NEW BLOG LOCATION

YOU CAN NOW FIND THIS BLOG AT WWW.SOPHISTICATEDWOMANANDMAMA.COM

How to Weather Life's Storms--Like Marriage & Relationships

One day, out of the blue your husband says, "I don't love you anymore. I'm not sure that I ever did." In your opinion your twenty year marriage is happy and solid as a rock. What do you do? Do you cry and hurl obscenities at him? Do you calmly discuss going to a marriage counselor? Do you get on you knees (perhaps literally) and beg him to stay?

When this scenario happened to writer Laura A. Munson she took an entirely different route. She chose to ignore her husband's outburst. Rather than accept the notion that something was wrong with her or what she had become, she realized that it was he who needed to face his demons and get his life straight. In her essay, "Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear" she says, "I'd committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I'd committed to "The End of Suffering." I'd finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were outside my control. I'd seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.

Essentially Munson's unique tactic---giving him emotional "space" forced her husband to examine is own life and the issues surrounding his recent professional failures. She and their children went about their lives, he was welcome to join them, but if he didn't the activities went on. There was no arguing or screaming---nothing that he could use to distract himself from addressing his midlife crisis. Munson had given her husband an internal deadline of 6 months to get it together. Slowly, but surely he resolved his issues and took steps to rejoin his marriage and his family.

How would some of your relationships be different if you accepted the idea that YOU alone are responsible for your happiness. What would it feel like to you if you realized that you can't "fix" your partner's problems (or character flaws). When you hit rough patches in your relationship, rather than pushing or cajoling your partner to "see it your way" (so that you don't lose them) could you imagine letting them "just be" for a period of time? Even if that meant eventually letting them go, permanently. The same goes for your job or even your home. Could you be happy if those things no longer existed, no longer defined you. You hold on tightly to something when you're fearful that it will escape your grasp. When you're certain that you could indeed be happy without the thing or the person, you relax your grip.

To read the entire essay, Those Aren't Fighting Words, Dear

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

Life Lessons from Jon and Kate Plus 8 (and a Date?)

What lessons can the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8 teach you about your own life? Your initial reaction is probably... nothing. But remember that by allowing themselves to be on television within a few years this small town Pennsylvania family became national celebrities. Jon and Kate were also paid millions by TLC (TLC reportedly pays them $75K per episode) and product sponsors to be their flawed, argumentative selves. Kate has written a book and allegedly rakes in about $20K per speaking engagement. So even if you loathe reality shows or just Jon & Kate Plus 8 here is some food for thought.

When Opportunity Knocks--Open the door, but beware

Was being asked to be on a reality show a golden opportunity for the Gosselins, a couple with modest means and 8 children? OR Was it an exploitative situation that thrived on marital conflict? The answer is yes to both questions. There is always a downside to greater opportunity...it's that a larger bank account, bigger fame, or greater power allows you to manifest more of who you already are. So if you are a jerk who wins the lottery...your money will allow you to be an even bigger a-hole. However, if you are a grounded person who wins the lottery, it's doubtful that you'd suddenly dump your "poor" friends. Before the fame, Jon and Kate's marriage probably had serious fissures that were not being addressed; their reality show only highlighted their growing marital problems. Jon & Kate Plus 8 teach us that before you are REALLY ready to take on greater opportunity, you should develop the grace, self-knowledge, and common sense needed to handle the life that you already have.

Life is Always Changing...Roll with it

The Gosselin family's television career began with a 1 hour Discovery Health program called Surviving Sextuplets and Twins. The appeal of the clean cut family with 8 small children got them their own show. Jon & Kate Plus 8 became a ratings winner for TLC...that is until 32 year old Jon was seen in photos with a 23 year school teacher(and a few other women). It was also alleged that Kate had something going on with the head of security. The bottom line is that after 10 years of marriage Kate filed for divorce on June 22, 2009. Jon and Kate however decided that the reality show will go on. Starting August 3 the divorcing couple will be presented as co-parents. Each parent will take turns living in their PA mansion and caring for their eight children.(When they're not in PA, Jon's got a new pad in Manhattan and Kate's got new digs in Rockville,MD) There is also talk that Jon and Kate will be shown dating new people. Life is not static: we change and so do our circumstances. The course of Jon and Kate's professional and personal lives teaches us that we must be adaptable to new realities. . In the words of Bruce Lee, "Don't get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water."

Let the Critics Be Damned

Some critics have accused Kate of being domineering. Others have said that she berated Jon and emasculated him. The tabloids have portrayed Jon as a balding wannabee Lothario. Various family members and former employees have accused Jon and Kate (but particularly Kate) of exploiting their children. Even famed attorney Gloria Allard has publicly weighed in on these charges. The majority of critics felt qualified to make judgments about Jon and Kate's lives and parenting based on watching a television program that has been edited. Despite the critics, Jon and Kate decided to continue the show because they have eight children who need to be housed, clothed, fed and educated. It's inevitable that someone is not going to like your lifestyle, your spouse/partner, your attitude or how you parenting. The opinions of naysayers however are irrelevant---you shouldn't run your life by committee. The lesson of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is to ignore the haters and to make the decisions that you deem best for your life and your family.

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

How To Ask for Flex Time at Work

Flex time, telecommuting, part-time work and job sharing are vehicles that allow working women to spend more time with their families while remaining professionally viable. The reality is that some jobs simply don't lend themselves to these employment arrangements, such as teachers, doctors and chefs. However for the vast majority of working women there's no GOOD reason given telephone, email, tele/video conferencing(other than tradition), why they need to be in the office 40-60 hours per week.

Asking for a flex time job arrangement has nothing to do with relegating yourself to the infamous "mommy track," There are companies that allow employees (male and female) to select from a menu of work options. There are part-time law partners who still handle major cases. There are also executives who work full time, but are only in the office about 30 hours a week. There are also companies, especially in the technology sector, that allow employees to work from wherever. So whether or not your company currently has a flex time policy is not necessarily important. However what is important is whether or not you can make a strong case to your immediate boss that you should be allowed to have a flexible schedule.

The book Womenomics by Claire Shipman (Good Morning America) and Katty Kay, (BBC) promotes the idea that because women are nearly one half of our national workforce, they have the power to demand more employment options. They insist that these changes would help working mothers to have more "work-life control" resulting in less stress and guilt in their struggle to balance family and work obligations. Moreover they believe that workplace changes will benefit all workers, not just parents.

According to Womenomics the number one reason working mothers don't get flex time arrangements is that they don't ask for it. Here are some of the tips that Shipman and Katy suggest for negotiating a more flexible work schedule.

1. Perform Well and Know It: Womenomics states that managers repeatedly said that they would do nearly anything to accommodate women who added value to the company. Whether you are considered an asset to the company---someone who they don't want to lose is determined by a number of factors: your annual appraisals; whether you are meeting sales targets; whether you are considered a thought-leader in your company; how much access to you have to higher ups and how easy it would be to replace you. If you are unsure of your value to your company, immediately schedule a candid talk with you boss about where you stand...and maybe to toot your own horn. If the news is positive you can then move forward with your plan to request a schedule change. However you may come away with ideas about how you can improve your actual performance and/or his or her perception of you and your contribution. At a later a date, after you have strengthened your position, you can then revisit this topic.

2. Know What You Are Asking For: Get clear about how you want your work schedule and life to change. Would you like to work a 4 day week instead of 5? Would you like to work a 4 hour day, instead of an 8+ hour day? Do want to come in or leave a hour or two earlier or later? Would you prefer to telecommute, working full time but coming to the office only one or two times per week? The distinctions are important because they impact your desired lifestyle change. For instance, taking a part-time position, means working less, the trade off is a cut in salary and benefits. Additionally, unless you take a demotion, you'll probably have the same workload. Similarly, while telecommuting allows you skip coming into the office you are still on-call during business hours. This means that you'll probably still need child care and it's doubtful that you'll be able to sneak off to a yoga class without your cell phone going off.


3. Be prepared to Reassure Your Boss on Every Level
Womenomics says that you should be ready to talk to your boss about why you want a schedule change. Shipman and Katy say that manager's main concern about flexible work schedules is productivity...or rather its decline once an employee is off-site. Regardless of the schedule that you are proposing, it's critical that you, in a detailed plan, clearly tell your boss how you plan to cover your work responsibilities, including project deadlines, client meetings, staff inquiries, telephone/email access, etc. On that note, it's necessary to assure your boss that you are equipped to work from home; this means describing your home office (computer, software, fax, copier, separate phone line, etc.) Tell your boss that your office is in a separate room, so that his or she doesn't imagine you doing major deals on the kitchen table while the plumber fixes the faucet. It also means being clear that your children will not be under foot during business hours. State that your children are in school, indicating the hours, and/or that you are have a relative, nanny or other child care provider to mind them while you are working.

