Man Stealing and Other Self-Delusions

I've never understood the concept of a woman "stealing" a man from another woman. Certainly a woman can intentionally entice or seduce a man, but ultimately it's the man who decides to accept the offer or not. I was watching a music video the other day (I never caught the name of the artist---so much for BETJ) and I was really perplexed. The singer was chastising her boyfriend for dating another woman. In the video the guy is clearly enjoying himself with the "other woman," yet the singer is calling the other woman names and accusing her of trying to "steal" her man. The singer even physically confronts the woman in the nightclub. However most pathetic is the singer gyrating in the man's face, an attempt to convince the man that her stuff is more powerful than the next chick's....like that really matters. Throughout the video I just kept thinking, "If the man wants to go, let him go."

The concept of "stealing" a man places the onus of the betrayal or the breakdown of the relationship primarily on the "other women." It's largely a female idea---rarely do you hear a man saying that another man "stole" his woman. The notion that a man can be "stolen" or "taken," connotes ownership which is the basis of slavery, not a love relationship. A love relationship is based on both parties wanting to remain in the relationship; not one being shamed or manipulated into staying. Unfortunately when a person is intent on leaving their relationship (mentally, physically or both), there's little that you alone can do to stop them. Humans are essentially free agents, we come and go on our own volition.

What's most problematic is that the idea that a man can be stolen essentially absolves men of their responsibility to maintain honesty and integrity within their relationships. It is the man who decides that his desire to sleep with another woman is worth jeopardizing his present relationship. It is the man, not the "other woman," who repeatedly lies to maintain the affair, devaluing the bond that he has established with his current partner. Even if in the "other woman" is actually a worthless, lying tramp, the man decided to be with her. Infidelity isn't a matter to be taken lightly, but it's indicative of other problems either with the man's character or the relationship itself. Why then are women so ready to let men off the hook? Is it because many women, even unconsciously, still believe that "having a man" even a selfish, deceitful one is vital to their identity as women?

Unfortunately most women place a great deal of energy in getting a man, but seemingly little in determining whether the man is worth keeping. In the process of holding on to a man and a title (girlfriend, fiancee or wife) we frequently allow ourselves to be treated badly in the name of preserving the relationship. We forgive and forgive with stock statements like, "We've been together X many years," "He's a good man at heart," "He's going through a stressful time," "My children need a father," "All men are the same," or "My kids and I can't survive financially without him." The most empowering relationships however are between two equals who WANT to be together, but don't NEED to be together.

It seems to me that as long as women place the blame of betrayal or the breakdown on their relationships largely on the "other woman," they don't have to deal with important questions about the quality of their relationships, or the character of the men whom they are involved with, or whether or not they are desperate to maintain demeaning relationships because they want their men to fill voids (financial or emotional) that they should be taking care of themselves. There is rarely forever in love relationships, if nothing else, partners are separated by death. There is not secret to lasting love, but it definitely isn't achieved by holding pn to someone for dear life....especially someone who'se giving you their ass to kiss.

Loving someone requires give and take; it also involves regular, honest communications and the understanding that even the best relationships have their rough patches. However, if you are consistently begging someone to love you, to honor their vows to you, to pay attention to you, to give a damn about your feelings it's time to ask yourself, "Why do I love myself so little? Why am I willing to put up with such behavior? People do change, if they WANT to... but if months or years are passing and you're saying the same thing, it's doubtful that it's going to happen. Maybe it's time to release him and the relationship.

One of my favorite music videos about a failed relationship is Chrisette Michelle, She's hurt and disappointed but she respects and loves herself enough to move on.
I'm Leaving


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No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com