to convince the man that her stuff is more powerful than the next chick's....like that really matters. Throughout the video I just kept thinking, "If the man wants to go, let him go."
The concept of "stealing" a man places the onus of the betrayal or the breakdown of the relationship primarily on the "other women." It's largely a female idea---rarely do you hear a man saying that another man "stole" his woman. The notion that a man can be "stolen" or "taken," connotes ownership which is the basis of slavery, not a love relationship. A love relationship is based on both parties wanting to remain in the relationship; not one being shamed or manipulated into staying. Unfortunately when a person is intent on leaving their relationship (mentally, physically or both), there's little that you alone can do to stop them. Humans are essentially free agents, we come and go on our own volition.
What's most problematic is that the idea that a man can be stolen essentially absolves men of their responsibility to maintain honesty and integrity within their relationships. It is the man who decides that his desire to sleep with another woman is worth jeopardizing his present relationship. It is the man, not the "other woman," who repeatedly lies to maintain the affair, devaluing the bond that he has established with his current partner. Even if in the "other woman" is actually a worthless, lying tramp, the man decided to be with her. Infidelity isn't a matter to be taken lightly, but it's indicative of other problems either with the man's character or the relationship itself. Why then are women so ready to let men off the hook? Is it because many women, even unconsciously, still believe that "having a man" even a selfish, deceitful one is vital to their identity as women?
Unfortunately most women place a great deal of energy in getting a man, but seemingly little in determining whether the man is worth keeping. In the process of holding on to a man and a title (girlfriend, fiancee or wife) we frequently allow ourselves to be treated badly in the name of preserving the relationship. We forgive and forgive with stock statements like, "We've been together X many years," "He's a good man at heart," "He's going through a stressful time," "My children need a father," "All men are the same," or "My kids and I can't survive financially without him." The most empowering relationships however are between two equals who WANT to be together, but don't NEED to be together.
It seems to me that as long as women place the blame of betrayal or the breakdown on their relationships largely on the "other woman," they don't have to deal with important questions about the quality of their relationships, or the character of the men whom they are involved with, or whether or not they are desperate to maintain demeaning relationships because they want their men to fill voids (financial or emotional) that they should be taking care of themselves. There is rarely forever in love relationships, if nothing else, partners are separated by death. There is not secret to lasting love, but it definitely isn't achieved by holding pn to someone for dear life....especially someone who'se giving you their ass to kiss.
Loving someone requires give and take; it also involves regular, honest communications and the understanding that even the best relationships have their rough patches. However, if you are consistently begging someone to love you, to honor their vows to you, to pay attention to you, to give a damn about your feelings it's time to ask yourself, "Why do I love myself so little? Why am I willing to put up with such behavior? People do change, if they WANT to... but if months or years are passing and you're saying the same thing, it's doubtful that it's going to happen. Maybe it's time to release him and the relationship.
One of my favorite music videos about a failed relationship is Chrisette Michelle, She's hurt and disappointed but she respects and loves herself enough to move on.
I'm Leaving
Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com
The concept of "stealing" a man places the onus of the betrayal or the breakdown of the relationship primarily on the "other women." It's largely a female idea---rarely do you hear a man saying that another man "stole" his woman. The notion that a man can be "stolen" or "taken," connotes ownership which is the basis of slavery, not a love relationship. A love relationship is based on both parties wanting to remain in the relationship; not one being shamed or manipulated into staying. Unfortunately when a person is intent on leaving their relationship (mentally, physically or both), there's little that you alone can do to stop them. Humans are essentially free agents, we come and go on our own volition.
What's most problematic is that the idea that a man can be stolen essentially absolves men of their responsibility to maintain honesty and integrity within their relationships. It is the man who decides that his desire to sleep with another woman is worth jeopardizing his present relationship. It is the man, not the "other woman," who repeatedly lies to maintain the affair, devaluing the bond that he has established with his current partner. Even if in the "other woman" is actually a worthless, lying tramp, the man decided to be with her. Infidelity isn't a matter to be taken lightly, but it's indicative of other problems either with the man's character or the relationship itself. Why then are women so ready to let men off the hook? Is it because many women, even unconsciously, still believe that "having a man" even a selfish, deceitful one is vital to their identity as women?
Unfortunately most women place a great deal of energy in getting a man, but seemingly little in determining whether the man is worth keeping. In the process of holding on to a man and a title (girlfriend, fiancee or wife) we frequently allow ourselves to be treated badly in the name of preserving the relationship. We forgive and forgive with stock statements like, "We've been together X many years," "He's a good man at heart," "He's going through a stressful time," "My children need a father," "All men are the same," or "My kids and I can't survive financially without him." The most empowering relationships however are between two equals who WANT to be together, but don't NEED to be together.
It seems to me that as long as women place the blame of betrayal or the breakdown on their relationships largely on the "other woman," they don't have to deal with important questions about the quality of their relationships, or the character of the men whom they are involved with, or whether or not they are desperate to maintain demeaning relationships because they want their men to fill voids (financial or emotional) that they should be taking care of themselves. There is rarely forever in love relationships, if nothing else, partners are separated by death. There is not secret to lasting love, but it definitely isn't achieved by holding pn to someone for dear life....especially someone who'se giving you their ass to kiss.
Loving someone requires give and take; it also involves regular, honest communications and the understanding that even the best relationships have their rough patches. However, if you are consistently begging someone to love you, to honor their vows to you, to pay attention to you, to give a damn about your feelings it's time to ask yourself, "Why do I love myself so little? Why am I willing to put up with such behavior? People do change, if they WANT to... but if months or years are passing and you're saying the same thing, it's doubtful that it's going to happen. Maybe it's time to release him and the relationship.
One of my favorite music videos about a failed relationship is Chrisette Michelle, She's hurt and disappointed but she respects and loves herself enough to move on.
I'm Leaving
Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com
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