4. Once You've Got Your Deal, Don't Take it For Granted: The point of this tip is to keep the communication open with your boss. It's a given that you need to continue to perform well on your job, however you also need to regularly take the pulse of your supervisors to make sure they are still on board. Be proactive in keeping in touch with your colleagues and higher-ups, letting them know that while you may not be in the office as much, you're still in the loop and therefore expect to be contacted whenever necessary. It is particularly important to initiate a dialogue with your boss if now you're being passed over for plum assignments, key decisions are being made without your or someone less qualified is promoted over you.

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

Standing At the Crossroads of Your Life

At some point, everyone comes to the fork in the road. It's the time in your life when you can either stay on the known but unfulfilling path or veer off and follow your passions on an unfamiliar road. Unfortunately far too often, when people are faced with this decision they stick to the "devil that they know," rather than believe that they deserve more and better.

The moment of truth for most of us isn't usually earth shattering ---we don't learn that our husband has been having a torrid affair or that our six figure job is about to be eliminated. Most of us simply creep slowly and mindlessly to our personal crossroads. It starts as a nagging dissatisfaction, the thought that your life isn't where you would like it to be. You wonder why you are not happier with your relationship, your job or all of the accomplishments and things that you have on your tally sheet. It's easy to place these inconvenient thoughts on the back burner as you muddle through your daily routine, that is until something hits you. That something is a message from your inner consciousness, God, The Divine, The Universe, whatever you wish to call it. Spoken through a book, a movie, a newspaper/magazine article or a sermon,it speaks directly to your individual situation. That message either awakens you to what is REALLY possible for your life or it provides you with a tangible option. The problem is that most of us choose to ignore the message.

It's easier to pretend you didn't get the message because it calls for you to do something different without a guarantee of instant success. That is the rub, you know that your current path will net you more comfortable mediocrity, but doing something different, in the name of following our bliss, could be a bust (in the short term). In order to seek out better, you have to be willing to let go of what you have now. When you stand at the crossroads of your life, your choice of a path is determined by your faith. Not necessarily faith in the religious sense, but faith in yourself. You have to believe that if you follow your heart, you will be rewarded emotionally, spiritually and materially. Following your heart doesn't mean going off half-cocked, but it does mean recognizing that you must take a different road and then preparing yourself for the journey.

This morning I read about Michelle Nihei, a Ph.D who left her prestigious faculty position at Johns Hopkins to become a horse trainer and Keith Miller, a former professional football player who now sings with the Metropolitan Opera. There are no similarities between these two people except that they both came to a place where their passions led them to radically different life courses. They left the security of their former lives for the opportunity to pursue their passions. Even if these people are not successful by conventional standards, their lives are probably exponentially richer and happier.

So are you looking at a fork in the road right now? Will you stay put? OR Will you at least implement a plan so that you can step onto the new path? BELIEVE.


Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

Removing Emotional Crutches

Yesterday I finally got a Maryland license. This tidbit of information isn't important unless you also know these facts: 1) I drive every day; 2) I've lived in the Washington, DC area for about six years and 3) Relinquishing my NYS license cut to the psychological core of who I am/was/wanted to be.

I clung to the notion that in trading in my New York driver's license, I was in some way abandoning my roots---the people, experiences and places that made me who I am. I was extremely reluctant to let go of my New York identity. In my mind Maryland spelled "suburban mom," not hip, urbane chick. Frankly, I wasn't interested in replacing my stilettos with crocs. It took me a minute to realize that I could live in Silver Spring, Maryland and still be a sophisticated woman and mama.

It may sound silly but my New York license was my last tangible connection to my birthplace. My parents are both deceased and my sister now lives in Pennsylvania. Many of my childhood and college friends have also left New York City. We all remain die hard New Yorkers, however each of us left the city to pursue our educations or our careers. I initially came to Washington, DC to attend college and have bounced between the District and NYC a few times. Ironically I am in NYC at least once a month so many acquaintances still think that I live there. My five year old son however was born in Maryland and he's establishing his roots, so it's unlikely that I will be moving back to NYC anytime soon.

Unfortunately, dwelling on the life that "I once had," kept me stuck and unable to create a full life in my present. In the past year, after some soul searching, I've released work that I no longer enjoyed and some relationships that were no longer satisfying. I concluded that I also had to give up my NYS license. The epiphany was that if I didn't I probably miss out on new opportunities or new relationships in the Washington, DC area because I was pining away for my former NY life. By obtaining my Maryland license I took the scary but freeing step of accepting that I didn't stop being who I am because I changed my address. I realized that my job was to integrate my NY flava--my NY influences into my current life. I suppose I was rebelling against the mistaken idea that I'd have to conform....that I would have to give up a big chunk of who I am/have been to fit my "mom in the burbs" life.

The point of this yarn is not to have you throw out the mementos that are testaments to your life, but to recognize when symbols of your past are blocking your journey forward. Here's the way to if an item has become an emotional crutch: Does an object evoke a fond memory? OR Does the object make you yearn desperately for bygone days? If it's the latter, it's time to let it go. You can never replicate the past. Mooning over the fabulous times that you "used to have", or the chic, single woman that "you used to be" stops you from having new adventures today and being/creating the chic mom that you are/can be today. Remember, every moment spent living in the past is a minute that you are not enjoying your present.

Man Stealing and Other Self-Delusions

I've never understood the concept of a woman "stealing" a man from another woman. Certainly a woman can intentionally entice or seduce a man, but ultimately it's the man who decides to accept the offer or not. I was watching a music video the other day (I never caught the name of the artist---so much for BETJ) and I was really perplexed. The singer was chastising her boyfriend for dating another woman. In the video the guy is clearly enjoying himself with the "other woman," yet the singer is calling the other woman names and accusing her of trying to "steal" her man. The singer even physically confronts the woman in the nightclub. However most pathetic is the singer gyrating in the man's face, an attempt to convince the man that her stuff is more powerful than the next chick's....like that really matters. Throughout the video I just kept thinking, "If the man wants to go, let him go."

The concept of "stealing" a man places the onus of the betrayal or the breakdown of the relationship primarily on the "other women." It's largely a female idea---rarely do you hear a man saying that another man "stole" his woman. The notion that a man can be "stolen" or "taken," connotes ownership which is the basis of slavery, not a love relationship. A love relationship is based on both parties wanting to remain in the relationship; not one being shamed or manipulated into staying. Unfortunately when a person is intent on leaving their relationship (mentally, physically or both), there's little that you alone can do to stop them. Humans are essentially free agents, we come and go on our own volition.

What's most problematic is that the idea that a man can be stolen essentially absolves men of their responsibility to maintain honesty and integrity within their relationships. It is the man who decides that his desire to sleep with another woman is worth jeopardizing his present relationship. It is the man, not the "other woman," who repeatedly lies to maintain the affair, devaluing the bond that he has established with his current partner. Even if in the "other woman" is actually a worthless, lying tramp, the man decided to be with her. Infidelity isn't a matter to be taken lightly, but it's indicative of other problems either with the man's character or the relationship itself. Why then are women so ready to let men off the hook? Is it because many women, even unconsciously, still believe that "having a man" even a selfish, deceitful one is vital to their identity as women?

Unfortunately most women place a great deal of energy in getting a man, but seemingly little in determining whether the man is worth keeping. In the process of holding on to a man and a title (girlfriend, fiancee or wife) we frequently allow ourselves to be treated badly in the name of preserving the relationship. We forgive and forgive with stock statements like, "We've been together X many years," "He's a good man at heart," "He's going through a stressful time," "My children need a father," "All men are the same," or "My kids and I can't survive financially without him." The most empowering relationships however are between two equals who WANT to be together, but don't NEED to be together.

It seems to me that as long as women place the blame of betrayal or the breakdown on their relationships largely on the "other woman," they don't have to deal with important questions about the quality of their relationships, or the character of the men whom they are involved with, or whether or not they are desperate to maintain demeaning relationships because they want their men to fill voids (financial or emotional) that they should be taking care of themselves. There is rarely forever in love relationships, if nothing else, partners are separated by death. There is not secret to lasting love, but it definitely isn't achieved by holding pn to someone for dear life....especially someone who'se giving you their ass to kiss.

Loving someone requires give and take; it also involves regular, honest communications and the understanding that even the best relationships have their rough patches. However, if you are consistently begging someone to love you, to honor their vows to you, to pay attention to you, to give a damn about your feelings it's time to ask yourself, "Why do I love myself so little? Why am I willing to put up with such behavior? People do change, if they WANT to... but if months or years are passing and you're saying the same thing, it's doubtful that it's going to happen. Maybe it's time to release him and the relationship.

One of my favorite music videos about a failed relationship is Chrisette Michelle, She's hurt and disappointed but she respects and loves herself enough to move on.
I'm Leaving


Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

Doing Your Best

This morning at breakfast my five year old son said, "You are the best of mommies." As I tried to hold back my tears, I replied, "I try, I try very hard." I do my best for my son everyday, not because I am seeking his praise, but because I have the intention of being the very best mother that I can be to him. In life that's all you can do---try your best.

Some days you'll triumph and on other days you'll flounder or straight-up fail. The key to remember is that the people closest to you, the ones who matter most, are not seeking perfection from you. They merely want to feel that you care enough about them, their feelings and their wishes to do your best by them on a regular basis.

Some of us take on a bunch a projects or try to cater to a zillion friends and acquaintances, knowing full well that we aren't interested in or really capable of doing our best by them. It's no wonder that neither you nor the people you are claiming to serve feel satisfied with your efforts. Half-stepping really isn't worth it. Do something because you love it and want to give it your all....or just don't bother.

It's forseeable that later on this afternoon, my son will "quit me" because I'll decline his request for another snack or because I'll tell him that TV time is over. Again, I'm making my decisions, not to be a scold, but because I love him.
I usually explain the reasons for my actions to him and I do my best to give him more yes'es than no's. So even when he's perturbed that he didn't get his way, he knows that mommy is doing her best for him...and that's what matters.


Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

You Have a Right to Change and Grow

There are some people in your life who want you to stand still. They are uncomfortable with the idea of you changing or doing new things. These people understand that as you evolve they will either have to step up their own games or be left behind. We all have the right to grow and to experience new realities for ourselves. Beware of the person who wants you to be exactly the same person that you were when they met you. While your core values and beliefs needn't change, it's no badge of honor not to grow as a person...living the exact same life as you have for years on end.

Back in the day I rocked to the rap group Heavy D and the Boyz. Heavy D,the "Overweight Love" was known for a string of successful songs including, "Now That We Found Love," "Nuthin' But Love" and "Overweight Lover's in the House". Today the Jamaican born, Dwight Meyers is tearing up the reggae music scene with his album Vibes (Stride Entertainment, 2008). Today on The Tom Joyner Radio Show, Meyers said that when his child was born he wanted to be an engaged father and consequently he put his career on hold. When Meyers went back into the studio he said that he couldn't produce another Heavy D album, instead he went with his passions and created Vibes. As an established rap artist, he took a gigantic risk to produce an album that was entirely reggae. (His "Livin' Single" partner, rap artist Queen Latifah made a similar move with her R&B album, The Dana Owen Album [Interscope, 2004]) But Heavy D's life had changed, his priorities had changed and for him his music also needed to change.

Many of us get locked into a job title or an identity in our 20s and ten or even twenty years later we are petrified to release it so that we can transition to the next phase of our lives. We'll hold on to the familiar version of ourselves even when it no longer serves us. Your life should be guided by your interests and by your needs, as they stand today. Every time we do something new there is are inherent risks that it may fail and that people may not like it. However when you fail to take risks you are relegating yourself to stagnation. You are consigning yourself to a life that is not filled with joy or excitement, just predictable routines.

Heavy D took a leap of faith and in 2009 he was rewarded with a Grammy nomination for "Best Reggae Album." Maybe no one is going to give you an award for following your passions and evolving your life, but living a vibrant, fulfilling life is reward in itself.

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

"7 Days of Power Earning with Sophisticated Woman and Mama": Day Five

"Get in the Game"

There are two games in life: Playing to Win and Playing NOT to lose. Most people are playing the latter. Playing NOT to lose is about avoidance. We're so afraid of taking risks, failing and looking foolish that we never position ourselves to win. You simply can't succeed if your chief intention is to play it safe.

Here are some suggestions for getting in the game:

1) Jump In. Set an intention and become ruthless about reaching your goal. If you want to make $50K next year, don't accept an offer for a job paying $35K. Be willing to stick to your guns and keep looking---OR if you're considering the $35K job be willing to make up the difference with a part-time job, or make sure the position pays a commission.

2) Be Persistent. Whatever it takes, on a daily basis move your money agenda forward. This includes making sales calls, networking, speaking, blogging, getting involved with company or community groups. All of your efforts should be tied to a profit mentality---gaining skills or contacts that can make you more money. Most important, don't make excuses why you can't regularly take steps toward your money goal.

3) Create Opportunities for Yourself. Follow through on chance occurrences. How often have you met a potential contact, had a fruitful conversation, asked for his/her business card and then failed to call the person? Similarly how many times have you sat in a business meeting and realized that there was a need or an untapped market that wasn't being addressed by the group....but you remained silent? In each instance, through follow-up there was a chance to advance your own money interests. A new higher paying job opportunity may have been created by cultivating a new acquaintance or by crafting a new project or job for yourself in your current company.

4) Ignore the naysayers. There is always someone in your life, a friend, a spouse, a co-worker or a boss who will tell you that you can't accomplish what it is you want to do. They'll lay out your lack of qualifications, your temperment, your family situation or the fact that it's never been done the way you intend as reasons why you should stop trying. Most naysayers mean well, but they only know what they know...they don't have the definitive truth about you, your goals or the various pathways to your goal. The only thing that can prevent you from achieving your goals is you. Every day people beat the odds and defy conventional wisdom. Be willing to thank the naysayers for their counsel and concern, but keep moving in the direction of dreams.


YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:

How are you keeping yourself out of the game?
Review the four points and determine how your current actions are keeping you stuck in a low paying position.

--are you making excuses, such as the economy is bad for why you are not pursuing a higher paying position?

--are you only taking sporadic actions toward your money goal?

--are you failing to recognize opportunities for career advancement?

--are you letting naysayers dissuade you about your goals?

What can you do instead in these areas to get closer to your money goals?


If you're Feeling Stuck And Need Help--Why Not Schedule a Working Moms Starter Session. Click Here for Details

"7 Days of Power Earning with Sophisticated Woman and Mama": Day Four

In Day Three of the series I talked to you about intention. While intention is a magnet that attracts what you want, "letting go" provides the space for your desire to manifest.

There's a saying that two things can't occupy the same space. Essentially this means that to get where you want to go, you have to let of where you are. The letting go could be literal or figurative in the form of: limiting beliefs, a bad relationship, bad habits, a low paying job, possessions, inappropriate goals, etc.

Clinging to the security of the familiar stops you for discovering what opportunities are in your future. Holding on the the "safety" of a job, a relationship or detrimental thinking gets you more of the same: debt, burnout, boredom and personal frustration. True growth comes when you can take a leap of faith---off of the ledge of illusory safety. Once you let go you can take concrete steps toward having a financial richer and more personally fulfilling life.

YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:
What are you doing in your life that you already KNOW is bad for you. Are you holding on to a job that makes you miserable? Are you holding on to a relationship that depletes your energy? Are you holding on to negative beliefs about yourself that you hindering your progress?

First ask yourself why are you holding on.

Then ask yourself what would you do if the situation disappeared tomorrow. For example you were laid off or your partner/friend ended your relationship.

Finally ask yourself, what the steps can you can take today to end the situation and move into a more fulfilling and rewarding situation.

Change doesn't always happen swiftly, but it's a certainty that you can't go from broke and miserable to financially secure and happy without letting go of some of your detrimental thinking and actions.


If you're Feeling Stuck And Need Help--Why Not Schedule a Working Moms Starter Session. Click Here for Details

"7 Days of Power Earning with Sophisticated Woman and Mama": Day Three

Practically every high income woman comes to point in her life when she makes the "money decision." It's when she says to herself, "it's time to make for me to make some money." While some women come to this decision early in their careers, for others the change comes later in life. The late bloomers are often prompted by a divorce, a lay-off or an illness that results in mounting debt or a diminished lifestyle.

Initially it's not necessary that you have a full blown plan of action. However the intention to make more money, becomes the basis for making new and different choices about your income and finances. Cultivating a "profit mentality" (see Day Two) calls for you to value the worth of your services appropriately. Having a profit mentality also means that you eliminate both the time wasting activities and the excuses that are keeping you from achieving your goal.

If you want to know your strongest intention regarding money---simply look at your current life. If you say that you want to make more money but you're in debt, in a low-paying job, you can't find the time to do what it takes to make more money or money simply eludes you---either you have not set an intention to make money or you have actually decided not be be financially successful. Remember no decision is still a decision.


YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:
Sit down with a piece of paper and write down that today you are intending to generate make more money.

1. Include a set dollar amount that you intend to make in the next 12 months.

2. Connect the money you intend to make to a concrete goal. For instance, I will use this extra $10,000 to pay down credit card bills, make a downpayment on a house; invest in my retirement fund or take a vacation.

3. Brainstorm about what steps you can take immediately to generate more income. (Be aware of internal resistence that you will feel---push past it)


If you're Feeling Stuck And Need Help--Why Not Schedule a Working Moms Starter Session. Click Here for Details

"7 Days of Power Earning with Sophisticated Woman and Mama": Day Two

Yesterday I gave you some tips about finding out what would motivate you to make more money. Money as we discussed is merely a result--the endpoint. There has to be come strong emotional pull or goal that is going to make you undertake the work needed to change your mind-set and actions toward money.

The next step is to look at the shared characteristics of a power earners. It's important to look at the similarities between successful people as a way to change your own attitudes and behaviors.

Here are the four key traits of high-income women:

1. Profit-Mentality: They expect to be well compensated for their time, talent and/or expertise. They want to make money because they enjoy what money gives them.

2. Daring: They have a willingness to stretch beyond their comfort zones and try something that she's not altogether sure she can accomplish.

3. Resilience: They have ability to get up and brush herself off when she's faced with an obstacle or a flat-out failure.

4. Supportive network: They have nurturing friendships and personal relationships. There are people in their lives who cheer them on and encourage them to keep moving toward their goals.


YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:
Compare the 4 traits of high-income women to yourself. This exercise is not designed to make you feel bad. The purpose is to have you clearly assess how your beliefs,a ctions and relationships are impacting your ability to take that steps that would earn you more money. Afterwards look at each quality of power-earners and in each area decide on one step that you could take immediately to make a change. For instance you may decide to raise your rates or cut-back on "volunteering" your services unless you are REALLY passionate about the project.


If you're Feeling Stuck And Need Help--Why Not Schedule a Working Moms Starter Session. Click Here for Details

"7 Days of Power Earning with Sophisticated Woman and Mama": Day One

One of the chief complaints I hear from women, particularly working mothers is that "I need to make more money." That "money" maybe for essentials like rent or food, or to leave a bad marriage or to provide their families with some well deserved extras. Women are notorious underearners. I describe an underearner as someone who consistently makes less income than she needs or that would be beneficial for her life and family, usually for no clear reason and despite her stated desire to do otherwise.

So today, on our first day of "7 Days of Power Earning with Sophisticated Woman and Mama" I am going to ask to you focus on your values rather than on making money.

Most high-income women say that money does not motivate them. They state their success and the money that followed are related to what money meant to them. Some of the values that high earning women associated with money are:

financial independence/freedom: the ability to take care of themselves and their children.

autonomy: the means to create the work environment and lifestyle that they desire.

service to others: the capacity to support and promote causes, ideas and people that are important to them.

fame being recognized locally, nationally or internationally as one of the best in a given field.

choices: being able to explore what the world has to offer.

To begin your journey to becoming a power earner, remember:
Money in nothing more than a tool for exchange---in and of itself it has no meaning.

YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:
For the moment, let's not talk about money. Instead list 5 of your key values---things have actually motivated to you action in the past-- things that speak to who you are as a person. From that list decide which one is the strongest motivator---meaning that the idea of achieving or experiencing it could spur you to make different choices about your work and life.

If you're Feeling Stuck And Need Help--Why Not Schedule a Working Moms Starter Session. Click Here for Details

Becoming Free by Learning To Let it Go

Writer Sally Klimpton in a wonderful article in Yoga Journal discusses practicing detachment. The language is simple and encourages each of us,not to live in isolation, but to learn that worrying about or clinging to a person or situation will not bring us happiness. Ultimately we have to release the person or circumstance and let it take its natural course---toward us or away from us.

Klimpton says:

It took me a few years of throwing out the baby instead of the bathwater to figure out that detachment is not about external things. In fact, as is so often the case with the big issues of spiritual life, detachment involves a deep paradox. It's true that those without a lot of clutter in their lives have more time for inner practice. But in the long run, disengaging ourselves from family, possessions, political activism, friendships, and career pursuits can actually impoverish our inner lives. Engagement with people and places, skills and ideas, money and possessions is what grounds inner practice in reality. Without these external relationships, and the pressure they create, it's hard to learn compassion; to whittle away at anger, pride, and hardness of heart; to put spiritual insights into action.

So we can't use detachment as an excuse not to deal with fundamental issues such as livelihood, power, self-esteem, and relationships with other people. (Well, we can, but eventually those issues will rise up and smack us in the face, like an insulted ingenue in a 1950s movie.) Nor can we make detachment a synonym for indifference, or carelessness, or passivity. Instead, we can practice detachment as a skill—perhaps the essential skill for infusing our lives with integrity and grace.

To read the entire article: Just Let Go


Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:
Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

Stoke Your Creativity by Trying Something New

When were in your twenties you woke up everyday to possibility. You believed that opportunities were coming your way and you were fertile with new ideas. In your gut, you believed that you were going to do big things and live large. At that time in your life you believed that any day your life would take off---you'd be transformed into the brilliant, urbane and dynamic---artist, entrepreneur, corporate executive, lawyer...fill in the blank, that you always dreamed of being. Additionally, you'd have a fabulous home, great friends, take luxury trips and have a loving and adoring partner.

As you crept into your thirties or forties you began to become "more realistic" and your creativity began to wane. It seems that you lost interest in big dreams, and you were using your precious little energy just to get through each day. You are probably engaged in a demanding career and have a variety of family obligations. You see yourself more in the past tense, than in the future. Your personal dreams and ambitions have taken a back seat to the practical matters of your life.

How do you reinvigorate yourself? One secret to sustaining creativity and a zest for life is being open to new experiences. Do something different, take a risk, stretch yourself. Professionally, you don't have to quit your job, but you may want to change direction in your current field. Personally, you could take a class, try a new restaurant or better yet take a trip to a new destination---anything that takes you out of your comfort zone.

Enjoying your life and continuing to see new opportunities is do-able. This can be achieved by seeing your life as a book with new chapters that you can still discover---rather than as a sitcom rerun you've seen a million times before.


Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:
Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

Don't Plan a Career, Instead Prepare & Build Skills

Sophisticated Woman and Mama Business Tip:

Clarence Otis, Jr. CEO of Darden Restaurants (Red Lobster, Olive Garden and Capital Grille) says the he received some particularly good career advice. It was, "As you think about career, it's not about planning it. Things are too dynamic; there's too much going on; there are too many things that'll pop up, good and bad. It's not about planning and career planning; it's about preparation and building skills. And if you do that, then you'll recover from the mishaps, and you'll be able to take advantage of the opportunities."

What preparation do you need to jumpstart?
What skills do you need to develop or build?

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:
Yvonne Bynoe is a life coach whose company, SophisticatedWomanandMama.com supports working mothers. She is also the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.SophisticatedWomanandMama.com

Writing a Daily Script for Success

A person's thoughts--or rather what they focus on in a large part determines how his/her life unfolds. If that's the case, people can decide what kind of day that they'd like to have, what people they should meet or encounter and what they'd like to accomplish. Unfortuately, many of us are not able to successful create the lives that we wish.

According to business coach and intuitive, Mariana M Cooper:

The secret to getting these circumstances to occur is to ASK!! Believe it or not we seem to be much better about visualizing the BIG PICTURE. The big house, the new car, the great guy or gal who is our ULTIMATE soul mate, the windfall of money is what we envision. That is great! And it is important to have that big vision.

BUT here is the secret: You MUST visualize how you want the small in between steps to unfold as well! You must ASK for the resources, the next steps to take toward your ultimate goals that are for your highest good, the helpful people that can really move you forward etc.


Here is what I do each morning and it WORKS really well:

As you awake say "Thank you"


Then ask "How May I Serve?"


Then Script Your Day by declaring: "Today I see myself meeting a person who will...... or Today I will have an amazing money miracle that really propels me forward... or Today I am in the right place, at the right time meeting all the right people...


You can also take some time to actually visualize yourself solving a particular issue, having an easy time with a customer service agent, feeling surprised at the end of the day about how fabulous it all went...


Let yourself get emotional about it and feel the essence of your script coming to fruition!


And then LET IT GO!!!! Refrain from analyzing whether it is going to happen or if this works or why it works for someone else and not you etc etc.

The Power of Choice

People either love the film The Matrix or hate it. There's a variety of theories about the film and what it's real message is. In actually The Matrix's futuristic setting is nothing more than a backdrop to explore age old concepts such as truth and choice. The main idea is that we have the choice to pursue truth and realign our thinking or we can opt to do nothing and accept a false reality.

In the film Neo (Kenau Reeves) decides to pursue the truth and immediately awakens to another world; it's a reality quite different from what he had previously been led to believe in. Ultimately seeking the truth may lead you to have to examine who you are and what you believe in. It may also irrevocably alter the course of your life and relationships. Each person has to decide for his or her self which is better: to seek the truth or to exist in an illusion.

Achieving Goals with the Law of Least Effort

Many of us are trying to "make things happen." That's great unless that the thing that you're fixating on isn't really part of your life path, isn't really a true desire of your heart. In the instances when you are pursuing goals that aren't really for you, it's inevitable that you will fail and that before you experience the final gut wrenching failure, you will have taken a journey that was difficult and frustrating.

The key principle of the law of least resistance is that you expend less energy when your energies are motivated by love. This doesn't mean that you can just sit down and meditate and poof something occurs. However it means that when you are guided by love, rather than fear, you will be in the flow. You'll thoroughly enjoy the path that you are on, the people and resources that you need will appear and problems will be resolved quickly. It means that you are following the signs and opportunities that present themselves in your life. It also means that you out in the world engaging new people, new ideas and new realities.


Deepak Chopera says in The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success: When you seek power and control over people you waste energy. When you seek money or power for the sake of the ego, you spend energy chasing the illusion of happiness instead of enjoying happiness in the moment. When you seek money for personal gain only, you cut off the flow of energy to yourself, and interfere with the expression of nature's intelligence.

Think about about your life as if you are swimming in the ocean. You can choose to swim with the current and joyfully glide to your destination....experiencing a few bumps and some minor detours. You could however choose to swim against the current, fighting with every stroke to subdue the water and stay on your course. So which is it? Are you going with the flow of yor life and enjoying the ride or are you resisting, in a constant struggle to keep your head above water?
=============================

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:
Yvonne Bynoe, The Working Moms Mentor, is the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.workingmomsmentor.com

Why We Sabotage Our Own Dreams

Oscar Wilde said: "Each man kills the thing he loves." And that's true. The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we don't deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all of the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far. I have known a lot of people who, when their personal calling was within their grasp; went on to commit a series of stupid mistakes and never reached their goal---when it was only a step away.

Excerpt from The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:
Yvonne Bynoe, The Working Moms Mentor, is the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.workingmomsmentor.com

The Importance of Conflict in Love Relationships

When we hide from conflict, we're avoiding a chance to deepen our relationships. I remember a beautiful sermon I heard years ago on "becoming married." It was given by the then dean of the Houston Cathedral, Pittman McGehee. He urged us to see marriage as a process and, especially, to be open to the negative side of intimacy---the hurt, the criticism, the losses that bring depth to the relationship and bring us closer to each other. He cautioned us to be wary of a relationship that has no room for anger or pain, that is lived on the surface of niceness behind smiling masks that block us from experiencing our own vulnerability and each other's reality. He pleaded with us to realize that the self-protective devices behind which we barricade ourselves are actually self-destructive.

Excerpt from the book, On Becoming Fearless by Arianna Huffington

Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:
Yvonne Bynoe, The Working Moms Mentor, is the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.workingmomsmentor.com

Becoming Fearless in Love

One of the things women find hard to do in relationships is make clear what we want. In fact, we fear that doing so might be a turn off to the man. But part of fearlessness is expressing what's important to us and knowing that we are strong enough---and willing---to walk away if the other person can't handle the mere expression of our needs.

Of course, we should also be aware of how we ask for what we want. Are we asking or demanding? Is what we're asking for what we really want or a stand-in for something else that we're actually too afraid to bring up? And if we don't always get what we want (which is inevitable), are we going to be bitter and resentful about it?

Excerpt from On Becoming Fearless by Arianna Huffington

Working Moms Mentor Quotable:

I have come to
believe...that what is
most important
to me must be spoken,
made verbal and
shared, even at the risk
of having it bruised or
misunderstood.

--Audre Lorde

Getting Rid of Limiting Beliefs

What are your beliefs about yourself, your life or your capabilities that is helping you to stay stuck? What is on the tape recording that is your mind that keeps telling yout that you can't do better or have more? Here's a wonderful process inspired by author and filmmaker Sophia Quintero to get unblocked by de-constructing your limited thinking. The original exercise requires a 30 day commitment, but I'm starting with a seven day process....you can do as many days as you feel necessary.

Make a list of 7 limiting beliefs that you have. Everyday for the next 7 days take one belief and write your answers to the following questions about it:

1. Is it true?
2. How do I know it's true?
3. How does believing this impact me?
4. Who would I be if I let go of this belief?

Take the first steps toward releasing your greatness!
=========================================
Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:
Yvonne Bynoe, The Working Moms Mentor, is the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.workingmomsmentor.com

What Are Your Four Agreements?

Don Miguel Ruiz reveals the four agreements, based on ancient Toltec wisdom, that can put people on the road to personal freedom.

1. Be impeccable with your word. Don't say it unless you mean it, and if it's gossip keep a lid on it.

2. Don't take anything personally. What other people say or do isn't because if you, it's because of their own life experiences.

3. Don't make assumptions. Preconceived ideas about what other people think can get you into trouble, and rigid notions of how things "should be" lead to disappointment.

4. Always do your best, but no more. Post facto browbeating is pointless.

=================================================
Want To Use This Article on Your Website or Ezine?
No problem! But here's what you MUST include:
Yvonne Bynoe, The Working Moms Mentor, is the creator of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM), the proven step-by-step program to design your best life--one that is less stressful, more fulfilling and more prosperous. Find out more about Yvonne Bynoe at http://www.workingmomsmentor.com

When It Comes to Mothering It's Quality over Quantity

I found a wonderful blog post from Sarah (Rashidsmom.com) that should relieve some working mothers of their angst over how their children will turn out. It appears that the key determinant to child development isn't whether or not a mother works but the quality of the time that she spends with her children.

Sarah cites a 2005 The University of Texas study that did not find any developmental problems in children whose mothers worked outside the home. Dr. Aletha Huston, the study’s director states, “The mother is an important source of care then, but she doesn’t have to be there 24 hours a day to build a strong relationship with her child.”

Some of the points of the study include:

•infant development is not delayed when a mother works outside the home.
•a mother’s personality, including their beliefs and the quality of their parenting was more important than the amount of time spent with their child.
•working mothers spent more time with their children on days off.
•working mothers spent less time on household chores and leisure activities.
•there were no differences in social behavior, cognitive ability and language development whether mothers stayed at home or worked.

Sarah concludes,"children will thrive based not on how much time they spend together,with their mothers but on the quality of time spent together. mothers that are comfortable with their decision, are confident in their abilities and provide loving and nurturing homes have the best chance of raising well-adjusted children, whether they work outside the home or stay at home."

Amen to that!

Working Moms and Stress

Many working mothers will not admit that they are burned out. To do so would be an admission that they are not Superwomen---able to balance family obligations and work demands while wearing high heels. However three sure signs that you are burned out are:

-loss of interest in regular activities;
-loss of sleep;
-or feelings of panic.

In an article, "Working Mothers,Where is All of this Stress Coming From?" psychologist, Dr. Sherrie Bourg Carter is quoted as saying that once a working mother determines that she is burned-out, she should take steps to detemine why. Among the reasons that Dr. Carter cites for stress are:

•Limited time
•Not enough money (at least not enough to do the things you feel you should be doing for your children - ie: enrolling them in all activities)
•Pressures from the spouse, who may feel neglected because of the time you spend on other things
•Physical and hormonal changes from childbirth and aging
•Worrying about the children in a general sense - their safety, their well being

As a coach who works with working mothers, I see these stress factors all of the time. I frequently coach my clients to take steps to address, one by one, the things, people or activities that are causing them to burn-out. It's important that working mothers clients realize that they can't keep running on fumes. They are not only jeopardizing the quality of their own life and health, but also the quality of their most treasured relationships.

How Working Mothers Can Deal w/ Guilt

It's no surprise that a large number of working moms wish that they could be better mothers. There's a great deal of pressure for mothers to do it all---- and do it all perfectly. Working mother's guilt arises when women don't meet their own very high, (frequently unrealistic) expecations about motherhood.

In the blog post, Dealing With Working Moms Guilt, Whether You Love or Hate Your Job writer Katherine Lewis discusses how to tackle working mother's guilt. She indicates that feeling the guilt doesn't make women bad mothers. However those feelings could be raising issues related to child care, their personal relationships, and the frequency and quality of time that they are spending with their children that we should be addressing.

Children At Work

Blogger Kelly Coyle DiNorca's post at Your (Wo)Man in Washington gave me something to think about as working mother. Kelly works from home for a youth sports organization. She's trying to juggle earning an income with childcare-- she has a sitter come only once a week. There are times when her business calls are interrupted by the demands of motherhood. While most of her business contacts tend to understand her balancing act---professional/mother, she recognizes that many people see bringing a child into the workplace as unprofessional. While WAHMs are imperfectly integrating their various roles, she wonders what are the options for working mothers in traditional employment settings.

DiNorca says, "The most recent issue of Mothering Magazine contains an article by Laura Ulrich called “Home is where the job is: A savvy mother’s advice on loving, money-making, and leaving the laundry behind”. This article ends with the statement, 'The more we as mothers take ownership of the right to integrate our lives, the more society at large will evolve to support such work arrangements.' However, all but one of the mothers interviewed for the article were self-employed, and found ways to carve out a self-designed (and defined) niche where they could meld caregiving with wage-earning. Absent were mothers who were able to achieve this sort of synthesis while working in professional or traditional jobs."

Click Here to read the entire post, "Should I Go or Should I Stay?"

New Working Mothers--How High Achievers Can Deal w/Performance Anxiety

I was shocked to learn that high-achieving women were more likely than other women to abandon their jobs after becoming new mothers.

A recent article posted on the blog,TheGlassHammer.com, geared toward women in the financial, legal and business professions stated, "We find that these women who have achieved a lot in a short time, rising rapidly through the ranks, are the ones most likely not to return after maternity leave or they return and then quit after a few months.”

The post goes on to say that these high achieving Gen-X moms, women defined as being in their late 20s-early 40s are "Uncomfortable with the idea of not being able to give 150% at work and still be a super mom at home, she starts to wonder if she should exit the workforce… at least until her child is old enough for school after 3-5 years of developmentally-appropriate interactions with her."

Simi Sanni Nwogugu of HOD Consulting provides great tips to help new working mothers to overcome their fears and successfully stay in the workforce. Click Here to read the entire article.

Slow Parenting: Taking it Old School

How many articles have we read of parents micro-managing their children---even doing their school projects? Most of us have seen how competition to get ahead, which was formerly only a workplace phenomenon, has seeped into the lives of our school-age children. Middle class parents especially are in a frenzy to make sure that their sons and daughters get into elite institutions. In their twelve year preparation kids are scheduled for umpteenth enrichment activities each year. Parents in their roles as "success coaches" for their kids are coordinating all of logicistics, often for multiple children . Many parents in their quest to do "everything right" are stressing themselves and their kids out unnecessarily.

In the blog article, "Slow Parenting: The New, Old Way of Doing Things," writer Bethany Sanders interviews author Carl Honoré who has written two books on "slow parenting." She says that, "a perfect storm of workplace competition, a consumer culture that demands perfection, smaller families and parental anxiety have created an atmosphere where parents feel compelled to push their kids (and themselves) harder than ever.

"The bottom line is that parents in this generation have lost their confidence," Honoré tells Lisa Belkin, Motherlode blogger, "That makes us easy prey for companies hawking unnecessary tools for childrearing (helmets to protect two-year-olds from toddling injuries, anyone?). And very vulnerable to pressure from other parents ("What, you mean your child doesn't have a tutor?!?")."

Read the entire article.

Tax Tips if You Have a Nanny or Regular Babysitter

If you have a babysitter or other household employees who is on a consistent weekly schedule, you may need to pay the "Nanny Tax."

According to Katherine Lewis, About.com's working mom's expert,"If you have a nanny or frequent babysitter for your child, you need to understand the nanny tax. The IRS requires anyone with household help, such as a babysitter or housekeeper, to pay Social Security and Medicare taxes if annual pay crosses a set threshold, which was $1,600 for 2008 and $1,700 for 2009."

Read Katherine's entire article, How To Pay the Nanny Tax-Easy Instructions for Forms W-2 and W-3."

The Value of Domestic Outsourcing

Too many working mothers think that they have to be superwoman. In their quest to be perfect mothers and wives they are running themselves ragged with activities that don't bring them joy, just public validation. When I coach women I tell them to delegate the activities that don't bring them fulfillment---this leaves them more time to pursue that activities and relationships that really matter to them.

I stumbled upon a blog post, Domestic Outsourcing that is a must read on the topic.

Following Your Own Path

Following Your Own Path

You enter the forest
at the darkest point,
where there is no path.

Where there is a way or path,
it is someone else’s path.

You are not on your own path.

If you follow someone else’s way,
you are not going to realize your potential.

~ Joseph Campbell

Your Personal Bucket List

Last night I settled down with my first movie from Netflix, The Bucket List. I must admit that this movie is not one that I would have chosen on my own. The film starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman about two dying buddies just didn't appeal to me. However, a glowing recommendation from my sister convinced me to put the film in my Netflix queue.

It sounds cliche but I laughed and I cried. More important, the movie made me think. The Bucket List focuses on things that the two dying men want to accomplish before they died. Each man had allowed life and circumstances to get in the way of living fuller lives. Without revealing too much of the plot, Morgan Freeman's character has sacrificed his intellectual talents and ambitions for his family and Jack Nicholson's character has perhaps sacrificed his personal life to build his vast empire. In the remaining time that they had, the bucket list provided the two men with the last opportunity to fulfill their life dreams.

While I watched the movie, I began to think about the things that I had yet to do and began wondering what I was waiting for?--the right time, more money, what? It occurred to me that life moves rapidly and that if I don't make my goals and ambitions part of my everyday existence, they may indeed slip off the radar. I am happy to say that thus far I have few regrets and that I have some achievements under by belt...but there is more that I have to conquer and experience.

In the next few days I will be working on my own bucket list. I just think that it shouldn't take a terminal illness to wake us up to the possibilities of our lives. I truly believe that if we are truly grateful for our lives, we should be doing our best to live to our fullest potential daily.

Money Books for Mothers Who Hate Finances

Many working mothers fail to develop a strong financial vision for themselves and their families not because they are naive or irresponsible. They don't take an active role usually out of fear---fear that they don't know enough to manage their families' money.

This economy has showed us that even high-wage earning husbands can and do lose their jobs. This means that Working Moms and SAHMs have to seriously think about how they and their families would fair if either they or their husbands lose their jobs.

Here are three great financial books that will help women who have avoided dealing with their families finances.


Women and Money: Owning the Power to Control Your Destiny Suze Orman

Make Money, Not Excuses: Wake Up, Take Charge & Overcome Financial Fears Forever
Jean Chatzey

7 Money Mantra for a Richer Life: How to Live Well with the Money You HaveMichelle Singletary

Creating a Strong Financial Vision is one of the principles of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM) Learn more about it at Working Moms Mentor

The Economy is Forcing More Moms Back to Work

According to a recent article in Time magazine men make up 82% of the recession’s job losses, which means a lot more mothers are looking for work as a way to replace the husband's lost paycheck. The Time magazine article discusses the shifting reality for many women married to White collar professionals. These mothers who had "opted out" of Corporate America to care for their children are now despite to find jobs, now that their husbands are unemployed.

Using my Working Moms Balancing System(TM) I coach mothers about how to develop a strong financial vision for the families in the event that their husbands gets sick, dies, loses his job, or wants a divorce. Regardless of your husband's income, advance planning means that you and their family will be able to continue to maintain your desired lifestyle, even in the face of an economic downturn.

The Importance of Self-Care

Far too many working mothers put their jobs, household responsibilities and other people before themselves. Although they may not actually say it, their actions translate to, "I'm not as important and I don't deserve to put my needs first."

What many working moms fail to realize is that if you don't meet your own emotional and physical needs, you will have trouble meeting the needs of those who depend on you. Self-care is key to you being able to take care of others. In my Working Moms Balancing System (TM) I often tell women that "self-care" is akin to the fly attendant telling passengers to put on their oxygen mask first, even if they have children. If you are run down, tired or emotionally depleted, you simply will not be able to assist your family members or make valuable contributions to your work life.

So practice self-care on a regular basis. Take a bubble bath each evening to unwind; sign up for a weekly class; schedule a regular date-night with your partner or have a weekend lunch with your girlfriends. It's less important what you do, than that you consistently do things that replenish your mind, body and soul.

The Way to Get More is to Be Thankful for What You've Got"

Every morning when I wake up, I say, "Thank You." I say thank you to the Creator that I have been given another day to love, to nurture my son and to take action into becoming the person that I want to be. Being thankful for what you already have is the easiest thing that you can do to let the Universe know that you are ready to receive even more love and opportunities. When I coach working mothers, I tell them, "You can't create a less stressful, more fulfilling, more financially abundant life until you begin to be truly grateful for your current life."

Oprah Winfrey says, "I started out giving thanks for small things and the more thankful I became, the more my bounty increased. That's because what you focus on expands, and when you focus on the good in your life, you create more of it. Opportunities, relationships, even money flowed my way when I learned to be grateful no matter what happened in my life."

Think of yourself as a giant magnet. Whatever you are feeling, whether it's love, fear, anger, happiness, anger, joy, gratitude, resistance etc., you are creating a magnetic force that draws you to people, events, conditions and circumstances which directly represent what your emotions. If you hate your old car, don't be surprised if it's constantly breaking down. If you fear poverty, you probably find it difficult to either make money or to hold onto it for long. However if you express gratitude for what any situation projects: a life lesson, an opportunity, love, friendship, honesty, your home, your family, the ability to pay your bills, your health, etc. a magnetic force draws to you more of what you are expressing gratitude for.

Master teacher and author Iyanla Vanzant says whatever is going on in your life say, "Thank you." Even if you are in the middle of a "crisis", saying "Thank you" does two things: First it alerts you to the fact that you are intended to learn something about YOURSELF through the situation that you are going through. For example, you may find that you owe $1,000 more on your income tax than you thought, or you may lose your job to downsizing. You might ask, "How do you wrap gratitude around that?" Here's your answer, the second point. Saying "Thank you" affirms that you have the faith to not just survive the situation that you're in, but also the wisdom to use the lesson to catapult your life forward.

Gratitude doesn't mean that you jump for joy at whatever occurs in your life. Instead, it means that you acknowledge, bear witness to, and see whatever is put before you. You are willing to let it be there, doing nothing to postpone whatever lesson or opportunity comes from fortune and misfortune. For example: The extra $1,000 you owe the IRS could be a lesson about taking better care of your financial affairs. The job loss may force you to stop making excuses about why you can't pursue the "dream" business that you've been talking about for years.

I heard about one couple who opened an expensive bottle of wine after learning that the husband had lost his high-paying job. They toasted each other and gave thanks for their lives. I wasn't surprised to learn that several weeks later a former business associate offered the husband a new job. When I am feeling less than joyful, I look around and find things that make me happy: pictures of my son, a hot cup of green tea, beautiful music, time to reflect, financial abundance, healthy family, wonderful friends, etc. After 10 minutes of doing this I usually feel better. Some people keep a Gratitude Journal to record the thing that they are thankful for on a daily basis. There is no right way to be grateful. Just find a way that works for you.

This week think about how you can show gratitude. Create a ritual or practice that you can do everyday that allows you to say "thank you" for all of the good in your life. Don't make it a rote exercise, but one that is heartfelt. Once you start focusing your attention on the beauty and abundance that your life already possesses, you'll be ready to open you mind and heart to even more love, joy and prosperity.

5 Legal Documents Every Working Moms Needs

On of the steps of my Working Moms Balancing System (TM) is "Build A Strong Financial Vision." I coach working mothers on the importance of organizing their financial lives to support their families, in the unfortunate event that they get sick or die.

On the CNBC program, "In the Money" family attorney, Alexis Martin Neely
discussed the five legal documents everyone needs, ESPECIALLY if you have children.

Those 5 Documents Are:

1. Guardianship documents for your children. You may need to have a short-term guardian to take care of your children in case you are hospitalized. You may also need a long-term guardian in the event you are permanently incapacitated or die. Martin suggests keeping the names of your children's
guardian(s) in your wallet in case of an accident. Get her FREE Kids Protection Kit

2. A Will: This document will dictate to whom you want your personal property and money to go to.

3. A Living Trust:. This document will indicate how you want your house, rental property and other assets to be distributed. A living trust is a way to avoid probate court.

4. A Durable Power of Attorney: This document gives another adult the legal authority to conduct your personal business (e.g.banking, paying bills) and/or to make decisions on your behalf in the event that you are unable to do so.

5. An Advance Healthcare Directive: In the event that you are unable to voice your wishes, this documents gives doctors and medical personnel instructions about the type(s) of medical treatment, procedures and lifesaving measures you want performed.


See Alexis Martin Neely's entire CNBC interview:

Being a Perfectionist is Over-Rated

I checked Facebook this morning and found a wonderful "note" from a friend, Nikki Duncan-Smith; she sent it out to her friendship circle. I had the pleasure of meeting Nikki years ago before there was Facebook. She's a wonderful writer, wife and mother. So I wanted to share these words of wisdom--- about releasing our need to be perfect that she passed on to her friends.

It is good to remember that one of our goals in life is to not be perfect. We often lose track of this aspiration. When we make mistakes, we think that we are failing or not measuring up. But if life is about experimenting, experiencing, and learning, then to be imperfect is a prerequisite. Life becomes much more interesting once we let go of our quest for perfection and aspire for imperfection instead.

This doesn’t mean that we don’t strive to be our best. We simply accept that there is no such thing as perfection—especially in life. All living things are in a ceaseless state of movement. Even as you read this, your hair is growing, your cells are dying and being reborn, and your blood is moving through your veins. Your life changes more than it stays the same. Perfection may happen in a moment, but it will not last because it is an impermanent state. Trying to hold on to perfection or forcing it to happen causes frustration and unhappiness.

In spite of this, many of us are in the habit of trying to be perfect. One way to nudge ourselves out of this tendency is to look at our lives and notice that no one is judging us to see whether or not we are perfect. Sometimes, perfectionism is a holdover from our childhood—an ideal we inherited from a demanding parent. We are adults now, and we can choose to let go of the need to perform for someone else’s approval. Similarly, we can choose to experience the universe as a loving place where we are free to be imperfect. Once we realize this, we can begin to take ourselves less seriously and have more fun. Imperfection is inherent t o being human. By embracing your imperfections, you embrace yourself.

How to Achieve Goals that REALLY Matter to You

Recently I was asked, "What do you tell someone who’s doing all the things you’re supposed to--- affirmations, managing her time, taking actions but she’s still not reaching her goals? I responded that if a person is doing all of the "right" thing and she is not making any progress it’s time for her to re-examine her goals. To put it plainly it’s time for the woman to come clean with herself. She has to decide whether the goal that is eluding her is something that she actually wants or something that she thinks that she "should" want.

Unfortunately too many working mothers make decisions about their lives based on "shoulds" rather than on their wants. This list of "shoulds" is often quite lengthy and is usually a collection of the opinions and thoughts of the woman’s family and friends. It includes a variety of categories such as "how she should dress," "how she should parent her children," "who she should be friends with," what kind of car she should drive" and "what kind of wife/partner she should be." If a woman just follows the list of "shoulds," she pleases her friends and family but she isn’t asking herself whether or not the items on that list correspond to her true beliefs and desires. What this means is that if the woman’s stated goal isn’t in alignment with the her values and principles, it’s unlikely that she will attain it. You may ask why?

If a person is really committed to a goal that is aligned with her core values, she’ll do WHATEVER it takes to achieve it. WHATEVER could mean getting a new job, going back to school, moving to a new city, hiring a coach, ending a relationship or cutting back on commitments. However if the woman is lukewarm about the goal, she’s only make half-hearted measures to achieve----despite lip service to the contrary. I’ve said over and over to clients that people do the hard, difficult work when some really matters to them, when they really want change. If a person isn’t willing to put in the time, sweat or tears toward a goal, it’s probably because she doesn’t really want it. In that instance the Universe will grant her wish by keeping the goal from her.

If in your bones you REALLY want a goal but it remains out of your reach, it’s time for you to do some serious thinking. Where are you stuck? Are you a procrastinator who does a lot of planning but never get around to taking the action steps. Are you kind of "hit and miss" with you goals—rarely taking consistent actions. Are you guilty of self-sabotage—not truly believing that you’re capable of achieving your goal. Whatever’s holding you back from achieving your goals realize that YOU have the ability to re-train your mind.

•You can stop "paralysis of analysis" by mapping out your goal and taking "baby steps."

•You can stop haphazard implementation by creating a lifestyle that supports daily action toward your goals

•You can free yourself from limiting beliefs that rob you of your confidence by learning to silence your internal critic.

It may sound cliche but the old Napoleon Hill quote, "If you can conceive it, you can achieve it" is still on the money. Honestly, these are three issues that nearly every successful person has to overcome. Maybe you just need help eliminating your mental obstacles

This week think about a goal that you just can’t seem attain. Think about why you’re interested in achieving the goal. It is to make yourself happy and fulfilled OR are you concerned with pleasing someone else? If you are committed to the goal then you must identify the action that you’ve been unwilling to take to make it happen. If you’re ambivalent about the goal, scrap that "should" and imagine a goal that you actually want to achieve. Once you make a firm decision, you will open yourself up to new possibilities that will help you to create a new and exciting life full of love, joy and prosperity.

Getting My Priorities Straight

Early this morning I heard birds outside my bedroom window. The sound made me conscious that I had been blessed with another day on this Earth. I began to think about how I was going to spend the day---rushing to finish my to-do list or in serious contemplation about the bigger picture as it pertains to my life?

Today I am asking myself the following questions:

1) How can I be of service?
2) What is my contribution?
3) What is my vision for my life?
4) What steps am I taking reach my short and long-term goals
5) What can I do today to live a bolder, more abundant and more fulfilling life?

Here's a quote by Margaret Young that resonates with my life assignment,
"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want."

Can Working Mothers Really Find Balance?

Balance...the equilibrium between work life and family life. It's the condition that many working mothers crave to attain. These women are seeking a way to address the myriad of needs that their varied identities: mother, wager earner, woman, daughter, community member, partner require.....and remain sane, calm and fulfilled in the process.

Writer Thembsia Mshaka in an open letter to First Lady Michelle Obama challenges the notion of balance asserting, "[w]hat women need is work-life function. ‘Balance’ connotes equal distribution. No one woman can be at the meeting that runs long, at the spring recital, and lounging before the fire in lingerie at one time. Inevitably, something gets sacrificed."

She continues by saying,"You are most fortunate to have a husband who is a present, loving, and participating father; and equally blessed to have your mother with you to share in the labor of love known as parenting. What about married women of soldiers on duty? What about single moms, women with absentee spouses who opt out of parenting, or women whose parents or extended family are in different locations, differently abled, or deceased? What about the women who can’t afford to hire a nanny or even a babysitter on a consistent basis?"

Whether a woman uses the term "balance" or "work-life function," I think that Thembsia and I agree that at core a working mother has to create a life that responds to her priorities as a woman, mother and working person. Her priorities are an expression of the working mother's personal values and principles.

In a nutshell, working mothers can't be everything to everybody in any given day, week, month or even year. In my Working Moms Balancing System (TM), I help working mothers to design lives that are based on what REALLY matters to them at this particular point in their lives. I encourage them to tap into or to create a support network as a way of gaining the assistance they need to implement their life design. I also encourage them to eliminate "should do" relationships and activities that neither bring them joy nor advance their value-based life priorities.

I personally like the word balance, but I'm very clear that it's meaning is flexible its true expression is different for each working mother.

To read Themsbia Mshaka's entire letter Women and Work in the Age of Obama

Work-At Home Moms and Time Management

One of the perils of being a mother who works at home is the realization that the day is over and that you've done nothing. I don't mean nothing in the literal sense---you may have done the laundry, ran to the dry cleaner or even made some goulash for your child's International Day at school, but you haven't produced any actual work or done any tasks that will generate income. Those unproductive days can turn into weeks and then into months. From the stand point of the Working Moms Balancing System (TM) this type of passive procrastination affects a working mom's ability to live her best life and it negatively impacts her financial vision.

In some ways being on a 9-5 is easier. On a conventional job there is a routine or at least you're accountable to a boss or co-workers to get things done. The exact opposite is true when you are a solopreneur, you're not beholden to a set agenda nor are you accountable to peers or a boss---you're it. Working unsupervised puts more responsibility for results in the hands of the work at home mother. This is great if you are high organized and disciplined, it's a disaster if you are not.

By nature I am not the most disciplined person. I'm very good at organization when I have a set project and deadline, but I haven't always used my "down" time well. In the past I kind of floundered between projects and made some inconsistent attempts to drum up business. I did okay, but looking back I could have done better if I had had a work plan.

I enjoy the flexibility of working at home (a few weeks ago I had to pick my sick son up from school) but I came to realize that as a mother who works at home it was extremely important that I have a weekly work schedule. My schedule now includes days that I'm getting actual work done and at least one day where I'm working on tasks to create new business opportunities. I also learned to delegate and outsource more tasks so that my days are filled with goal-getting activities, not mindless errands.

As a work at home mother you have to find a scheduling method that works for you--meaning that it resonates with your temperament and your duties (professional and personal). I love Danielle LaPorte's blog, White Hot Truth and wanted to share her post, Entrepreneurial Time Management. It provides a good template for mothers who need to bring more structure to their work at home lives.

How To Make Decisions That Lead to a Better Life

Your decisions create your life. Empowerment happens when you become aware of the importance of your day-to-day choices. This is not to say that external factors don’t matter or that the actions of other people are irrelevant. However in the end, you have to decide what you are going to do in each circumstance you find yourself in—your job, your relationships, your community. Those decisions and their outcomes are the basis of your current life. If we don’t like where we are in our lives, or want more or better we have to DECIDE to take a different path. Some people are scared of the idea that they alone are responsible for how their life is unfolding. Other people however feel liberated to realize that they can really improve their lives by making new decisions.

A lot of times we are afraid to make REAL decisions. We hem and haw or try to hedge our bets. We’re not 100% sure what the "right" choice is. There may be an opportunity waiting for us but we don’t act because we can’t immediately see it. In the midst of all our waffling we stay stuck in a situation that we have either outgrown or that is emotionally, physically or financially unhealthy for us. Motivational speaker Les Brown says, "Either you run your life or life will run over you." He’s not saying that life is hard but that you must decide the path of your life or deal with the consequences of "not deciding." By not deciding how you want to create your life you’re leaving it to other people and to outside forces to determine your future.

Let’s look at two co-workers in the same department of a company that has been going through financial difficulties for nearly a year. Jill decides she needs to get a new job at a more financially stable company. In the coming months she updates her skills and her resume and eventually lands a new position. Her co-worker, Jack constants debates leaving but is really unsure of his marketability. He justifies his inaction by saying that he doesn’t want to appear disloyal to his employer. Three months after Jill left the company files for bankruptcy and closes its doors. Jack’s very angry that now he has no job, no health insurance and no savings. In the same circumstance, Jill made a decision about her life and reaped the benefits of her choice. Jack however failed to make a decision about his future and suffered the consequences of his choice.

The Latin origin of decide means "to cut off, to kill off." In short, making a decision is about cutting off other options...doing whatever it takes to achieve your goal. This means that REAL decisions are firm. If you have a plan a, b, c and a host of contingencies, you have not made a decision Real decisions are also made quickly...but NOT rashly. You carefully weigh the pros and cons and then you decide what you are going to do. You can make quick decisions when you crystal clear about what you want. In order to do that you have to align your values with your goals.


This key question to ask yourself is: What is in MY highest good? (not for my spouse, my children or friends) This may sound obvious, but when you’re struggling to make decisions, it may not BE obvious. To reconcile your values with your goals, you must define success for yourself. For you is success: making money?; having more free time to spend with your family?; having a more fulfilling life?; unleashing your passion, or something else? Once you identify what you TRULY care about you can more easily decide which activities/actions will get you closer to your goal and which will not.

This week think about a situation that is requiring you to make a decision NOW. Think about why you are avoiding making a decision. Consider what your life will look like in 6 months, a year or five year don’t decide to change course—if you continue to do nothing. Once you make a firm decision, you will open yourself up to new possibilities that will help you to create a new and exciting life move full of love, joy and prosperity.